Is it too early to whine about the holidays?

Parent Cafe
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I’m pretty good the rest of the year. Dang though, thanksgiving and Christmas just bring it all out!

Neither of my children live near. My mom moved near my sibling so I guess she’s nearer the kids but everyone lives in a different place. The in laws live near us.

My daughter in law is an only child and her mom is a widow. Her mom lives in the same state as we do but 3.5 hours away, 1.5 hours from my in laws. This information will make sense later.

My daughter’s new husband is on call, she doesn’t want to or has traveled to our area for any holidays since they started dating.

Last year, I threw in the towel and spent thanksgiving in Europe. Kids were unhappy, daughter was alone.

We offered to go to daughter’s house since she was upset last year. She asked her brother and family to come to her house.

I’m pretty sure that my dil wants to be with her mom. They would like thanksgiving to be at her mom’s and then travel for the day to my in-laws so that they can say they spent the holidays with both sides. Daughter lives no where near.

My in laws are always sad when we aren’t with them. But our children don’t travel to our house so we travel there. My granddaughter is 2.5 and has never been to my house, my daughter has been here once in the last 5 years. As I told my mil, every holiday we spend with you is one we don’t spend with our kids.

I haven’t even got to my mom, I’m sure my sibling feels that they are doing all the heavy lifting and I should take my mom to my house for Christmas. Even though her mobility is extremely limited.

I know there really isn’t a solution. Driving my in laws to my daughters is not an option, their mobility is extremely limited. Entertaining at the in laws house isn’t really feasible either.

I’m just whining. Haven’t even begun to think about Christmas which is its own set of issues.

Anyone else want to commiserate? I don’t particularly want to hear how your kids come to your house or how it all works out great because it doesn’t at mine.

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We’re behind you, my oldest child is only a junior in college, and my in-laws both died years ago, so the logistics have been reasonably simple.

But this is the first year that I have a child not coming home for Thanksgiving, and he’s planning to relocate an 8 hour drive (without traffic, not holiday time) away once school is over. So I’m just starting to realize that my holidays will be challenging going forward, and not what I’ve been able to have. And it makes me so sad just to think about.

So all that to say, I’m not where you are now, but I hear you, and I see how hard and frustrating and just disappointing this is. If I were in your spot, I’d absolutely be unhappy with the situation. I wish you good luck and the ability to find a zen zone as you deal with all of this. It feels like a lot of emotions and wants and needs on top of logistical challenges, any one of which would be exhausting.

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Holidays can s*%k. We had to resign ourselves long ago to the fact that our children would never spend holidays with my in laws. They lived more than 13 hours away, and they refused to come to our house for the holidays. When I first got on Facebook, I found all my SIL’s posts about the awesome holidays with all the family (SIL, her H, her son & whatever GF he had, and my in laws) kind of a slap in the face.

Then after my parents died, our holidays that included my brothers & their families sort of just petered out … I only have 2 of my 4 brothers left, and only one has a family. Then beginning with Covid but still today, my brother with the family has pulled away. He has a grandchild with very severe health challenges, so they don’t spend holidays with anyone other than their immediate family (they’re afraid to expose the child to germs). So my kids don’t see the cousins they grew up with, and my GD has no cousin-kids to play with. I’ve gone from a lifetime of huge family holidays to our small family only. I’m lucky to be with them, but there is an aching for what I’ve lost.

Last Christmas, H woke up to a cold that was quickly confirmed to be Covid. So that was a Christmas not to remember.

I feel pretty ambivalent about the holidays this year. I need to come to terms with the fact that things change.

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When we were young with children, we did all the traveling over the holidays to visit family. Parents lived 1100 miles and 1400 miles away, but at least in the same state. Each year, we alternated. We only had 2 weeks of vacation time from work, so the majority of this was used up over the holidays. We drove a few times, but usually flew (which obviously could be expensive for a family). I think there were only one or two years when the parents came to our home.

I swore I would not do the same to our kids. We also did not want the same “part-time” relationship, of visiting for only a few days (or weeks) each year. So, now, WE again do the traveling, and they are 2400 miles away. We chose (and fortunately can afford) to stay much longer (like snow-birds, except to a PNW location). Our time is also now more flexible due to remote work, and partial retirement.

