Our daughter is about to enter Junior Year of High School, and my wife and I have been spending untold hours researching colleges that we feel fit her personality and scholastic abilities. We think we have it all figured out- what major (based on what she excels in, science and math), what area of the country (New England, we want her to live near us in Massachusetts), etc. She is super smart (4.0 and one of the top 5 students in her class). She has shown little interest in the research process so we have taken it over completely. We are hoping when we set up tours she will show an interest. I just don’t know if we are supposed to be making all the decisions. Our fear is she will just pick the school closest to us to commute (no interest in sharing a dorm room, as she is an only child). Her real passion is performance theater and she probably wants to do that but we want her to set her sights much higher since she is one of the top students in the school. Anybody have a similar situation?
Maybe she doesn’t show any interest because she has already figured out that it is pointless to do so. If you have already picked out her major for her, regardless of her inclination, then why should she care about the rest of it?
Sooziet has such a daughter, but this gal studied performing arts. I don’t know how talented your DD is with theater. I danced all my youth, but it was a hobby, not a goal.
Be careful to not make this a stressful event, as your DD will resist even more. As her friends start talking about colleges, she will become more interested. My job as a parent was to be my child’s assistant, not to direct. At some point, she will meet with her GC. There will also be college fairs later in the year.
My son was like that – apathetic about the process. I ended up doing a lot of the research for him.
When you do research for your child, I think it’s important to think of yourself as your child’s administrative assistant, not the manager of the process. You may be doing the work, but you need to be thinking of her needs and her preferences, not your own.
In other words, it’s what she wants that matters – unless what she wants is outright harmful or unrealistic. For example, if she was a C student and wanted to go to Stanford, you would need to guide her in a different direction.
As long as she’s not missing deadlines for SAT tests or other things that need to be done junior year, she’ll be fine. My kids had little interest until I dragged one to a college fair (sister was at a game) and then when we went to a few college tours there was a little life in them. But I have to say, they were never all that interested. Each found a school, each is attending that ‘found’ school. One and done.
I have to disagree with your wanting her to do something ‘more’ than theater. If that’s what she likes, that’s right for her.
IMO the start of junior year is a bit early for many kids to be invested in the college search process. It is fine to start looking at options, but don’t make it too easy for her or even too easy to “blame” you if things don’t work out the way she may want. Your D should get involved before you go much further. Perhaps visit some different types of schools (ex. LAC, large university, urban, rural etc.) and get her to start voicing opinions on what she prefers.
And performance theater opens other choices. Would she want a BFA focused strictly on performance art (which typically require auditions) or a BA with a theater major or minor? Again, she should be involved in this choice (or if you want her to get a BA to have more options in the futures, she should buy into the decision).
She is only a JUNIOR!
There will be PLENTY of time for her to get interested in college[ and at the rate you are going I wouldn’t be surprised if she wants to go somewhere AWAY FROM YOU and clear across the country! ]
In other words- LIGHTEN UP!
SHE will be the one going to college- NOT YOU!
Well, she is very talented, often gets lead roles in community theaters even over adults. But we know someday she would want a big house with a big yard and I think deep down she realizes if she follows the theater route as a career and even gets lucky she will probably end up in NYC sharing a small apartment and waiting on tables during the day. She would hate that part!
That said- make sure she takes the PSAT this Oct. If her HS does not offer if, get her to a school that does give it.
that one test can mean hundreds of thousands of $$ of merit $$ for top students at many colleges- though not at the Ivys .
If you think she will want to commute, I don’t think you should discourage her from choosing a nearby college. If she shows no over riding major interest, encouraging colleges with a variety of possible programs and letting her know that she can apply undecided or change her major after taking some classes might help. Look at the dorms for some of the colleges and find some that might suit her better (even if she has to share, colleges with pod style suites vs traditional dorms might interest her.) Look for colleges where she could have her own room (like the Universities of Alabama). Don’t write off lower ranked, less prestigious colleges. Many have honors colleges or programs that attract high ability kids like her. Have you visited any colleges yet? Maybe seeing a few in person will make it seem more real and spark her interest.
Two of the schools where she would have a very high likelihood of getting a single as a freshman if she wants one are very highly ranked – Columbia and Cornell. So don’t write off the Ivies, either.
But Cornell does not have a BFA in theater. I’m not sure about Columbia.
We have 4 college visits planned for September and October. Hopefully that will spark an interest!
My wife and I both commuted to college; both of us were only children and didn’t want to deal with living with strangers. Our daughter feels the same way. However, in hindsight we feel we missed out on a lot of the college experience by commuting. We hope she lives on campus so she won’t have the same feeling.
^This just sounds like you want to live vicariously through her. Ask her to help you pick some colleges for her to visit within whatever parameters you have (have you run any net price calculators on the college websites yet?). Make sure she gets standardized testing done, including a couple of subject tests if there is any thought she wants to apply to top colleges.
But to answer the title of the post, the decisions should be mostly hers within your budget limitations. She will blame you if you push her into something she is unhappy with. She is the one who has to live with the consequences.
She hasn’t expressed any opinion on what she is interested in academically, so we have chosen math and science because she excels in those subjects.
Many kids don’t know what college major they want. And even if they do, many change their minds. Few majors are so structured that all else is precluded right off the bat.
It is hard to figure out what the kid wants. Most students would even change major in college. My D is going to 10th grade next month. She was so excited about an Introductory to Engineering Design class when it was announced at school before summer. It is very competitive as almost everyone said they want to register for it. She got the schedule today and she got it, however, she said she may want to drop that. We though CS would be a perfect major for her but she has been changing her mind all the time. At the end, we don’t have much control except financially.
Whoa. You are way too involved, in my opinion. It’s one thing to research and suggest interesting programs to her. It’s another altogether to take over the entire process and set up tours, unless she is asking you to do so for time management purposes.
I stayed out entirely, except to review various universities and their programs on my own. We discussed interests, strengths, and possibilities a great deal as a family. But the kid has to drive the process.
The first one did it all and just informed us of her final choices, and occasionally asked that I hunt down some document. As it turned out, this one chose an international university and did the entire process unassisted in another language, so we could not have helped anyway.
You’ve done your job if she is a senior. Let her own motivation carry her forward. If she doesn’t own it, she won’t care about it.
My daughter was not (or at least didn’t seem) interested in the process. I had to coordinate campus visits the summer before her Senior year. We took two trips. The first was a tour of many different types of universities (big/medium/small, public/private, college town/city). While we toured, I was very careful to keep my feelings to myself and to ask her questions about what she liked and disliked about each visit.
A month later, I planned a tour of four universities that I thought fit what she was looking for based on our earlier visits. She ended up really liking two of them and both of them were in the “safety” category. She got accepted early (notified in September) and was done early with college applications. I was worried because it seemed like she never really got into the process and never seemed excited.
I did a lot of work, but I made sure she owned her decision. I was worried all the way until I moved her in last week. She finally gave me a sense that she is happy and excited with where she is going and that she will be all right.
I wish we had started visiting places earlier and I see nothing wrong with the parent setting up a few visits in September and October. Picking the major for her is probably a bit of a stretch - but she has plenty of time to decide that anyway. There’s no one right way to do all this stuff.