Is it too early to whine about the holidays?

Parent Cafe
41

It just seems very unfair to me. Everyone has expectations of you, but you’re not allowed to have any of them. Everyone wants you to do to X,Y or Z, but isn’t willing to do what you want. It occurs to me that often holidays are much about family obligations, not celebrations, and that’s unfortunate.

Of course, we are all trying to help you solve this, but maybe there is no good solution. So I would ask, if it was only up to you (assuming that husband would go along with anything), what is the #1 thing you would choose to do over the holidays? Likely have everyone to your home, for once, but it sounds like that won’t happen. What is the #2 thing? Would you stay home just the two of you, visit someone, or go on a trip? Do you feel you have the freedom to do what you actually want instead of what whomever guilts you most to do? Maybe you could take a stand on this and they won’t keep taking you for granted? That sounds silly as soon as I typed it out.:see_no_evil: People don’t change.

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42

“It occurs to me that often holidays are much about family obligations, not celebrations, and that’s unfortunate.”. That is so true, that describes my family, and it generally centered around my dad’s family (never my moms, who we barely ever saw). When I was growing up we pretty much had family holidays at home, mom/dad/my siblings, but as time went on there was this crazy thing about family events and such as we grew up into adulthood , it was almost an obsession on my dad’s part. I understand it, he was the oldest child , 9 years older than the next kid, and he pretty much did a lot raising his brothers (my dad would be turning 102 this month). But that is the dynamic I grew up with.

When I got into therapy for a variety of things, including a very ugly situation in my birth family, I realized just how much pressure there was on me (and my wife, when we got together) to kowtow to all this crap. If we wanted a quiet holiday at home, we were treated like we were ungrateful or something, it was crazy. My therapist used to say she had a practice full of bright people that she spent months after the holidays patching them together.

I ended up estranged from my family over a variety of things, and honestly the stress of the holidays was replaced with peace. I do envy people who have family where they want to get together, they like each others, the kids aren’t in tension with each other, but seeing the reality of what family stuff did to myself and my wife, and quite frankly what it did to my family growing up and my mom, if it is toxic there is no obligation.

I realize it is a hard situation and it is easy to say “you have to do what you need to do”, but I also remember agonizing in therapy about how to say no to my own family. It is easy to say what is the worse that will happen, you aren’t committing a crime, but I also know what can be drilled into people by parents and family that makes it seem like you are committing a crime by saying no. All I can tell people is despite the terror in my belly, the world didn’t end when my family decided to exile me, and in the end you have to do what you want too. As @busdriver11 said, a family relationship where your desires aren’t taken into consideration isn’t a relationship, it is an obligation, it is what my therapist would call trying to play tennis by yourself:).

My wife and I are very different people because of the work we did. Our son (who is single, so none of that complication) comes home when he can, but as a working classical chamber musician it isn’t always possible because of their schedule. If he can’t make thanksgiving, that is fine, there have been times when he could only come for dinner then had to fly out. He has missed Christmas with us, and other holidays like Easter we never have together because of his life, but we understand that. Thing is we enjoy the time we have together and there just isn’t the pressure there on him. Several times in recent years he had to cancel coming home because the had an important date to play.

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43

Sometimes you just have to be selfish, and forget about everybody else. Take a trip over Christmas, just you and your husband and have a great time!

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44

My mom always told us that Christmas is whenever you are home. My immediate and extended family has floated so many holidays over the years, and we continue to do that.

My oldest is a nurse, so the holidays are always iffy. This year, she lives out of state and probably won’t be home until after New Year’s. Thankfully my second is still on her college break so we will celebrate then. My oldest is getting married next year, but also might move closer depending on where her fiancee is assigned for med school clinicals.

Speaking of that second child, she is moving several states away after graduation for a job. It’s the same thing - come home when you can, and we will figure things out.

There are no grandchildren in the mix, though.

In the meantime, I’m not putting up a Christmas tree, which is freeing. I’m going to do a pretty mantle and that’s it.

