<p>I don’t get it. The roommate went to the hospital (from the dorm). What was there to take care of if she had already been taken to the hospital from the dorm while the daughter was still at the party?</p>
<p>Kudoos to the girl who took her back to the dorm and to whoever called the ambulance. This is very scary. I am glad she is okay.</p>
<p>I can’t get past not even heading out for the evening until 11pm & getting back at 2:30 am.
That would pretty much shoot the whole next day for me.
My daughters dorm had a dance on Halloween, don’t schools host things anymore?</p>
<p>I guess what I honed in on was the reality that your daughter had been sick with the flu for almost two weeks and was very obviously (and probably very verbal for days leading up to the party) that she was ready to go out, even if she wasn’t drinking… I know most college kids would be really looking forward to getting out after being sick for so long, and knowing most girls, would be talking it up. I have to wonder if your daughter did indeed, talk it up, and that’s what came back to haunt her - that the others felt she was being selfish because she made it so very clear how much she was looking to go out for Halloween. The fact is, had it not been for a big Halloween party, and your daughter had not just spent two weeks trying to recover from the flu, she probably would have gone to the hospital with the roommate.</p>
<p>All this being said, who’s to judge whether what she did was right or wrong. As we know, there are always two sides to every story, and the truth is somewhere in the middle. My kids have had roommates who were almost like best friends, and roommates who they are cordial at best with them because their lives are very different (however, they can still make good roommates) and they overlap very little. I do think the people who are their better friends have more responsibility to take care of their friend than the ones who are merely ships that pass in the night. I suspect the girls who got mad were upset that their plans for Halloween were ruined. We have to keep in mind that at many college campuses, Halloween is the biggest party night of the whole year, so yea, someone is going to be upset that they couldn’t participate. However, it was ultimately the girl who overdrank who ruined it for everyone.</p>
<p>There’s a reason the kids in the dorm believe she didn’t act as she should have. We don’t know the dynamics of the relationships on the floor, so it really is impossible for us to comment on whether their reading is fair.</p>
<p>IMO, it is a little insensitive to have a roommate in the hospital and keep partying. Then again, maybe the roommate was known to have a problem and DD had given up helping.</p>
<p>What matters is mending her relationship with her peers. As others said, I’d just provide support and encourage her to talk it out.</p>
<p>the girl who took her back to the dorm did stay with her (and there were other people back at the dorm as well). Once at the hospital the girl was told she would be fine but had to stay in the ER for a few hours. I guess this girl was tired and wanted to go home.<br>
The 3 or 4 girls that were at the party came up with a similar conclusion as someone in the above post- crisis is over, she’s being taken care of- why rush home now. I’m sure my D was being selfish after having been sick for so long- and in her mind, this was Halloween- not just another Sat night. But they had no idea the girl was so ill until they got the text. Nobody told them about what was happening for the 2 hours before they called the ambulance. Roomie was stumbling and being loud but was not vomiting when D saw her last.</p>
<p>RA was not involved, so not sure the school is even aware of the incident- or to what extent. And…kid is 18 and parents were not notified. Roomie asked my D to call parents at 5am and let them know what happened and that she was back home and ok. Roomies reasoning -D was the only one that didn’t drink and could tell the parents that she saw her do 5 shots pre-party.</p>
<p>Kity- the hours they keep are indeed crazy! D’s not sure if she got back at 2 or 3 am because of the time change! </p>
<p>As I said before- the roomie is not upset w/ D. The girls who had to go through the terrifying experience w/roomie were the ones who were angry. Misplaced anger- maybe justified in some minds I suppose. Live and learn. I spent my childhood dealing with a drunk so I bring some baggage to this. I tend to be hard on drinkers who make others live’s more challenging.</p>
<p>I remember when when daughter was having a horrible reaction to a medication mid year during her first year. She had already made several friends who should have known that something was very wrong with her behavior. I was calling her daily to see how she was doing because the meds were new, and on day four I spoke to her and knew something was very wrong. It was a very long drive to her college knowing that there was not a friend there who alerted us or called 911. My daughter ended up in the hospital with a severe reaction to medication. I honestly wanted to scream at the stupid friends, but instead warned my daughter that she needed to find either more intelligent friends or kinder ones.</p>
