I guess I can now find a positive of our kids having no significant others and no children, no competition for holidays. Maybe not.
We have a tradition of always going to the in-laws for a big family reunion over Thanksgiving. Over the years, there’s always conflict, whether it’s alcohol or politics, though thankfully we’re usually not involved. When my MIL passes away, I don’t know if these reunions will continue. Christmas is always at our house, because my husband really wants it to be. But really, I do not care much for the holidays, none of it, and wish that I could go travel on a fun vacation instead.
It sounds like people are used to you guys always making the effort to visit over holidays, and that’s their tradition, you do the work. That would be wearying. My vote is that you start a new Thanksgiving tradition, to go to Europe or some amazingly fantastic vacation every year. If daughter ends up on her own, so be it, she could have asked to go to your house. You should have no guilt, since it’s not like anyone else is making an effort to visit you.
All of us except my son in Poland are traveling to Austin for Christmas. It’s just so weird now that my parents’ house doesn’t exist anymore. Plus my mom was the one who did Christmas up right, and it’s not the same without her.
There’s not enough room at my sister’s house for us, so I’m getting an Airbnb. My ill son will stay at my dad’s facility because he can rest as much as he needs to there. I don’t know, I just can’t seem to get psyched up for the trip. Maybe I will feel differently in December.
We will spend both Thanksgiving and Christmas at friends. Our DD and husband will join us if they aren’t working (but they probably will be). We have done these friend holidays for over 30 years.
We don’t live near any of our families. We have traveled to them (it’s a long trip) over the years. We stopped Christmas when our kids were little because we wanted them to have Christmas morning at home. For many years, we invited my in-laws to join us. They never came one time. Not once time.
We have driven to my family over the years also. But really, we prefer to visit them when it’s NOT a major holiday. There is far less traffic, and far less angst over meal prep, where, etc.
Also, I’m not a huge fan of traveling in any way over the holiday weekends.
So…we do things like have “happy everything” parties with my family when I’m in town. Relaxed and fun. We have done Christmas in July also (I’m usually there in June or July). It’s a nice change.
Holiday time tends to have all this drama…it’s just more fun to do these get togethers at other times for us.
Just wanted to say I so understand. I do. We have five different places we could be. My in laws don’t want to decide anything until right before , but still want to be surprised thatthey don’t see anyone. My kids are 950 and 180 miles away from us; I don’t want to appropriate their little time from work but I have a fragile mom and fussy inlaws of my own.
At this point,I just want someone to decide and let me know. Five households not deciding isn’t something that results in happy people. Last year we had Thanksgiving twice and four Christmases. It was exhausting.
I wouldn’t move either. It’s not our job to provide childcare and that doesn’t make us bad parents. I try to ask for what I want, even understanding I might not get it, but it feels like I have always disapointed somebody this time of year.
Could many of us be “better” according to society? Probably. Could other members of the family also be better? Absolutely probably! Plenty of guilt to go around.
You seem to have a home life you love. That is a prize - not everyone feels that way. Sometimes I think young adults can get caught up in the “glamor” of more trendy places to visit. Colorado! Caribbean! When actually a great vacation is really what you and the people around you make it - no matter where you are. They just have to be willing to try that!
No, not too early. I went to Lowes today and it was already Christmas central. I absolutely HATE that they put all that garbage out so early. Anyway, I am sorry. I hate for you that this pattern with your kids is now set.
For the second time in 20 years, we are going to my family for Thanksgiving. There are several reasons why we never go there, but the main one is that we live on opposite coasts and our vacation time is too precious. We just don’t want to use vacation time for the holidays. I feel compelled to do it this year because my stepmom is very elderly now and probably doesn’t have much time left. My daughter lives overseas and my son just started a new job, so neither will be with us.
We still don’t know for sure if our daughter will be home for Christmas, but I really hope she is.
It’s great that our kids lead their own lives now, but on a very selfish and self-pitying level, I want them with me.
Our kids are still youngish without significant others which helps. We go to my parents for Thanksgiving and my in-laws’ for Christmas (Although it helps that my family doesn’t celebrate Christmas). I told my kids to try to pick the same coast when they settle down. I’m ready to move now.
You have asked them to come. But, have you asked them why they choose not to?
These are hard conversations. But your feelings are valid. Do you express those feelings?
The pattern I like (not mine, I got it from a book), is to state an action of theirs and how that makes you feel. “When you do __________, I feel _________.” It doesn’t assign any motive or assume anything to them. You are identifying actions of theirs - not their intent.
“When you go to __________ for __________, I feel hurt/dismissed/insignificant/devalued/underappreciated/minimized, etc.”
I feel for you, OP. I, too, am a pleaser. It’s exhausting. And frustrating. Because there is invariable at least one person who is not pleased. Usually more than one because I’m rarely pleased with the holiday outcomes. Giving and taking fall along a spectrum, but it is wearisome when you are the one who is constantly giving, and everyone else is taking.
We had this as a hard & fast rule as well when we had kids. Family was always welcome to come but Christmas Day was in our own house.
My married daughter adopted an alternating holiday schedule with her in-laws. If they do Thanksgiving there, Christmas is here and vice/versa. They live close by us and we have the advantage of seeing them often, so I don’t get ruffled if they spend time with her in-laws. When Thanksgiving is with them, they are generous to always invite us. We did go one year and it was wonderful, but I don’t really want to travel on the holidays unless it’s an all hands on deck family vacation somewhere.
This year, Christmas is with their in-laws so it will just be my college daughter at home. She hates being the only person opening presents on Christmas (DH and I only get each other one or two gifts). Her boyfriend will also likely join us at some point during the day.
