<p>I worked hard on it and it’s me. But I don’t know if it’s okay for a college essay. Proofreading and comments also appreciated. </p>
<p>I have a confession: I’m terrified of girls. Beaned. Scared ****less. Sometimes I’m so overwhelmed by the luminescence of a girl that I can’t even look at her. These luminescent girls have not only physical beauty but also intellect and charisma. I love geniuses, and I tremble in the presence of hotties, but luminescent girls are so magnetic that their current repels me (that was a geek joke). Sometimes it seems like only guys have the guts to talk to these girls, but I think that they’re equally in awe.</p>
<p>It’s not easy being a lesbian terrified of girls . Guys assume that I’m banging all the time. Whenever I’m alone with one of my guy friends, he always gives me this knowing look, eyebrows slightly raised and eyes a little squinty with a smile on one side of his mouth. I roll my eyes. He’s going to ask about girls.</p>
<p>“So, who do you think is the hottest chick in our grade?”</p>
<p>I sigh. “I’m not going to answer that.”</p>
<p>He pushes and prods me into answering insincerely. I quickly change the subject to chemistry. I don’t explain that I find the question misogynistic, chauvinistic, genderist, sexist, and many other ists and istics. I don’t understand why guys find lesbians and bisexual girls attractive, or why they’re so interested in girl-on-girl sex (woman-on-woman?). It can’t be the gay thing; many of these same guys are extremely homophobic and are disgusted by sex between men. I’m not sure what they’re looking for, and I don’t know why they look to me for it. I certainly won’t oblige. I always keep at least six inches of space between me and a girl. I avoid locker rooms and keep my eyes on my toes and my face towards the corner when I do have to use the locker room. I think it’s better not to stare, not to risk offense or bodily harm.</p>
<p>I’m not good at talking to girls either, especially the luminescent girls. This is another thing that surprises people. I can’t muster anything more than casual conversation (So, what did you think of the US reading?), and innuendo fuhgeddaboutit. The rare innuendo I make trips on its oversized Birkenstocks and falls down three flights of stairs before it reaches the ears of my companions.</p>
<p>As you can see, I’m not good at jokes either.</p>
<p>My gay friends tell me I just need to get some ass. I’m not exactly sure how that’s supposed to happen. Am I just supposed to walk up to some attractive girl and say Take it off, baby? No way! One friend keeps trying to get me to go to queer youth events and says she’s going to teach me to dance. I wonder if I should be a little concerned, but really, I’m not. I’m totally cool with grinding with random queers in dark nightclubs. Really.</p>
<p>What I think is going to happen is that at some queer student conference or party I’m going to meet an intelligent, attractive person I’ll settle for a curvaceous femme with long hair or an androgynous person with hair even shorter than mine and then I’ll be set. No random intimacy with strangers; only intellectual discourse and emotional connection.</p>
<p>Right.</p>
<p>Remind me how that’s supposed to happen. My idealism, or my heart, or whatever, tell me that it’s a great idea, but even my small experience tells me it’s unlikely.</p>
<p>I’ve gone a few times to the mecca of self-doubting gays, the New York Gay Center. One afternoon at Young Women’s Discussion Group, I was surprised to learn that the topic of the day would be Relationships, Or How To Get Some. The group leader passed around slips of paper with flirting techniques that we were supposed to practice and discuss with our neighbors. Mine was “Ask them to hang out with you and your friends.” Is that a flirting technique? I knew that attending a discussion group at the Gay Center would be a little strange, a little different, but teaching questionable flirting techniques? That’s not what I expected.</p>
<p>By the end of the session it became patently obvious that none of these young women who are supposed to be entirely self-confident and, uh, bangin’ after coming out really knew how to ask someone out. The group leader reluctantly took us in hand and instructed us.</p>
<p>“Here’s what you do. You’re talking to the person, being friendly, and you look right at them. You say, ‘I think you’re really good-looking’ or hot or whatever suits you ‘and I would like to get to know you better. Can I have your number, and can we hang out some time?’”</p>
<p>I stared at her. Really? Do people actually say such things?</p>
<p>Afterwards, I approached one of the more attractive group members. (No, I was not intending to practice my new skills on her.) She was tall, had important hair, and seemed smart, mature, and self-confident.</p>
<p>“So where are you from, Allegra?” she said.</p>
<p>“Brooklyn. You?”</p>
<p>“Manhattan. Where do you go to school?”</p>
<p>“Stuyvesant. I’ll be a junior in the fall.”</p>
<p>Her eyebrows went up. “Oh. You’re in high school.”</p>
<p>“Yeah,” I said warily.</p>
<p>“Oh.” She looked down. “I’m a rising sophomore at Hunter College.”</p>
<p>I nodded. “What are you studying?”</p>
<p>“I’m interested in psychology.” She seemed distant, a far cry from the friendly person I’d been trading dubious glances with during the group.</p>
<p>Sometimes I wonder whether my gay friends are being suggestive when they say I need to get some ass, and that I’m brilliantly not noticing. All their innuendo is just part of casual conversation, right? I hear people saying things like that all the time. Want some pierogies? a friend will kindly offer at dinner. I’d love your pierogies, I wink, drawing out the words and rolling them with my tongue. She gives me a strange look and hands over the pierogies, and I try not to blush. I’m glad that I do have one close gay friend, someone older than me that I can rely on for experience and advice, someone who knows limits and who knows how to play. It would certainly be nice to be friends with or even involved with one of these luminescent girls, but I’m satisfied with what I have.</p>