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45

Thanks for all the kind and generous and helpful responses.

Lots of food for thought.

I will say that those holidays during the pandemic. When I said no to everyone. We were staying home, that holiday season was very peaceful. Not without conflict from those who wanted us to celebrate with them. But personally ok.

Last thanksgiving on a cruise ship was amazing. A kid was mad that expressed how I felt. Nothing changed and now we are back to square one.

I do feel guilty that I shouldn’t want to move heaven and earth to make a holiday for others.

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46

If your kids are fully fledged adults, then it might be time for them to start moving heaven and earth to make things happen.
I guess it depends on everyone’s relative ages though.

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47

Can/would your kids join you on a similar holiday cruiseship event ? Or even a non-holiday one? Maybe that would be a relatively stress-reduced way to manage things?

Some of the 3-4 day cruises are fairly inexpensive.:blush:

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48

I understand that people are being so nice to suggest solutions and be supportive.

I have asked if they would visit. I have strongly encouraged them to visit their grandparents.

I have talked about a cruise. I was told that one spouse would never do that. And that child was very angry that we would suggest it.

I really think and I don’t say this lightly that both of my children have married people who want things their way. I do think my kids have to compromise a lot. I think it’s difficult for my kids and I think that their parents (us) get the short straw.

I don’t want to be that difficult in law. So my husband and I keep our mouths shut and do what the kids want.

This is why I’m venting here and not to the kids.

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49

I’m glad you had a great Thanksgiving last year.

It’s not up to you to make everyone happy. For one, it’s impossible. You can’t be everywhere at once. And is there anyone concerned if YOU are happy? It sounds like the answer is no. So my response was going to be along the lines of @busdriver11

Obviously, you can’t have what you want this year. I think it’s late for that. What is your #2 option? Can that be done. I think if it were me, I’d visit the elderly relatively sometime during the holidays - not necessarily ON the holidays - because they are getting up there in age. But then for the holidays, do what you would like the best. I don’t suppose there’s a cool place to visit somewhat near your kids where you could breeze in for a day to “celebrate,” but then do something fun for you/H for the bulk of the time? Whatever it is, I think it is your choice. Don’t let others guilt you into things.

And then next year… say in February when things have settled… announce that you don’t want any birthday or mother’s day gifts. You want both kids/spouses to come to YOUR house for (pick holiday). Give them LOTS of time to know that you want. It doesn’t have to be every year, but that next year needs to be the Year of Mom. You should get one year.

And if by chance, they balk and won’t come… pick a vacation of your choice and go do it. And let THEM know how disappointed YOU are.

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50

I know that everyone is being so nice. I’ve done that.

So now I get no presents and no visits.

The solution is to meet at the kids with the granddaughter. It’s 500 miles away. That’s the kids idea of compromise

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51

I’m so sorry how things are working out for you. I guess the silver lining is that there is one place to gather that seems acceptable to all, even if you and your DH have to bear the brunt of the traveling.

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52

omg. this is me, sending you comfort food for the holiday – what a hill you have to climb on this.

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53

Both of us no longer have living parents and we aren’t close to our siblings. So having Christmas with just the four of us has been our tradition.

Earlier this year, my oldest told us they were going to start alternating Christmas between us and her SOs parents. The thing is, her SO and his entire family live in the same town. They see each other ALL the time! My daughter told me she was coming home this year and bringing her SO which we are fine with. We told her we were very much looking forward to him joining.

