Reading these threads makes me glad in some ways that we are the family pariahs (basically for actually standing up for ourselves, long, involved story I wouldn’t put on anyone), that our holidays (my own little family) was our own, with maybe friends doing things together.
The thing with adult children is realizing that that relationship changes over time, it is something we see playing out with our son. In their 20’s, you can of have to be the person willing to be listen but not saying much, letting them live their lives but also letting them know you are still there for them (and I apologize, this is digressing a bit, but I think it is important to this thread). In their late 20’s on it changes again from what I can see, suddenly they may actually a)want to be around you and b) will suddenly ask for your advice. I think the same process governs with them holidays, they want to be in control and don’t want to feel like they ‘have to’ do something.
In our case it isn’t family, it is that our son is a classical musician and he and his group are on the go, so he has very limited time to be with us. One thing I strongly feel is as a parent, if you push seeing them , remind them, it could backfire. With our son, maybe because he never felt pressure from us with holidays, he had to cancel more than a few times, he got sick, was exhausted from touring, and as disappointing as it could be for us he knew we understood. As a result I think when he does get time to share with us, he doesn’t feel it is an obligation like I used to think about family holiday stuff, he sees it actually as relaxing (I can understand that one; when they aren’t traveling, their rehearsal schedule is like 7 days a week,6-7 hours a day). That we are homebodies helps, he could call us up, and say “hey, is it okay if I stay there X day overnight” and we are just happy to see him. These days it also extends to his group, who have kind of become like family, and given they have performances within driving distance of our house, means we see them (and they don’t have to worry about accomodations or have an easier time where they perform here, there and everywhere over the span of a few days). They know they are welcome, and that we give them their space when they are here and enjoy having them.
And of course, with all of this YMMV, kids are different, they have different needs. Still, given that, I think the biggest gift we can give them as parents is recognize they may be different than us, make choices we wouldn’t, and give them what I call agency in the relationship. It isn’t easy, because of course we want to see them, and there is enough in the parent in us to want them to still be that kid they once were. For us as parents it wasn’t easy, because we grew up so differently, especially in my dysfunctional family of origin, but all I can say is I am just happy that with our son, what we did seemed to work, he keeps in touch with us via text, shares the meals they are eating (food is important to him and his group, not surprisingly they may be the only group named after a chef! lol), and shares his life and seems to enjoy what time he can give us.
