Whoa! Hold on there! Your posts come across as if you do all her thinking and feeling for her.
Yikes! Let her think for herself. I have an inkling that if you always “know” what she wants, that she might really know herself very well. She never had to because you know her FOR her.
My advice: Step away from the research. She is only just now starting her junior year. Let her take the lead. If she knows you will step in and take over, she will never do it.
Also, you should consider that most people who major in theater do not necessarily pursue acting or other types of performing as a career. You can do many things with an BFA: Arts management, sales, human resources, corporate training, advertising, public relations, media management – just to name a few.
“my wife and I have been spending untold hours researching colleges that we feel fit her personality and scholastic abilities. We think we have it all figured out- what major (based on what she excels in, science and math)”
I think your efforts would be better directed trying to help her figure out what she wants. Help her research career paths for people interested in the arts and learn what current employment prospects are. Plenty of people excel in things they don’t care to pursue. My daughter also excels in science and math, but I wouldn’t dream of pushing her into a STEM career just because she’s good at STEM and her plan to write novels is a hard way to make money. Instead, I told her that she should have a backup plan if the writing thing doesn’t work out.
I think it’s fine for you to put a list together - but as she develops opinions I hope you are open to them. I probably tossed around 20 colleges at my kids and asked them to take a look and tell me what they liked and didn’t like. But even junior fall is alittle early IMO. Junior spring is when the kids really lock and load. Use the fall to do the rough cut - big vs. small, rural vs. urban…most kids have formed opinions about those sorts of broad rough cuts and then start listening to HER as she moves into the junior spring. If she was serious about theater that’s a whole 'nother can of worms because alot of the best programs are audition programs and the kids end up where they get accepted but there is a forum specifically for theater types.
Every high school has a “visiting” culture. We started looking at schools in August before junior year. We were hardly alone in our travels. My friends from other towns scoffed at how early we started and said it was absurd. Looking back, I am so glad we started when we did and I’m now embarking on the process again. Life gets in the way of these campus visits. Junior year is chock full of activity and it can be very hard to fit in all the tours that you may want to go on. Some people don’t go until their child gets an acceptance, but my kid knew she wanted to apply early decision and touring early helped her pare down her list. Many parents get involved in helping their kids cultivate a list of schools. You see so many cries for help on CC from students who have parents that are completely oblivious to the process or just don’t have the time. Don’t let anyone on this board make you feel badly about your interest in your daughters education. My concern would be if once you start the process, your daughter remains completely apathetic to the process. If after a few tours she is not an active opinionated participant, touring will be a waste of time and money. I do feel that it should be what she wants and not what you want. But you can at least show her what you want and she may become more open to your suggestions. This is just my opinion, there is no right or wrong answer.
You picked out her major???
Yeah, that’s the only concern I would have, how can you make her pick a major you like but she has no interest in?
If she is interested in theater, and you want her to go STEM, at least find schools that have both.
Start of junior year is too early unless she is a recruited athlete.
It would be wise for you to have her ask around her theater friends which theater programs the recent graduates went to. Have her talk to her directors about it.
The best you can do is convince her that it is easier to have theater as a hobby, and science as a job. I believe there are some theater threads on CC that mention schools where you can act in plays or musicals, but can be a theater minor not major. My son is pursuing a music minor and he will have access to many performing groups that way. While getting the big money major 
(yes, maybe a case of onlychild-itis is coming to a head)
As a parent, your priority is to figure out the financing part. Check net price calculators on college websites. Then clearly tell her the cost constraints before her senior year.
Let her concentrate on school, PSAT, SAT, ACT now, and develop her major and college interests over this year.
Also, not all science majors have high pay job prospects.
To answer the title of the thread, in my house it is what SHE wants and what SHE can convince US to invest in.
This thread makes my stomach hurt.
Well…I am an only child and managed just fine to share a dorm room many eons ago. To be frank, most only children benefit from this experience.
