1000x this. 
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Not uncomfortable, but highly irritated. Yeah, you could probably get them to go with you guys somewhere if you paid for it, and made it a trip that their spouses would want (because it sounds like they are in the driver’s seat), but it’s not worth digging deep into retirement funds, particularly when it sounds like they’re all well off. I don’t know how you can stop people from taking you for granted and putting you on the back burner.
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There is no reason to apologize for being “tapped out”- or for something just not to be in the budget this year (or ever). So crowdsource- ask for suggestions from anyone you’d like to see more of/celebrate with of budget-friendly ways to get together. It is often surprising what people come up with when asked. My friends who assumed that the only way to “compete” with the in-laws involved plane tickets and resorts and exclusive restaurants discovered that the kids wanted “Take me out to the ballgame” as the reason/activity to get together from far flung locations. Bleacher seats, grandma treated everyone to popcorn (and beer for the parents if they wanted) and some hilarious photos of the grandkids waiting on line to get their t-shirts signed. BBQ back at grandma’s house afterwards. Don’t let the money stand in the way of spending time with people you love. Think of our grandparents (or the non-affluent/new immigrant family members or whatever role models you had growing up). Their expectations were modest, their resources were sometimes non-existent, and somehow they made it work.
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I hear you, but if having family time with your kids is important to you (as it is for most of us!), could you cut back on the college fund for the grandchild for a year or two in order to fund a get together that would make you happy? After all, if your kids are well off, perhaps they can fund the 529 without you and this way you get to use your money for something that is important to you.
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I don’t think so. You can invite them to your nice home in the nice summer time. If they don’t want to come, they won’t come. If it is fun and a way for them to see their siblings and cousins, they’ll want to come.
I think you should ask your kids to come sometime in the summer, tell them that you’d like them to see their grandparents (or whoever) and ask when they’d like to do it. If they say no, then you have your answer and can decide if you’d like to only see them on their terms or if you want to make your own plans.
My sister always invited us over to her house on Christmas for brunch. They were usually still opening presents as her kids got tons and tons of gifts. That wasn’t working for my kids who had received 3-6 gifts and were hurt that Santa brought so many more for their same aged cousins. So we either didn’t go or went much later. You have to make choices and sometimes it hurts to make a choice where you are missing some fun.
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The wedding was this year. The other kid funded their own wedding so we gifted them an equal amount for the granddaughter’s college fund.
We’ve gone on no other vacations other than to wedding events this year.
Next year we have budgeted for some much needed renovations that we’ve put off while we paid off college.
One kid, besides the honeymoon that was quite lavish, has gone on I think 5 or 6 extended weekends that they’ve flown to. Renovated their bathroom, bought new living room and dining room furniture from West Elm. Completely redid the roof top deck. I think they might have also bought a new car. Maybe they bought it late last year. And put a new roof on the townhouse.
I do appreciate all the suggestions. I do think they are lovely. We just aren’t in that position.
I have asked my kids to come in the summer. One came last year. The first time in 5 years.
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Is the kid who is doing all the traveling the one who just completed cancer treatment? If so, is she maybe trying to cram in all sorts of fun experiences that she thinks she missed out on because of the treatment?
And, of course, young adults who suddenly have good finances may be trying to make up for lost time due to Covid as well.
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I have been reading this thread with interest. In some ways we are in the same position, minus the grandkid part.
We also do not have the money to do a lot of travelling and I am not sure I would want to offer a paid by us vacation to the kids even if we did have the money.
I think it is important to keep lines of honest communication open. To tell the kids what is important to me and why and to tell them what I can or can not do as well as what I will and won’t do. They can like it or not as they want. It is not always my job to keep everyone happy. My highest priorities at this point in my life are to myself and my husband. My kids priorities are to themselves, their spouses and any minor kids.
My kids are not required to like what I say and the choices I make, just like I will not always like what they decide.
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Not to get too into the weeds but my and my husband’s feeling is that the travel is what the husband wants.
The cancer patient is utterly exhausted from working full time and her treatment plan. I think she would like nothing better than stay home and cuddle with her dog. That’s why we feel bad and go there. Which we have plenty.
I guess I got a little riled up. I think she’s doing the best she can.
I do get a little hurt that I’m being told that it’s too expensive to fly to Michigan or that her treatments are so exhausting when they are going many other places.
I’m not without sympathy. I’m just sad that holidays are so fractured. I feel like this thread has got away from me. And I’m sorry
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Man, I feel ya. And I’m mad/sad on your behalf.
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The other kid spent our last phone call talking about how exhausting it is to travel with a toddler. How they won’t be traveling much for a while.