No doubt it is complicated. Families today are so scattered. Any event (weddings, funerals, holidays) become much harder - and expensive. I tell myself it is better than when former families separated across continents, and only had letters to share. But I’m still jealous of those who can easily drive to see each other. A few I know have family in the same neighborhood or block (Everybody Loves Raymond style). SIGH!

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I made the comment to D recently that one of the benefits of living 3 miles away from her house is that I have quality time with her kids in the everyday sense instead of the crazy holiday mode. Ex H and I divorced when she was under 2 and S was 6. Though we lived in same city, I had to split holidays with his family through the years. Christmas morning would be fun, but by 11 he was wanting to pick kids up to go to his mom’s house and I would spend the rest of the day alone or with my mom. I have long loved just having good quality time in everyday mode with kids & their families when I didn’t have to share or travel. Completely feel for @deb922 and others who struggle with holiday logistics.

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I am very aware that we can travel to our children.

But I also would love for us to entertain them at our home every once in a while. I really don’t think it’s terrible to want your children to come to their parent’s house. Not every year even.

I don’t want them to give up all of their vacation time visiting family. But they give up none.

My new sil has more vacation time than my daughter. He wants to spend every day of her vacation time going on vacation. Which is fine but his parents get to have them at their home to celebrate holidays.

My dil goes to her mom’s plenty. They have not been to our house since before they were pregnant. I know they travel to see her grandparents, my mom lives an hour away and they haven’t been there.

I’m aware that things and times are different. But navigating all of this is very challenging for me and my husband. I know I’m whining.

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My husband doesn’t want to move near the kids. Both live in major urban areas. We live in a beautiful area in the country.

I still want to live with my husband. Who doesn’t want to move.

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You’re not whining - you have a complicated situation without a lot of solutions that keeps everyone happy. When you don’t get to see your kids/grandkids on a regular everyday basis I can understand wanting to be together for a holiday at your home.
Perhaps throw out the invite now for one of the holidays, maybe they will think about it and understand your feelings.
I think sometimes I’ve tried too hard to accommodate everyone else without expressing what I would like to happen. Which really stinks because I do most of the work to make these gatherings happen.

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Just want to send big hugs! I wish it were easier.

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I’m sorry the holidays are so stressful for you. The whole season can be rough between expectations, memories, guilt trips, and rarely getting to consider your own wishes. I think it’s toughest on the sandwich generation with both elderly parents and grown children who aren’t able to travel due to work, family demands, health, etc.

H and I have become accustomed to spending most holidays by ourselves. Our parents have all died and there have been many reasons why we haven’t spent most holidays with our grown kids. Between health issues, in-laws, work demands, and other problems, it’s better to see them at other times. We do Skype calls with the one who’s out of town; sometimes it’s the day before or after the holiday.

While all of our situations are different, my guess is that most of us can empathize with your feelings. When it’s your children’s spouses who seem to call the shots that can make it tough to find any sort of good solution; at least that’s been my experience. Any suggestion of criticism or complaint can result in a defensive response and relationships become fraught.

We now treat ourselves by ordering something indulgent from Goldbelly, Cajun Grocer or other online food purveyor and watching some old favorite movies on both Thanksgiving and Christmas. Some years I’ve cried in the shower, but once that’s over I’m generally okay.

Maybe next year in the first quarter, before too many travel plans are made, you could write letters expressing your desire for a visit. That will give them time to figure out how to make it work with their schedules. Or you could write the letters now and assure them that you understand it’s probably not possible this year but you hope that they could find a way to make it work next year. You may want to suggest they could plan to make it a tradition to come every three or four years, if only to make it clear you don’t expect this to be an annual event and even suggest “Christmas in July” if traveling over the holidays won’t happen.

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Would YOU consider moving if H was open to the option?

At least from what you post on CC it sure seems like you and H have bent over backwards to accommodate your in-laws, your kids in-laws, your kids….really you shouldn’t be the only ones stretching your situation !

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I love where we are. We have a beautiful home and live in a beautiful place. Right now it’s a wonderful place to be retired. We make the most of where we are.