I think researching schools and arranging visits is OK, but you should concentrate on visiting different types of schools: LACs, Universities, Women’s Colleges, urban vs rural, etc. rather than focusing on THE LIST.
@mathyone makes a good point here.
People’s natural talents don’t always match their interests.
My son is a natural writer. He excelled in English in school and struggled with math. He decided to major in computer science in college – a waste of his natural talents, some might say. But it’s what he loves. He’s now writing code for a Silicon Valley startup and he’s one of those rare people who truly like their work.
“But we know someday she would want a big house with a big yard and I think deep down she realizes if she follows the theater route as a career and even gets lucky she will probably end up in NYC sharing a small apartment and waiting on tables during the day.”
Why do you think that you kid can’t have the whole white-picket-fence thing one day if she wants to? Pursuing a theater career does not automatically close that particular door.
My very dear friend spent many years in tiny apartments in NYC, and worked all kinds of interesting random jobs in between acting jobs on and off Broadway. When her kid came along, she moved closer to the grandparents, got an office administration job, bought a house, went to grad school in a non-theater field, and landed a terrific job in that field. She has no regrets.
There are schools that have dorms with private rooms. My kids’ undergrad has about 3000 single bedroom dorm rooms.
Private room dorm rooms have become more common.
Most only children do just fine in dorming situations.
I am really baffled as to how someone thinks they can basically plan the entire lives of their children…
I agree with @txstella that it’s fine to show her examples of types: LAC vs. University, rural vs. urban, women’s vs. coed etc. That’s what we did during our D’s junior year. At first she was resistant, but by late spring of her junior year she started to focus more. For a long time she just had a list of No’s. No Ivy League, no place humid, no schools in the South, no big frat culture, no huge public universities. Not all of her “no’s” were rational to me (I kept pushing Rice but got nowhere), but it was progress. By late spring, early summer before senior year she had focused in on several LAC’s and a few universities.
As for majors, I just got back from Move In Day at D’s school. They had some panel discussions for parents, and at one the parents asked about faculty advisors. One of the faculty panelists said part of his job as an advisor is to help his students figure out how to tell their parents that they’re not going to major in the field that the parent wants.
You asked so I’ll give my opinion.
At this point…this is what YOU want…not what your daughter may want. Right now, you have done the research. You have picked the schools. You have even picked her major.
Please remember something…your daughter is going to college, not you.
I hope these first college visits are so your daughter can get a feel for the TYPES of colleges that are out there…and not to spark an interest in one of these schools because you happen to think it’s terrific for her.
At this point, she hasn’t even taken the PSAT (the one that counts for NM status) or the SAT or ACT. Neither you, nor your daughter really knows what schools are suitable in terms of her academic standing.
AND if she chooses the BFA route, her audition will matter more than anything else.
I think it’s fine that you are giving her some initial suggestions…but I hope you let HER be the one who ultimately leads the college search…because she is the one who will be going.
ETA…my DH worked as a theater techie for almost ten years before he went back to college. He earned a terrific living freelancing in NYC. We have a nice, big house on a large plot of land. And now we just do theater for fun (although we haven’t done that recent either).
No regrets here either.
And further…
DD got a degree in engineering. NEVER wants to be an engineer. Learned that while completing her major,
DS was a music performance major who is making his living doing music.
My BIL majored in theater, as did his wife. He did spend his time in a small apartment in NYC while waiting tables. He holds at least one Canadian “Tony” award, and has a nice house with a yard…He’s not an “A” lister, but you’ve probably seen him in movies or on TV. His wife does set design and is sought after all over the world. There are worse things to major in. Stop planning your kid’s life. She will grow to resent you.
If you spend any time on the musical theatre and theatre forums, you’ll realize that many majoring in performance arts are intelligent, successful at school, and have interests outside of theatre (including my daughter). Besides, there are a plethora of benefits to studying theatre. These intelligent, creative, deep-thinking, interesting people realize this and pursue it.
Theater majors also go to medical school. Major in theater and take the med school prereqs. The med schools would LOVE that.