But, then later, I’m thinking, why can’t she still come home every year? We’d be happy to move the celebration to another day so that they could still spend Christmas with her SOs big family. They are both teachers and have at least a week off plus have all summer off. I’m going to approach her with that suggestion, but she’s my prickly one and she’s very entrenched in her new town with her new friends and family. She’s got a mindset that
MA is entirely superior to VA, especially SWVA. My husband retired a couple of years ago ant the end of December and he wanted to go on a retirement trip, so we chose Costa Rica. My youngest was with us for her month long college break so she was going also. I talked my head off with my oldest trying to convince her to go with us over her Christmas break. Nope, she wouldn’t do it. She’d have had to take one day off work (not a problem) plus she had a New Year’s party planned with her friends. :thinking: Let’s see, a paid trip to Costa Rica or a one night party with friends you see ALL the time! Have it the next weekend and pretend it’s New Years! Or celebrate the Chinese New Year since YOU’RE CHINESE! Nope, she wouldn’t hear of it. She did the same when we went on a cruise to celebrate my youngest’s college graduation. We said we go when she could go in the summer, but she waffled so much we finally booked a 10 day cruise to Iceland, Norway, Amsterdam, Belgium, and London without her. We had a great time with our youngest and her boyfriend and I know my oldest and hers would have too. So stubborn!

Last year, during Christmas, my husband was dealing with an infected leg from a mohs procedure behind his knee. He didn’t tell us how bad it was until after we unwrapped our presents then he immediately got on the phone and yelled at the answering service that he was in intense pain and he needed some help! (He’d been for a follow up a few days before where he’d voiced concern, but they said it looked fine). They gave him a script for antibiotics. The night before my daughter was leaving, I finally took a good look at my husband’s leg and was appalled (he’d kept it covered with bandages and has had several mohs procedures so I didn’t hover). I made him go to the ER where they admitted him. My daughter got on a plane and went home the next day. He spent three days in the ER with his entire leg bright red and swelled up almost twice its size. They eventually found the right antibiotic, but it could have ended very badly. I didn’t tell either of my daughters that, but I feel my oldest should have shown more concern instead of running back to her boyfriend.

Thanks for letting me hijack your vent to vent.

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54

My old boss always had Christmas in July. They would decorate with all the goodies, wrap the presents, have the tree up, fix Christmas dinner. Everyone was invited.

He had a few kids with differing schedules, grandchildren etc and nobody could ever get anything together. So he just “moved Christmas” and it seemed to work wonderfully. Put it around Fourth of July so people had some extra days. All his kids and grandkids landed at his house in July and were free to go anywhere else for Thanksgiving and Christmas with their spouses. He and his wife always planned a vacation for the holidays

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No, thank you! I appreciate so much what you said and know that you are not alone!

Sometimes you feel that your child is the only one who behaves in a manner that confounds you. But that’s not the case.

And that is what I love about CC. That we can support each other and find out that we have shared experiences.

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56

Wow, this sounds like my idea of heaven. I find travel around the holidays to be so stressful, with packed airports on one hand and icy roads on the other…and then all the competing demands.

Summer is so much better without any school pressures, and with long beautiful days. I will have to keep the Christmas in July idea in mind if my kids ever have families of their own. Thanks.

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57

I’ve posted this before- but the first family celebration with my siblings, extended family, kids, etc. after Covid turned out to be July 4th (not a holiday we had ever “celebrated” together) at a nephew’s house outside with takeout Indian food (solved the vegan/vegetarian problem for anyone who had to cook) and a joint cleanup afterwards.

I still cry when I think about it. It had to stand-in for several “missing” holidays, a few weddings, new babies, two engagement parties and showers, etc. And it was magical. Everyone was vaccinated (including the little ones), it was outside since Covid was still raging but not as bad, and our appreciation for each other after not being together for so long was off the charts. The kids chased each other around, spritzed each other with those water pumping things, and it was a NO GIFT affair which made everyone happy.

I say- declare Christmas the first weekend in March, find a cheap motel that minimizes the amount of travel for anyone with small kids, reserve the “meeting room” for a big family dinner and call a local restaurant and ask them to cater. Or pick a date that works better for everyone (or almost everyone). You’ll never get 100% attendance (one niece was too pregnant to travel for our July 4th) but even a partial reunion is better than none.