I anticipate that when I have grandkids, it will get more complicated and I will probably have more feelings about it. My plan is to book travel for those holidays where no kids or grandkids will be around so we’re not sitting in an empty house.
I have an old friend with a large family and every year for Thanksgiving and Christmas, she travels around the east coast on the weekends before and after the actual holiday to celebrate with her siblings and nieces/nephews. I always tease her that she’s never celebrated the holidays on the actual day She’s welcoming twin granddaughters this winter and I wonder if things will change after their arrival.
The very first concept we abandoned as parents of adults was that any specific day was better than any other day. We celebrate Christmas, Easter, and Thanksgiving on whatever close-to-actual day we can make work. My extended family has a big “Christmas” picnic an entirely different month because travel was easy then and everyone could be there, which was the goal.
I don’t want to get into the nitty gritty but I have brought up the possibility that the kids travel here and it was not received well. I’ll just say that. I don’t even ask about the winter holidays but I’d be ok with 4th of July.
We have one kid who wants Christmas at their house, we have one kid who can’t miss new years with their friends. There are also 2 sets of parents who want to also celebrate Christmas with their children, my kids in laws.
We have 2 in laws who can’t travel. One mother whose mobility is very limited and can’t (won’t) climb stairs.
Both children and their spouses work, one spouse has to take their turn working over the holidays. One of the kids has travel scheduled in December over the past couple of years.
I ask, where can any of them also schedule a trip to the Midwest? It’s hard to even get all of them in the same room and that’s just our nuclear family. I can’t even begin to imagine including grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins.
So we travel, but not over Christmas and not over new years. I don’t know about you but your girl feels a bit put on the back burner.
This thread made me realize that after I had kids I only visited my parents in Missouri once in 25 years! And that is because, while I adored my parents, I intensely disliked Missouri. And traveling with little kids over the holidays is difficult. So they always came to me in NY.
But there weren’t the multiple locations/people issue; my only sibling lived an hour from me.
@deb922 would your family be up to a family vacation…not at the holidays? An all inclusive? Or something like that. I know families who do this but not on the holiday days…another time.
We are going to do that with our kids once the one gets a firmer work schedule and can plan.
This got me thinking about what we did too. Short answer - it was really complicated! Lots of alternating holidays, traveling, and hosting for the first 15 years of our marriage. After that, I kind of put my foot down about xmas and wanting to be at home (D was 6 1/2 at the time). My parents were more than happy to be with us. I think that was the last xmas with the inlaws until both sides were in FL and we started traveling again a few years before Covid.
Interestingly when I was growing up, my grandparents who were a huge part of our lives, were never with us for holidays after I was about 8. There was no falling out, no ill will, but they all moved to FL and no one wanted to travel. We would go see them in January. That’s what we do now with my inlaws.
Similarly to you cinnamon, my brother came home once in 25 years for xmas. Usually he was with his inlaws and then just with his kids/partner. My parents went to them a number of times until it was too difficult for them to travel.
I do love being home for xmas, even if it’s just the three of us. As noted in my first post, I think this is our last year of not having to share and things getting upended again. I’m going to do my best to really enjoy it this year!
Our families lived 5 hours away but 3 miles apart.
Dear friends had families far away but in cities 1000 miles apart.
We each were jealous of the others’ benefits.
We longed to go, and stay put for a visit, not the hard work of bundling up 3 kids to try to make all the holiday events for both sides.
They hated that they missed one family entirely when they went off to spend holidays with the other family.
Now both of their children (and the grandchildren) live in the same city, about 6 miles apart. They bought a small condo nearby.
My first grandchildren are on the opposite coast, the newest will be moving overseas at the end of the year (possibly before Christmas), and the local kid doesn’t have children.
And to complicate things, my MIL is 99 and lives 20 minutes away in Independent Living. She moved here to be near us before my husband, her only child, passed away. So my kids and I are her only relatives.
And my Dad, 94, and my extended family are about 250 miles away.
I (and I’m sure others) would feel like I got put on the back burner too. Your feelings are legit.
Throwing this out there….would anyone consider a nuclear family (you and H, 2 kids, their spouses/kid if possible - or if they can’t that’s ok) do like a long weekend during say MLK in January. I realize that can be a hard time to travel with weather. But maybe just a cozy AIRBNB in an outdoorsy setting In Pennsylvania somewhere that they - or all of you - could drive to? And have it be NOT the grandparents, at all. Because they can’t travel and because I’m wondering if you and your H might enjoy simply some time - maybe 2 nights with the kids. Many people have MLK day off so no vacation days being used.
Just a thought! You don’t have to respond if this is desirable or not.
When D got married I sat down with her and told her a gift we were giving her and SIL is the freedom do do what they choose at Holidays. They were always welcome to come to us, we would go to them, they could go to SIL’s family, or they could choose a quiet holiday at home or traveling. No demands/expectations that any holiday be at our house, no rotating, etc. Same for S (who is single).
Even though my parents and in-laws lived blocks away from each other, there was always stress about the holidays. For Thanksgiving and Christmas we would eat with one family and then visit the other one after dinner. They would still quibble over which house we spent more time in, everybody thought we were rushing dinner to visit the other house. It was a nightmare.
So, even when families are close it can still be impossible to please everybody. I decided that I would be very flexible about holidays and celebrations with my own daughter. We don’t need to celebrate father’s day or a birthday on the actual day, etc
I’m so sorry this is happening. It sounds like your kids aren’t likely to visit you in your / their hometown, but are happy to see you elsewhere. Is that true?
She’s welcoming twin granddaughters this winter and I wonder if things will change after their arrival.