But then mentioned how they went to her mom’s to see her grandpa before he went back to Florida.
The granddaughter has never been to my house, she’s 2 and half. They didn’t go to the sister’s wedding. They went to my dil’s cousins wedding 2 weeks later.
We were in agreement not to go to the destination wedding so I’m not faulting that. It would have been difficult.
THAT is what makes me the most angry on your behalf!
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This isn’t helpful to you but know that talking about your situation makes me feel better about my own. And probably is helpful to others as well.
Today, ds1 called. He and DIL are going to be in town in two weeks for a wedding for a HS friend. Yea, right?! Then he proceeds to tell me how they are going to be going out the whole time they are here, but, hey, he’s also telling all his friends that our home will be Wedding Central for Ubers and parking and such because we are only about 20 minutes from the venue and parking is limited and, of course, they want to drive one of our cars the whole time they are here. And that’s after we pick them up at the airport. 
Kids. Whatever. I truly don’t mind any of what I just wrote. I’m thrilled that he loves coming home so much, even if it’s mainly to see friends and not us. But asking for a morning for breakfast or something feels like I’ll be imposing, for sure.
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I have more luck with a “Hey, let’s talk about what would be convenient for you guys so we can spend time together” vs. an actual and specific ask. Probably because MY mother was so inflexible about “what counts” as a visit (dragging the kids to her house to sleep over for multiple days, complaining when the kids altered the sleeping arrangements, complaining about how many meals and snacks they consume-- this counted) vs. meeting somewhere in the middle at a location (aquarium, children’s museum, etc. which we could all drive to, enjoy the day, and then drive home without requiring an overnight did NOT count even though I suggested it many times).
Sending hugs. This is hurtful and challenging for sure- but it sounds like you’ve got some options for changing the dynamic before the toddler is old enough to wonder, “hey, why don’t I see those people very often?”
I know everyone has been so nice. Really
I’ve asked vaguely, I’ve asked specifically, I feel that I’ve tried. They do not want to come here.
For instance I asked the big kids to come when their sister was here a year ago. Baby was sick so they canceled. I understand but no attempt to try and reschedule.
I guess I thought they would notice that they go to her mom’s and never his mom’s
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I remember traveling with a toddler. It sucked. But I still did it… frequently. That’s what you do when your parents, siblings, grandparents are in different parts of the country.
I hope your kids start remembering that their relationship with you should be a priority.
Sending more hugs!
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You sound like you really don’t mind any of this. But I bet it would be nice to be ASKED first before the expected “yes”.
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I only had to travel by car (about 3-4 hours) to visit my parents with kids. But they were so happy to see me and kids that it felt like a wonderful vacation. My mom babysat while I went out on a “date” with my dad to the movies. That was so memorable and special for me–I’ll never forget it.
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I do want to add, however be never wanted to be that mom, who badgered her kids to visit.
My mil does that. Begins and ends every conversation asking when are we going to visit. To whom, it was never enough. And who thought the road went in one direction.
I don’t and didn’t want that.
I have asked but I’ve also been very willing to go there. Very willing. But I guess I thought that it would be more of a give and take. Seems like just a take.
It’s also hard to see the kids celebrate every holiday with their in laws. We get the weeks around the holiday. Maybe thanksgiving because one spouse works that holiday.
We even brought the in laws and my mom flew to the kids. That stopped after my in laws really couldn’t climb stairs and my mom fell at each kids house. The second time she went to the hospital and rehab.
That’s one of the reasons I’ve brought up to the kids. They love their grandparents, but they can’t go there any more. That if they want to see their grandparents, they have to come here.
I mostly started this because again we are going there. One kid hasn’t committed to go to their siblings house yet. Probably won’t until forced to make a decision. Which I’m guessing won’t be us. Which is fine. We will be traveling to their house also, the weekend before the holiday.
And because my feelings are hurt that one kid is going to Colorado to see the colors. That hurts. I know it was the husband who decided the trip and paid for it. But it still hurts.
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Exactly. But you know what? We expect some of the same things when we visit them – pick us up at the airport, to stay with them in their plenty-big home and to use one of their cars (although their neighborhood is really walkable so I don’t really use their car much). The biggest difference is that we are there to see them, not as a place to crash while we do other things with other people. But that’s the flip side of the coin of still being in his hometown – he gets here maybe twice a year if we’re lucky (and compared to OP we are!) so when he’s here he wants to see all his old friends and go to all his old haunts and not spend 24/7 with us. I get it.
I’ve been trying to get them to do a specific thing with us, which involves traveling to another city about an hour away, for several years now and always have been told “that it’s not a priority.” Well, this year I am going to make it a priority! Wish me luck!
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