And do whatever the heck you want on Thanksgiving and Xmas. Time to accept that the mythic holidays of the songs, women’s magazines, etc. were just that-myths. You think people were traveling a thousand miles for Thanksgiving weekend during the Depression? Every family had someone deployed during WWII (and often several someone’s). Many families had nurses, doctors, EMT’s who couldn’t get the day off-- and they accepted with a resigned shrug that not everyone could be home.

We can’t buy into the myth if it doesn’t work for our particular situations!

My synagogue cooks, serves and cleans up meals at a local homeless shelter on Thanksgiving and Xmas. It’s so popular (not just with our members- but with the broader community) that we now drop off food (aren’t allowed to serve it) at the local hospital’s ER for employees (who used to eat granola bars and Cheetos from the vending machines since the employee cafeteria has truncated hours on the holidays) and the local volunteer fire stations.

It’s a big deal. The volunteers love it (and nobody asks “Why are you here instead of basking in the adoration of your family?”) and the people who are unlucky enough to need the meal (circumstances, volunteering to work so your co-worker with a dying parent can have the day off to be home, etc.) act like it’s a miracle to have volunteers show up. The camaraderie is indescribable.

So enjoy your family on a weekend with fewer complications… and figure out something life-affirming (a vacation, volunteering, sitting home with needlepoint and a martini!) to do on your own!!! You can do this!!!

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58

Whine away! It’s a safe place to express your feelings.
I think when our kids were growing up we always tried to accommodate our “elders”. We were pretzels who went and did what the grandparents wanted. Our kids aren’t the same. They want to be together but it’s much more on their terms.
I have a friend who wanted to move near one of their daughters. Her husband didn’t want to move. They bought a duplex near the daughter and would go visit. She always stayed longer. Eventually she told her husband I’m moving. He stayed here.

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I guess I got used to the kids being away for holidays a long time ago. We moved when my kids were starting hs, and they wanted to be with their friends and cousins, so almost always returned to my parents’ home for Christmas, and sometimes for Thanksgiving. I didn’t have the time off so they went without me. One year we went on a cruise. One year in college my daughter’s BF came but he had to return home before Christmas because his grandfather died. This year that daughter is playing in a tournament in Australia so they will probably leave just before/after Christmas and not return until mid-Jan. The other daughter is getting married and has already said she won’t be here for Thanksgiving or Christmas (I think she’s exhausted).

Plan your own fun - a cruise, a holiday trip to one of those Hallmark movie cities with cute gingerbread men and ice skating on every block and cocoa every 5 minutes. My sister’s family always travels for Thanksgiving because she was (until this year) a teacher and had that week off. They’d go to London or Paris or Rome (no thanksgiving) or San Diego. Their kids are usually happy to go too and even the significant others were willing to blow off their families to go on a fun vacation. Her son and his girlfriend usually split Christmas with each being with their families for Christmas day (poor kids had to decided between Vail and skiing at Cooper) but now are married and I bet will want to be together. Her daughter always seems to be able to WFH (or a lovely ski resort) for several weeks around the holidays. Not everyone is so lucky.

I don’t have grandchildren so maybe it is easier for me to just blow off the holidays, but I’m not even disappointed anymore. Used to be, but I realized it isn’t going to change.

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60

THIS!!!

My mil who had her children do what she wanted has found out that the grandchildren aren’t the same. Add to that a son who is divorced, kids having to split time and now spouses. Christmas is not the big extended celebration that it was. She’s not happy, but it’s not something that can change.

I do appreciate all the suggestions to plan a big trip (that I’m thinking we need to pay for) as a way of enticing our children to spend time with us. We are not that flush with cash and my husband is not on board with paying for it.

Does that make anyone uncomfortable that apparently now to get our kids to spend time with us that we have to fund that also? Kids who we paid for their college, who make more than we ever did. Who live in nicer houses, drive nicer cars and go on many nice vacations without us.

After college and the wedding. Funding the college fund for the grandchild. We are tapped out.

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