Is it irresponsible to provide alternate housing for 16-year-old?

Parent Cafe
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<p>I’ve posted before about my struggles with my now 16-year-old daughter. She has struggled with depression and anxiety and has some bipolar qualities. Her psychiatrist cannot officially diagnose her as bipolar because she hasn’t had a clear manic episode, but is definitely concerned about her and she is being tried on a mood stabilizer. Because the mood stabilizing drug has not created a change for her (its been about 2 months), I’m wondering if she may not so much have a mental illness as she is a major brat. </p>

<p>She has been involved with her girlfriend off and on for a year. She has always been concerned about this girl’s home life and recently decided she absolutely must rescue her by having her move into our home. I thought this was inappropriate and unhealthy, but D’s psychiatrist has actually encouraged me to see it as good that D is so caring, and possibly when I get to know Girlfriend better, I will want to take her on as my responsibility as well. This is also fine with the girl’s parent. She’s almost 18. This was supposed to be temporary. There was an agreement that GF would look for work and I’d pay for her to rent a room elsewhere for 30 days and by that time she would have found work, etc. We’re at about day 20 now - no job, and no evidence that she’s looking very hard. D has also sharply tapered her job hunting since GF has come to stay with us. </p>

<p>They seem to view it as a vacation. They sleep in, stay up late, invite other friends over and treat the house as an internet cafe and restaurant. They politely avoid picking up after themselves, doing their own laundry, or doing anything to contribute to the running of the household. D <em>tells me</em> where they’re going and has the gall to demand I drive them or give them bus fare regardless of whether I agree to where they’re going. D has either pegged me as such a pushover and concerned about her mental health that I will never “put my foot down” regarding this situation for fear of another suicide attempt, or she is so angry at me (for not being happy about supporting GF) that she’s decided I deserve being used. </p>

<p>For my mental health, it is worth it to me to find GF housing elsewhere even at my expense. What I’ve taken an awfully long time to get around to is whether we should be looking for a place that they can both stay in, since D and I are so miserable in eachother’s company. I’m not even sure of the legal implications of this, since I wouldn’t be throwing her out on the street. I feel it <em>could</em> be a healthy way for her to gain some perspective and teach them both about taking more responsibility for themselves, but I also anticipate feeling guilty that the stress of “really” living together would most likely push them to breaking up, which would likely then put my D into another scary episode. I also worry that without my presence, D would not be able to get her act together enough to continue with school. I even worry that she’d be too lazy to wash her clothes, eat well, etc.</p>

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<p>Are these girls in school? </p>

<p>You are not under obligation to care for your daughter’s girlfriend. If she’s free riding off you–which is what this sounds like–then tell her that she needs to find other arrangements for herself. She’s 18 and an adult. If she’s not in school and not working, well, she’s going to need to sort herself out. </p>

<p>Now, your daughter is your responsibility. There is a big difference between an almost 18 year old and a just turned 16 year old–not to mention the fact that one is your daughter and one is not. An 18 year old is an adult. A 16 year old is not. Your daughter needs to be at home with a caring adult watching out for her, especially given her recent diagnosis. I think that it is irresponsible for you to consider having your ill 16 year old move out of your house. You need to set strict ground rules for your daughter about your expectations for household responsibilities, studying/homework, a part time job, taking her medication, earning her own spending money, rules for inviting friends over, use of substances (should be zero tolerance–particularly if she’s other medications), etc. Finally, you need to assist her in finding the right balance of medication and therapy. </p>

<p>If your daughter isn’t currently in therapy, then find a good therapist. I believe you would benefit from some sessions of family therapy as well, where you can work on establishing and then enforcing appropriate household rules. A psychiatrist is generally not the best person to act as a therapist. </p>

<p>The girlfriend is not your responsibility. It’s kind of you to help her, but it’s not your job. Your daughter, however, is completely your responsibility. You need to set rules to keep her behavior in line while at the same time supporting and helping her to deal with her mental illness.</p>

<p>EDIT: I just skimmed one of your other posts. It strikes me as very strange that the psychiatrist would encourage you to have the other girl move in with you. First of all, the age difference is relatively large for a relationship in that age group. Second, the fact that they met online, live 1.5 hours apart, and the other girl comes from a troubled home life is a red flag for me, especially given the fact that your daughter’s behavior seems worse around this girl. Third, it seems ridiculous for a psychiatrist to encourage a then 15 year old to live with her 17/18 year old new girlfriend, even if it is under an adult’s roof. Your daughter is way too young to be living with a girlfriend or boyfriend.</p>

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<p>Jeez…what a nutty psychiatrist. Take an exhausted family and add another troubled adolescent? What rubbish. What vindictiveness.</p>

