Is it ever OK to hold on to the anger?

Parent Cafe
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<p>Northstarmom’s thread about her marriage has really been an eye-opener for me. After some self-reflection, I have made major changes in how I approach dh, and it’s truly been the most pleasant week for both of us in a very long time.</p>

<p>Part of what I did was let go of past anger. Just decided on a clean slate. I’d love to be able to do that with everyone in my life, but I am having trouble doing that with my MIL. I’ll be seeing her in a week and could take this opportunity to forge a new relationship, but, truthfully, I DON’T WANT TO. She has overinsinuated herself in our lives since Day One – actually before we were married, as she picked the religion and church we were married in (even though dh is an atheist and I belonged to a church) and even sat in, with dh’s oldest sister, on the first meeting with the priest (until I cried from the stress of it all). And this kind of overinvolvement continued for the first 15 years or so of our marriage. Dh, of course, shares the blame for not setting boundaries (and that’s what caused many of the conflicts in our marriage).</p>

<p>This comes to the fore because, once again, she has asked to friend me on Facebook. She is 82 and not long for this world, so I feel like I should just be the better person and just accept the request. But, for me, Facebook is my zone of privacy (I’m not friends with my kids either), and I don’t want her looking into my daily life because, again, I feel like she was so overbearing for so long. I should note that we are perfectly cordial in person, but we just don’t have much of a relationship, really.</p>

<p>So, the question: Am I horrible for remaining, at this point, overly sensitive toward her or justified in wanting to “protect” myself?</p>

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<p>You are not obligated to friend anyone on Facebook. There’s a difference between holding on to anger and protecting yourself from someone who has aggressively intruded into your life. My suggestion is to ignore her FB request and save yourself the additional grief of having to deal with her more than you do now. If she asks about why you haven’t friended her, give some vague nonreply.</p>

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<p>I should add that she has made several previous requests that I ignored. I’m just feeling a little guilty this time because of my newfound desire to heal/improve all my relationships.</p>

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<p>You can only do so much. IF she’s aggressively and obnoxiously intrusive and controlling, you can’t change her. You can be pleasant to her on those occasions when you have to see her, but you don’t have to choose to make her part of your life that you wish to keep private from her. Being kind doesn’t mean accepting an invitation that would allow her to brutalize you even more.</p>

<p>Being kind also means being kind to yourself. Allowing her increased access to your private life would be hurting you.</p>

5

<p>It’s ok to hold on, if you enjoy those negative feelings. </p>

<p>I had a similar “relationship” with an in-law. One day(thanks to the help of a therapist) I decided that I was not going to change her, and more importantly I was not going to let her affect me in ANY way. I just looked at her with amusement and compassion. POOOOF> bad feelings gone. It was that easy. </p>

<p>Just ignore her facebook inquiries. Tell her that it is your “family free” zone. And if she does not like it, tough.</p>

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<p>It’s commendable that you are making an effort to improve your relationships, Youdon’tsay. But do be careful. Allowing your MIL into parts of your life that you would like to keep more private will not improve your relationship, but erode it further. With some people, improving a relationship requires more strict boundaries than may be necessary with other people. Your MIL obviously fits into the former catagory!
It’s not your responsibility to make her happy with you or your relationship. I doubt that it’s possible, in any case.</p>

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<p>I like the idea of a “family free zone”. I think that hits the right note, she can’t come in because ALL family can’t come in. Also I am not a facebook user, but I think there is a way to give people limited access, I think my sons do this with their aunts and younger cousins.</p>

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<p>The problem is it’s not entirely family-free. I am friends with dh, his two sisters and my three adult nieces and nephews. I always say my policy is no cross-generational friending, but seeing as how the nieces and nephews are maried with their own kids, all 30 and older, it doesn’t feel cross-generational.</p>

<p>FB is really just a symptom of the bigger problem. I just wish I felt more warmly toward her.</p>

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<p>You know, you don’t have to like everyone in this world, even in the family. And sometimes the optimal relationship is one in which you are able to be courteous. The relationship you should have with your MIL is very different from what should be expected in a marriage. You didn’t choose her, didn’t make your life with her, good manners are absolutely required of you, but not warmth if you don’t feel it. Don’t accept the friend request. Your enjoyment shouldn’t be curtailed.</p>

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<p>“I just wish I felt more warmly toward her.”</p>

<p>You do not like her. She is not going to change. Don’t go to an empty well for water.
I know that it sounds kind of harsh, but save yourself the emotional baggage that wishful thinking creates.</p>

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<p>*This comes to the fore because, once again, she has asked to friend me on Facebook. She is 82 *</p>

<p>ACK!</p>

<p>lawdy my mother didn’t even have a cellphone let alone a fb account and I am going to light a candle thanking the goddess that my inlaws are on the side of no information rather than too much.</p>

<p>Having said that- I know several people have several accounts- for instance the director of D’s workplace/school said that several parents want to friend her, so she created an acct that doesnt have pictures of her and her husband on the beach or at rock concerts.
;)</p>

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<p>I think it depends upon how you use Facebook. If you post lots of personal and controversial stuff, it’s better to limit your friend list to your close acquaintances, and just ignore MIL. If you don’t update your status often, or put anything on there that you wouldn’t want everybody to know, then go ahead and add your MIL.</p>