<p>Did the roommate look out for, and go out of her way, to help your daughter while she was very sick in the 2 weeks before the event? If yes, I can see why the dorm kids would think your daughter owed more to the roommate. Are the roommates perceived as “friends”? </p>
<p>Are they freshmen? </p>
<p>As parents, I think we all at least hope a roommate would care enough to go the extra mile for a roommate…</p>
<p>One of my D’s first observations when she was in her first year was that there are practically no adults in her daily life. Professors are at the other end of a crowded room, and RAs are kids, just like themselves. Adult support is lurking in the background if it is needed, but kids often have to self-advocate for the safety net to become visible. Therefore, many kids still need some form of help and, perhaps, authoritative figure from time to time. Certainly your D is not the roommate’s “mother,” but clearly the roommate needed someone, and your D may have been the closest one to her. It seems selfish that she decided to continue to party when she was needed in an emergency. I would agree with others who said that she did not do the right thing here. I also agree that the environment might get hostile. I also agree that you should try to stay out of it until it blows over-- which it probably will. Perhaps you can suggest that she apologize to the roomie and suggest that she will not let her down again, if that situation should come up again. Hopefully, it won’t happen again.</p>
<p>poetgrl: I love the “no girl left behind” policy. A great concept that I may have to pass on!</p>
<p>D1 freshman year was always the person that picked up those sloppy girls. D1 had high tolerance for alcohol and she also didn’t drink as much as others. She was appalled that some of those girls would leave their “best friend” or roommate behind, sometimes in some very inappropriate and dangerous situations. </p>
<p>Legally we are rnot esponsible for anyone, but ourselves. But do we really tell our kids that self gratification comes before welfare of other people? I think all the talks about “it’s a Halloween party, the biggest party night, the daughter hasn’t partied for 2 weeks due to illness” are just excuse of covering the daughter’s selfish behavior. She was texted about her roommate, probably from the girl that was nice enough to bring the roommate back to her room. The roommate was no more the other girl’s responsibility than OP’s daughter, why did she have enough compassion to do the right thing.</p>
<p>D1 was very sick in school a few times. She depended on her dormmates(she had a single) and friends to get food and drinks for her. As I worried about her passing out in her room with no one around, she said there were so many people checking up on her that she wasn’t able to get any rest.</p>
<p>When we leave home, without support of family and friends, we do depend on new friends we make. I think anyone who has moved around a lot understands what that means. Most of us get back as much as we put out.</p>
<p>Where in all of this was the RA or whatever they call the person in charge of the dorm floor at your D’s college/university?</p>
<p>When my D was a Freshman Counselor, she got called out of parties/gatherings/etc. on a number of occassions to deal with one of her freshman that ended up drunk and spent a few nights at the University Health Service watching out for that person. Not a problem, that was part of her job and why she got a reduced R&B charge senior year. It also was a part of her (intensive) training.</p>
<p>Sometimes it is hard for students, especially freshmen, to know what to do in these situations. They’re used to parents being around to handle crises and they don’t have the best judgment about assessing the severity of a situation vs. the consequences of getting caught drinking. It’s all part of the learning experience.</p>
<p>I had a student several years ago whose roommate, fairly early in the freshman year, came back to their room drunk. The RM climbed up into her bunk and then fell off. My student asked her if she was ok. When the RM said she was fine, my student let her lay there. All night. Turns out the RM had a broken leg! </p>
<p>My student’s defense was that the RM said she was ok and that she didn’t want to get the RM in trouble for underage drinking. Sigh.</p>
<p>Responsibility - no.</p>
<p>However, my daughter recently had an unexpected visit to the ER - high fever at the onset of swine flu. Her roommate drove her, stayed with her, and then drove to the pharmacy to pick up prescriptions.</p>
<p>My son recently had an unexpected visit to the ER - swine flu complications. His two roommates drove him to the hospital at 2:30 in the morning, kept me in the loop, and waited with him until he was released at 5:30 a.m.</p>
<p>Roommates’ responsiblity - no; perhaps just responsible roommates. </p>
<p>BTW, as a parent, I want to give a nod to these roommates who risked swine flu, changed plans or stayed up all night to help out my sick kid.</p>
<p>If my daughter had come to me and presented this situation, I might have said a few things like " what the &^%$ are you thinking about going out all night when you are still recovering from an illness & on medication?</p>
<p>I would also say, " treat others like you want to be treated".