<ol>
<li><p>Get a new psychiatrist.</p></li>
<li><p>Tell the girl to move out–on her own dime. Niether you nor your daughter can afford for you to be exhausted further.</p></li>
<li><p>Consider getting some cognitive therapy for yourself. You are getting pushed around when you need to hold boundaries.</p></li>
<li><p>Consider contacting the IECA to find a residential boarding school with a therapuetic component for your daughter. <a href=“http://www.educationalconsulting.org%5B/url%5D”>www.educationalconsulting.org</a></p></li>
</ol>

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<p>That psychiatrist should have his/her license revoked!!!</p>

<p>Send the 18 yr old away, and get some much needed help for yourself and your daughter!</p>

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<p>i posted on another thread and got some flack for what I said, but I will repeat it here</p>

<p>you have allowed your daughter to use her ailment to walk allover you, it was a disservice to you both, it is time to really pull in the reigns and set serious rules, boundaries etc</p>

<p>to be blunt, your reaction to your Ds possible illness has probably clouded the real problems going on</p>

<p>for instance, how much of her behavior is having run of the house, and how much is truely from her ailment</p>

<p>I am not blaming you nor making a judgement, just giving a quick jolt</p>

<p>I just reread your post, and the end of your first paragraph shows you may have your own wondering about your D</p>

<p>get the GF out (and what you want to bet that the GFs home life wasn’t as bad as advertised, seeing how the GF is treating you and your home)</p>

<p>get the GF out and don’t back down, no matter how mad your D gets</p>

<p>and sit down with the “physchitrist” and tell her the advice was bad and just enabled your D to behave badly</p>

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<p>and is staying with a person who is obviouslly a bad influence better than dealing with a potential scary episode?</p>

<p>If that same therapist that gave the advise to take in the GF is the one that is evaluating your Ds mental health, I would reallly wonder- about the medication, the analysis, the not knowing the difference between true mental illness and bratty teens, thinking one is the other, but then not having any real feel for teenagers and the potential harm that could come for the GF moving in, shows the therapist doesn’t have a clue</p>

<p>to even suggest taking in an almost adult and then you pretty much adopt her is so far off the mark, that is difficult enough with healthy, calm, families with no real issues</p>

<p>are these significant others? I mean, sharing a bed? If this had been a male, would the pych have made the same suggestion, for those two to shack up at 16? because the ramifications are the same</p>

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<p>I’ve worked with enough troubled teens to wish that some wonderful relative or friend would “adopt” them. You’ve got a good heart.</p>

<p>Other posters have mentioned not being too soft. If they are assigned set chores, then you don’t do anything for them until they complete the task. You need each to report about job search, and remind them that if neither has a job in 10 days, the friend will be leaving. No money from you. I suspect your D will yell at you until you want to cave.</p>

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<p>You need to seek professional help. You have your own troubled family and now you’re taking on another troubled family. You have legal liabilities by having this other minor (‘almost 18’ is a 17 y/o minor) living in your household and you’d have legal liabilities if your D moved out. You definitely should not get the other girl or her and your D an apartment somewhere together. Your responsibility is to your own family. Focus on your own issues and try to get them straightened out.</p>

<p>Your issues are much larger than can be resolved by advice from some anonymous posters on a web board. You need to seek professional counseling.</p>

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<p>I agree with all the other posts. And, definitely get a new psychiatrist. I’d even go a step further and report that one.</p>

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<p>“girlfriend” ? Is this a love interest or a platonic relationship?</p>

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<p>Is this for real? I really have a hard time believing some of the stuff people post here. Does the daughter not attend school? </p>

<p>I’d kick the GF out; the residential boarding school sounds like a great idea (or a hospital), and get therapy for yourself. And, yep, she does sound like a “major brat.”</p>

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<p>“but D’s psychiatrist has actually encouraged me to see it as good that D is so caring”</p>

<p>Did I miss something? You’re all responding as though the psychiatrist actually encouraged him to take the girl in - rather than just to see it as a positive sign that his daughter cares about someone. What, exactly, did the psychiatrist do that she ought to be reported for?</p>

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<p>Really, let’s clear up right away: romantic or platonic? Romantic with a young woman of majority (>18)??? NO. Age difference too great.</p>

<p>Platonic? No. She can live on her own or move in with some other kids her age (check the newspaper for “share apartments”). Sounds like she is enjoying your hospitality! </p>

<p>Get a new psychiatrist, immediately, and some family therapy. Report old psych. He’s nuts!</p>

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<p>Sounds like encouragement to me.</p>

<p>And since when do psychiatrists actually talk to patients? I thought they simply prescribed drugs. Maybe she should be seeing a psychologist instead.</p>

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<p>She stated it was romantic in another thread…but the girl is still only “almost” 17.</p>

<p>And she stated that the psychiatrist “encourage her to see it as good that D is so caring”…I don’t think that is the same as encouraging her to take the girl in as well. (The following statement seemed to me as though the psychiatrist was telling the mom to get to know the girlfriend, and take it from there.)</p>

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<p>“since when do psychiatrists actually talk to patients?..”</p>

<p>Some do. And despite what might be implied on forums, there is nothing simple about prescribing drugs. ( smile…sort of…)</p>