<p>It’s easy to block a friend’s comments from appearing on your page–I’ve done this with one of my friends who updates her status almost hourly–“I’m brushing my teeth!”–and my husband has done it with some old acquaintances whose politics he doesn’t share. I believe it’s also possible to create separate lists of friends who have varying levels of access, though this is more complicated than I ever bothered to get.</p>

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<p>I love you people! LOL Here I thought I would have people telling me to suck it up and get over ancient history (as people counseled NSM to try again with dh), but instead you conform my instincts to keep my distance. I love cc.</p>

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<p>May I make another suggestion? FB alows you to select who sees what on your page. You can friend her, yet allow very limited access to what she sees. That removes your guilt and keeps you protected. If this was some friend you didn’t like, I’d be totally for the "just ignore her’ comments, but this is, after all, your MIL and elderly at that. You can have your cake and eat it too :)</p>

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<p>This thread comes at a coincidental time for me. i was just walking the dog and got to thinking about an old friend that I lost touch with. I vaguely remember some hurt feelings between us and gave up trying to stay friends with her. Lately, though, when i run into her she asks to get together. I miss her and think i might give her a call.</p>

<p>I guess what it boils down to, for me, anyway, is that we should make the time and effort to nurture the relationships that help to keep us happy and healthy. If there are people in your life that make you feel badly on a regular basis, you are under no obligation to fuel that fire. Your first obligation is to yourself.</p>

<p>At 82 your mother in law is not going to change. i would follow a “do no harm” policy with her. Don’t go out of your way for confrontation but don’t go out of your way for friendship, either. As far as Facebook goes, you need to find an excuse and let it go. There is no good that is going to come from friending her.</p>

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<p>I’ll look into that, 3bm. But in a way, that seems even crueler – “I’ll let you in but only so far.” I’ve done that with no one else, not even the SIL I friended who I don’t care for.</p>

<p>Just so you know, I like my other SIL and absolutely adore my BIL and his family (the nieces and nephews who are friended). It’s not like I don’t care for anyone in his family. In fact, I adore my MIL’s brother. Such a kind soul.</p>

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<p>There’s a big difference between your MIL’s behavior – which is aggressively controlling – and my husband’s behavior. That’s why the advice differed. </p>

<p>In addition, it’s possible to not be angry at someone, to forgive them even while not allowing them to continue to mess up one’s life. “Let go with love” can be the appropriate to do with some toxic people. “Keep at arms’ length with love” is another way to deal with people like your MIL.</p>

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<p>

I think after the second request has been ignored–or perhaps even the first–making further requests is oblivious to the point of rudeness. And you should never feel guilty for not rewarding rudeness.</p>

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<p>I’ll look into that, 3bm. But in a way, that seems even crueler – “I’ll let you in but only so far.” I’ve done that with no one else, not even the SIL I friended who I don’t care for.</p>

<p>^^^
I’m not sure she would know that she had limited access unless she compared info with other family members.</p>

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<p>She has overinsinuated herself in our lives since Day One – actually before we were married, as she picked the religion and church we were married in (even though dh is an atheist and I belonged to a church) and even sat in, with dh’s oldest sister, on the first meeting with the priest (until I cried from the stress of it all). And this kind of overinvolvement continued for the first 15 years or so of our marriage. Dh, of course, shares the blame for not setting boundaries (and that’s what caused many of the conflicts in our marriage).</p>

<p>The other issue is anger.</p>

<p>I am not a saint- heaven knows- I know where you are coming from- my inlaws dislike me- they have passive /aggressive relationship with my kids, but they are still my husbands parents.
I am trying to subtly hint to my oldest- who is meeting prospective inlaws this weekend, that the role her partners parents have in her life and in their married life, is not minimal and the initial relationship should have more consideration.</p>

<p>( I can say however- that when I first met my H’s parents- I didn’t realize that we were going to be serious & so I didn’t change my behavior at all or even put my antenna on alert- previous boyfriends parents had just " loved me" so I didn’t realize the extent of the disconnect- I just thought they lacked social skills)</p>

<p>But it takes a lot of energy to hold onto anger- it causes health issues mental and physical.
Yes I have many things that I was sad and mad about- with justification I think- but I have come to realize that when people are causing others pain- it is because they are coming from a place where they are in anquish & they have a narrow viewpoint of options.</p>

<p>My inlaws didn’t even come to see either of my kids in the hospital when they were born- ( even though the first was 10 weeks early and stayed in the hospital for 8 weeks- she was also the first grandchild. With my 2nd- who was just two weeks early- considered term, but now they are saying even a week early can be a problem+ she was also in the NICU, although I only stayed a few days in the hospital but considering I had been in hard labor for three days before giving birth I needed the rest!- they came to visit the day after we came home- and were full of “helpful” suggestions- but not help :stuck_out_tongue: )</p>

<p>So they are not the type to insinuate into our daily lives, but for someone who does- my perspective is that perhaps she is desperate to feel like she matters and that she is needed. Which is really sad.</p>

<p>Have you ever tried prempting her and asking her * for* advice before she gives it?</p>

<p>If she is still sharp, what might be nice ( or have one of your kids do it, if you cant stand it), is tape record some interviews of stories she would like to pass down to future generations- maybe looking at old pictures of relatives long gone to give her ideas of things she wants to share.</p>