I live on the East coast and my dream school is on the West coast, so literally thousands of miles away. I have to wait a week to find out if I got in for sure. But, the thing is I did not tell my grandmother/legal guardian that I so much as applied. So, they’re going to freak out. She wants me to go to a school that’s nearby but live on-campus. (We don’t have a good relationship so she doesn’t want me living at home but still expects me to visit a lot.) She didn’t even want me to go to a school in a neighboring state because it’s “too far”. (It was an hour and a half away.) Wherever I go, she wouldn’t be paying for it regardless. The school I applied to meets full financial need and I have an EFC of 0. I don’t want to go to this school because it’s super far away but because I love it. I feel like she is trying to emotionally manipulate me into going where she wants me to go. Whenever I talked about going to any other school she said things like,
“I won’t be able to visit you.” She doesn’t get around much, she doesn’t even go to my high school that’s 20 mins away. So I don’t see her taking the 40 minute drive to go to the city and walk around a college campus. She didn’t even go to a college tour.
“What if there’s an emergency?” I say, what kind of emergency that would require me to be at home. If I broke my leg, I’d get around on crutches,etc. I said name an emergency where I would need you specifically to help me in a way I couldn’t help myself and she admitted, “I don’t know.”
“Do you hate me? It’d be different if I were dead but I’m not-at least not yet- although you wish I were.” I feel this is totally unfair. My friend’s parents have encouraged her to apply to schools nationwide and have no preference for anywhere.
She hardly ever lets me do anything for her. She complains about the way I wipe the counter/do the dishes/etc. so she does 9/10 things herself. My younger brother doesn’t have any chores where I do. However, when I’m away next year, there is not a single thing I do that he would not be able to. And she also has family members, (son, niece and their spouses) who live about an hour and a half away so that if she really did need something done, they could do that. And she also has two neighbors who help her out.
This school is an amazing place, has a great reputation as a school and for the majors I’m interested in. It would be an amazing opportunity. But at the same time, the things she says do make me second-guess. I’ve saved money for my deposits and when I get a decision, I have to act right away because this safety school, where she wants me to go, does not have guaranteed freshman housing and their housing is almost full.
Even though you struggle to get along with your grandmother, she still has spent many years being responsible for you, and worrying about you. It is easy to understand that she would be uncomfortable with you going far away.
So, identify a trusted adult (your guidance counselor maybe?) who can help you break the news to your grandmother if you do get into the far-away school. This person should be able to help her understand that this is truly an exceptional opportunity that should not be missed. This person should also be able to help the two of you come up with a plan for how you will stay in touch. Maybe you will agree to skype twice a week. Maybe you will plan now to travel home a certain number of times each year. You also should bring your younger brother into the conversation. Once you leave, he will be alone with Grandma. That may be scary to both/one/neither of them.
When you are communicating with the trusted adult, be prepared to argue your case for the dream school. It truly should be exceptional for what you want to do. If that adult thinks that you have other equivalent options that are not clear across the continent, it will be harder to get the support that you need when speaking with Grandma.
At some point you must take control of your life, sure the visits won’t be frequent but how often does she see/did she see her children whom are adults? (Aka the thing you’re about to become). Also, the experience will be liberating, life-changing, and overall beneficial if you can afford it! You’re about to become an adult and the biggest part of that is making YOUR decisions, not following the guidelines of others unless you specifically want to. I have felt this same pressure with my family and upon my explanation have convinced them to side with my reasoning. I understand this probably isn’t going to work for you and you may have tried it, but you can’t let your grandma cripple you now, it’ll make a lasting impression that you’ll later regret.
How are you paying for the OOS schools? Did you get a full ride? Did your parents leave you a college fund? If not, where’s the money coming from? You can only borrow $5500/year. If you’re considered an independent student for financial aid, you may qualify for full Pell (about $5k/year), but I don’t know of any aid that pays all costs for an OOS student at a CA school. Oregon & WA I don’t know about.