You don’t have to be joined at the hip with your roommate, but to have a friend- be a friend. You don’t watch your friends get so wasted they have to be taken to the hospital- you don’t ignore them when they are anyway.</p>
<p>If a roommate is so ill they need to be hospitalized , but there is the short term desire of attending a party, you have to make the choice of a long or short term goal being more important.
You can be entertained or you can build character by standing by someone in a difficult time.</p>
<p>I can see wishing that you made the choice to take care of your roommate after the fact, but I can’t see any party being so gratifying that someone wished they had attended that instead.</p>
<p>I am not that familiar with pregaming, my daughter only drinks occasionally to be social, she is mystified in general by people who want to lose control that way-I think it helps that both she and her roommate took a year off to travel, and so have a different perspective than those who have gone from their parents house and being in high school, to being basically unsupervised and living with peers.</p>
<p>I would hope though that she would put her roommates well being ahead of her need for diversion and if she didn’t, I would expect that she would spend some time identifying why she made that choice and would she do the same again.</p>
<p>Ok. I’m finished with self editing. There are several problems here. One, the girl who got drunk. So, she was stupid. Enough said. She was sick. This may be a one time thing, or an ongoing problem. If it is the latter she needs help. If this was a one time thing, she probably won’t do it again. Roommate was wrong to drink to excess. But what if she put in hand in the communal silverware containers and got sick? And then got sick again because she, stupidly, went to the communal silverware. Would your daughter be so over her being sick?</p>
<p>As for your daughter: To party the night away with the presumption that her roommate was being helped by others is simply appalling. Would you want to receive a call from your daughter saying that she was alone with a fever and there was no one to help her?</p>
<p>As a mother: I would be looking in a mirror hard. To think that I raised such a self centered brat would be heart wrenching. But then, I guess, with some introspection I would know where the brat came from: me. Because I obviously lacked the moral compass to teach my kid compassion and commitment to others. And, I guess I would also realize that I was one of those people for whom every problem is somebody else’s fault. My child is perfect after all, no matter what she does. And fie on anyone who hurts/calls her out/or disses her for her behavior.</p>
<p>In my daughter’s freshman year, she was hospitalized early on and her roommate was hospitalized in the spring for a life-threatening illness. Neither related to drinking, drugs or any behavior. When my daughter got sick, they barely knew each other, but her roommate stayed the night with her and kept in touch with us by phone. She was a gracious lady in every way and I was grateful. when it unfortunately became her time of difficulty, my daughter was there for her in the same way. That was the right thing to do. I’m a big believer in sending good vibes into the universe whenever possible becaise, among other reasons, you never know when you or yours might need some.</p>
<p>Under tort law one has absolutely no obligation to any other person, unless they have specific training which could help the person, though that is state law. So somebody could be dieing and unless you have specific training you have no obligation to do anything, including calling for help. </p>
<p>You daughter had more to loose than to gain in the situation. I am of the belief, “no good deed goes unpunished.” Its best just to stay away. Taking a roommate to the hospital because they are generally sick is different than them needing a hospital because of their own devices.</p>
<p>I’m not as harsh as some of the previous posters or as blase, however I do think when your daughter got the text she should have gone to the hospital to support her roommate but that is me. Clearly as the OP can tell from the posts there are various attitudes regarding what being “roommates” means. The OPs daughter has put the proverbial “stake in the ground” regarding her perception of the dorm relationships and yes, there will be those that will criticize her decision. Perhaps she will experience some emotional growth through this episode.</p>
<p>Momofthreeboys is right. There are many ways of looking at this situation. Your D is not wrong, but she will be stuck with the consequences of her decision that night – whatever they turn out to be.</p>