<p>We have unfortunately allowed ourselves to wallow in bitterness and negativity for the past few years, and can see the effects in the negativity of our high-schooler. We know we should try to improve our own attitudes and actions to see if that will improve the situation, but I’m worried that it may be too late?
But I suppose, if it’s not too late for old geezers like myself and my husband, why would it be too late for a 15-year-old? Does anybody have any experience with turning a mildly bad family situation like this around?</p>
<p>Please describe the bahavior you want to improve. Is it just negativity?</p>
<p>Not too late at all! You might want to look at books like Steven Covey’s The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Teens and The 6 Most Important Decisions You’ll Ever Make: A Guide for Teens. The 2nd book includes a section on building & maintaining positive relationships with parents. There’s lots of info about them on websites like Amazon and Goodreads. If these 2 aren’t your style there are lots of other options.</p>
<p>The worst thing you can do is nothing. Changing your attitudes and actions for the better can certainly make a positive impression and will be good for you. Your teen may be rebellious and not want to change or seem to but your good example will be there. Please don’t become religious about it and try to “convert” your son to your newfound way of thinking. Be subtle, and do discuss your realizations and change of attitude. I’ll bet your child is aware of the change from years prior to the negativity and will be relieved to go back to happier times at home. S/he may want to help the family in this- or be resentful and sabotage your efforts now. Go for it!</p>
<p>Can you sign the lot of you up for some formal family counseling? If might be helpful to have an outsider keeping track of your progress, rather than just trying to power through this change on your own.</p>
<p>Well, it’s been a bitter and negative few years for a lot of people. Massive recession will do that. A nasty battle for the presidency isn’t helping matters. </p>
<p>I would suggest that a serious conversation about why you’ve been negative and why you’d like to be more positive begins the changes you want. I don’t think subtlety is worthwhile here. Go for the all-out assault on your own attitudes and ask for your son’s help in it.</p>
<p>It sounds terribly trite and silly, but I would then schedule a time of day for all of you to find something to be positive about. Then write one thing down, on a sticky note, and put it somewhere you’ll see it until it’s time for the next thing.</p>
<p>Yep, it’s ridiculous, but there’s nothing like the ridiculous to make a point, make you laugh, and make you look at things a bit differently.</p>
<p>(I have two such statements on sticky notes in my office today. One says “ripe Brandywines (tomatoes) for lunch!” (they’re from my garden); the other says “clean sheets on the bed!”)</p>
<p>Thank you all for your replies. I was depressed and panicky when I posted.</p>
<p>crepes: I will definitely look up those two titles.</p>
<p>wis75 and dmd77: I’ve combined your two approaches and mentioned lightly to my kid that we would be trying to be more positive without being evangelical about it. Now I have to back up my words with actions! And dmd, I’ve definitely trying to think of positives. It’s true this recession has me really scouring my mind for them…</p>
<p>happymom: I would love to try counseling, but the other two are dead set against it. We’ll have to see how we can change on our own, I’m afraid.</p>
<p>If the others won’t go, maybe you could. It might give you a chance to be all negative about THEM if you feel like it, but in a safe, far-away place.</p>
<p>Along the positive-thought-sticky-note line, my sister insists that my niece say two positive things before complaining about something. It really is remarkable how this has slowed down N’s crankiness.</p>
<p>Without being too syrupy, I think preventing myself from entertaining negative thoughts or comments has made me feel better about work at least.</p>
<p>When my husband is stressed about business , he tends to snap at me…and sometimes I see myself doing the same to our daughter.
I agree with dmd77 , the last few years have been tough for so many in this country. I know as small business owners , it has for us and it clearly impacts our family when dad is worried and stressed out.