I’d make sure the schools you’re accepted to are definitely affordable before breaking the news to your grandma.
Yes, even though many schools pledge to meet 100% of financial need, there are often incidentals that might not be covered - like travel to and from the university (not incidental if you are flying from the East Coast to the West Coast and back twice a year), books, spending money, etc. I know that nominally those are covered by the cost of attendance, but unless this school is giving you a stipend to cover those things - which is uncommon - or you have work-study or employment that will cover it, you will need minimal support from your grandmother if you can get it.
That said, I agree with @happymomof1 - if you can get a trusted adult to be your advocate in this case, that would be the ideal way to go about this. They can have an adult-style heart-to-heart with your grandmother and have the bonus of appearing to be a neutral third party.
Look, if you get into the West Coast university, don’t sell yourself short to attend a school nearby… for what exactly?
It’s highly unusual for college students’ families to visit them on campus (often, they come once when they move in, and once when they leave, and they certainly don’t casually “visit”). She wants to keep seeing you and she doesn’t want to imagine you far away. Same thing with “what if you need help” which is the same as “what if you need me?” and of course “what if you NO LONGER need me?” - what if you leave and never come back, what if you stop loving her, etc.
Ultimately, you are responsible to yourself and your future, to take advantage of that terrific opportunity IF it is presented to you. (Keep in mind that you could be denied ofr WL or get an insufficient package*…) Your grandmother is sad that you’re leaving and is trying to manipulate you into staying (even though she probably knows it’s not right… or she could have convinced herself that she knows better and you shouldn’t go far away.) You have to tell her you’ll love her no matter what, that you’ll be far but you’ll keep in touch and will come home for holidays, that you’ll miss her, but ultimately it’s time for you to start becoming independent and grow into the best adult you can be. Teach her how to skype, practice together, practice even before you leave.
If you’re admitted, as posters above said, talk to her with a trusted adult by your side. Don’t leave that to the last minute - you need to think about who’d be good, then ask them.
Are you sharing your ID with someone? In November you said you’re a senior in a Catholic high school and you’d recently been admitted EA to your safety school (Temple) for journalism. In Dec. you said you’re 22 and you already have a journalism degree but are contemplating getting a master’s. Very confusing…
Anyway, with a 1750 SAT and 1120 CR + M score, I don’t know if you’ll get into USC or get $60k+ of need-based aid even if you do. I think you also said on one of your other threads that you’re low income with a 0 EFC and you’d be paying for everything yourself. I think, at most, you’ll have about $10k/year ($5500 student loan + about $5k Pell) to work with.
I think Temple is the cheapest school you’ve applied to (about $16k/year in tuition and fees if you can commute). Is that where you grandma wants you to go to live on campus? If so, how are you going to make up the $6k difference between the tuition costs and your Pell grant & student loan, and who’s going to pay the $10k+ for you to live there?
@austinmshauri Yes, older cousin is the one getting the masters. She was talking to me about it and I said to put it on CC but she didn’t feel like making her own account. So we used mine.
I don’t know for sure I’ll get into USC but I just want to be prepared because like I said if I do decide to go to my safety if I change my mind about USC or get rejected, I need to do it right away because temple’s housing is filling up. They actually gave me a $16k financial aid package with the federal loans, pell grant, PA state grant, work study, and a federal supplemental grant I think it’s called FSEOG, I don’t know some acronym. I would do whatever it takes to live on-campus. She is verbally abusive and I don’t want another year of being called a worthless piece of shit, stupid, I make her wish she was dead, etc. and I also think it would be detrimental to my school work. Good news is that I have a friend who invited me to have an apartment with Her and two other people which is about $3,000 a year. And I’m a semi-finalist for an outside scholarship worth $6,000 a year. So if I get that, I’m set. Or I could defer a year and work
Since your grandma isn’t paying and it sounds like you’re independent, then you can go where you want as long as need is met.
However, plan on working over the summer because you’re going to need money to pay for your plane tix and other expenses…you won’t get aid before school starts.