I do feel a lot of societal pressure. I get this feeling sometimes that I could do more to accommodate my children’s needs. Be a better parent, move to where they are. Watch the grandchildren. I feel like I’m letting down what should be done. Instead I’m being selfish staying in my house and enjoying my and my husband’s retired life. My sibling has told me that they would give up their life to be close to her grandchildren. Of course I think that all of her children will live in her town and she will stay in the house she has.

Right now feeling pulled in a lot of different directions. I feel like I’m trying to please a bunch of different people and pleasing none.

Thanks for letting me whine. These responses have helped a lot.

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Is it too early to whine about the holidays?

No. Whine away.

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I think I have made my point but since I feel that each of my children are trying to support their spouses. Which put us in a position of not wanting to get between a marriage.

I’m also cognizant of letting the kids and their spouses feel that I’m not overstepping my boundaries. I think that this generation really wants their needs to be respected but not have to be worried about their parents.

And the kids are trying to be good in laws and their in laws have their own demands. I think it’s easier to dismiss ours.

For instance, my kid is going to Colorado to see the colors this year. I live in northern Michigan, the colors are spectacular here. Truly spectacular.

I asked, you know the colors are good here? I was told that the husband arranged the trip and it’s expensive to fly to Michigan and cheap to fly to Colorado. Second time in 3 months that they’ve gone there. Just because.

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I only read your three posts on this @deb922

One, you are NOT whining. The only people who would think this was a whine are people who have never had to deal with it.

Two, something my therapist told me that I find REALLY difficult to do … If you need or want something from your kids, tell them. She told me that about six weeks ago, and I have been practicing it and I can’t believe how well it’s gone! lol So, that being said, tell your children that you would like an every-other-year arrangement for Christmas (if that’s what you want). We adopted this system from my BIL and SIL. One year it’s a YDS family year, and everyone is expected to be together here or somewhere of our choosing. On the off year, do whatever you want, with the expectation being you go to the in-laws’ or have them over so that there’s “equal” time. So far, it’s worked really well. I hope that if ds2 gets married that his wife will abide the arrangement.

I have a friend whose ds and DIL spend SO much more time with her family, who are rich and bought a a fourth house across the country so they could spend more time with them. Not to mention their third house, where everyone is expected to spend a month in the summer, but they never invite my friend. IT STINKS. My friend can’t afford a second home, much less a vacation third home and an other-coast fourth home. And her dh is still working so can’t sell the home to move across the country.

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One of the things that keeps me engaged with CC despite being closer to having oldest GD in college than to when kids were in college is the Parents Cafe and the chance to be able to honestly express how we are feeling when it would not always be a good idea to express these things IRL without careful consideration. Whine away :heart:

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I’m probably a year or two behind you in needing to share holidays with my D’s bf’s parents. It makes my heart hurt reading your posts.

I want to be the super easy parent who doesn’t make it hard on my D or make demands on her time, but I would be incredibly hurt if things weren’t equitable.

I wish there was some way that you could communicate the hurt to your children without triggering a negative/defensive response.

FWIW, this isn’t fair to you at all and I’m glad you are sharing and venting with us.

:blue_heart:

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Same here. We tried going a few times but that was always a hot mess. My parents lived about 10 miles from my inlaws and while everyone said that was great, the reality was we were constantly doing a push/pull and I was always in the middle. My family was more flexible, but then they ended up getting shorted…

And yes the "we had a wonderful Holiday with family " comments were painful because we weren’t there.

We solved Thanksgiving by doing our own dinner and inviting friends and it was actually a blast. Christmas stunk. I always felt bad for my kids.

I feel for everyone who has been put in a bad situation this way.

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Holidays are so hard. I know you’re not looking for solutions, but I really like the idea of “strongly asking” that they agree to spend one of X holidays with you, at your home. Even better if you can get both kids home the same year.
You may not be the “funnest” or the “richest” or the ??? one, but you are important too. Maybe agree that you can celebrate together at a time close to the actual holiday. Or maybe get them to agree to a “family vacation” time together every X amount of time.
I have mostly been lucky, but remember one holiday I was very sad bc our immediate family member wanted to spend the time with us, but the partner insisted on doing something else. I do have one that doesn’t even talk to us though, which is its own version of sad.

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To all of those who say to ask, I have.

There will be no every other year of them traveling to our house.

I’d be happy to have an every 5 years.

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