I am kind of burned out right now with my work , which will be shifting and giving me a lot more free time ( like normal people have ) very soon
Just last night , when the entire eastern seaboard was in the line of strong storms , I was really hoping that I would not have to work because it would rain today…I was actually mad at the meteorologists for screwing up the forecast .</p>
<p>I then tried really hard to stop my pity party and find something positive to focus on for my day…this is an exercise I use often and try to encourage others close to me to do to put things in perspective </p>
<p>It’s hard on our kids when there is a lot of stress in the home , no doubt</p>
<p>How about asking your child to help you be less negative? </p>
<p>You seem to have already pointed out that you feel there is too much negativity in your family. Maybe your kid could help you decrease yours by giving you reminders when you act in a way that seems inappropriately negative. </p>
<p>And if you react positively to such reminders (by recasting what you were saying in a more neutral or positive way, for example), then a few months down the line, your kid might be willing to let you do the same thing for him/her. And even if your kid is not willing to do that, helping you change your habits might have some educational value because it means spotting counterproductive attitudes, and spotting them is the first step toward correcting them.</p>
<p>Besides, criticizing your parent and getting away with it is great fun when you’re a teenager.</p>
<p>I know that our family is not typical but here are some things that we do to promote family harmony, healthy positive attitudes and gratitude. Family dinners at least 3-4 times a week to share good news with each other; laugh together often (we like to watch bad movies on Syfy or the Comedy Channel); volunteer in the community together (shelter for homeless families or the animal shelter); attend worship services and pray together as a family. I try to help my kids (and foster kids in the past) to cultivate positive attitudes by seeing the blessings in their lives instead of the curses. If there is a real problem, we help them come up with reasonable solutions or coping skills rather than just letting them complain. Communication and connectedness is the key to everything.</p>
<p>We did a variation of a “gratitude journal” when my D & I were in some struggles. Each night before bed we wrote out 10 things we’d been grateful for during that day and then took turns sharing them. Sometimes things were so tense they included things like, “I woke up this morning” (the closest we could come to being “grateful” about anything!). I have to say, after a few months she started looking for those few minutes to connect. That was several years go, and I would say that (mostly) we BOTH have better attitudes!</p>
<p>Family harmony may not mean family togetherness, especially for teens who are trying to assert their sense of self apart from their family. You can’t (and shouldn’t attempt to)force teens to participate or do anything- it has to be someting they want to do.</p>
<p>Considering your son is still a minor and you’ve admitted you and your spouse are partial causes of your son’s negativity through your own attitudes, the best things for you both to do for starters is to take the lead by MODELING positive attitudes and behavior in your actions…regardless of your son’s reactions. </p>
<p>After all, you are the parents and admitted partial causes of his negativity. You both need to be the ones to take the lead to fix it. </p>
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<p>Considering that the parents…including the OP admitted they are one of the causes…this may actually be counterproductive. </p>
<p>Moreover, it may be viewed by the son not only as a sign the parents are avoiding acknowledging their part in the causes, but also attempting to foist some/all of the responsibility for fixing this issue on his shoulders. </p>
<p>In that light, it wouldn’t surprise me if he felt these actions are unfair, hypocritical and an attempt to make him mostly/completely responsible for issues that his parents partially/mostly caused…especially considering parents have far greater power/leadership responsibility in the parent-child relationship at the son’s current age. </p>
<p>In addition, it may be expecting a lot depending on his level of emotional maturity. Most 15 year olds…especially boys haven’t fully developed their emotional maturity and capacity to the point they can act in the counselor/therapist role for friends/family. </p>
<p>Heck, speaking as a thirty-something male looking back, talking about feelings was strongly frowned upon among in most male friendships/hanging outs during our teen years. Only exception to this rule was if you found an “older brother” figure willing to serve in the mentoring role like I found in some older HS friends and an older post-college roommate. </p>
<p>By the same token, I’ve also tried to serve as an “older brother” figure for younger…and even some older friends who needed some emotional counseling during difficult times. </p>
<p>However, I’ve never had to play this role until I was an 18+ year old sophomore in undergrad and beyond. Being among the youngest in my graduating class did help in that regard. I’d doubt I’d have the emotional maturity and capacity to serve as an emotional counselor/helper to peers…much less parents at 15.</p>