One of my relatives lived with her MIL and helped care for her until the MIL passed away more than a decade later. She, her H and a young boy they adopted all lived as a family unit in a modest 3 bedroom house. It had its pros and cons–they made it work. Her BIL lives with his wife and her folks in a multi-generational household as well. Now that her folks are aging, they are helping provide more care than previously.
One of my friends sold her home and extensively remodeled her parents’ home so that she and her H could live there with her folks and help care for them as they aged.
In HI, it is fairly common to have multi-generational families due to the very high cost of real estate and high cost of living coupled with mostly lower wage jobs. People make it work because they feel it has advantages over the alternatives, after weighing available options and resources. There is no ONE right or wrong answer, to me it is a choice, much like college and higher education is a choice among available options.
On our small block, there are four families I know that multi-generations living together–some 2 generations and some 3 generations. The folks involved make things work or try other options if they can’t make things work.
We lived with my MIL twice. The first time was for about 18 months while our first house was being remodeled. The second time was 5 years later and it was for 6 months while our current house was being remodeled. I then realized that H would be perfectly happy to stay in his mom’s house forever so one day, I packed up the 4 kids we had then and called H from the new house. I told him we were staying there and he was welcome to join us but the next time we’d be at grandma’s was for Thanksgiving in 3 weeks. He was home in 20 minutes and hasn’t slept at his mom’s house in 20 years.
Now, we are thinking about bringing MIL to live with us but she won’t part with her D and I won’t have her in my home.
I don’t know if it was common or not, but during the tech boom in the late 90s, a few of dh’s childhood friends and their spouses moved in with one set of parents. He is from the Silicon Valley and his friends/spouses, all with good jobs, could not afford to buy a house. In order to save for a downpayment, they moved in with the folks. Dh and I were living here on the East Coast at the time. We had purchased a “starter” home here where dh was stationed with the Navy. When he was getting out of the Navy three years later, we considered relocating back to the Silicon Valley in the general area where he grew up, but quickly realized when looking at the housing prices that we’d be in the same boat - needing (or wanting in order to save money for down payment) to live with his parents. We ended up staying here on the East Coast for a variety of reasons, where a few years later we had a housing boom too and the value of our house skyrocketed. We are a ways away from being empty-nesters - I wouldn’t necessarily be opposed to having a kid/spouse move back in with us to save for a house IF we had room, we got along with them, and there was a specific end date. However, since we have four kids, it might be an issue - I can’t imagine having a constant flow of our kids and spouses moving in/out and if we said yes to one, then you know…
We’ve only got two kids and so far, neither has indicated interest in moving back, but life is long. We have both of their bedrooms available in case either needs to move back and they occupy those bedrooms during visits. My relatives have had their adult kids post-college move back while figuring out their next move and launching careers. So far, the three that married moved out for good.
I never wanted to move back in with my parents, that would have been painful (you’d understand if you knew them). But I would be happy if my kids and spouses moved in with us, for whatever reason. They would have a nice deal, but I don’t know if they would ever want to, they’re very independent. We have maintained their rooms…though the youngest asked if we were going to turn his room into something. I was kind of shocked and told him it was always his room, and what would we turn it into, a knitting room? Does he even know me? We have a very large house and don’t need any extra room, so I think those rooms will always be theirs.
My brother lives in a huge old house with an awkward apartment in the attic that doesn’t have a separate entrance. They frequently rent it out, but for a while their oldest and his girlfriend later wife lived there. They had some separation, and didn’t have to eat every meal together. Our younger son lived with us for almost two of years after graduating. His girl friend made some extended stays as well. We really enjoyed having him around.
We shared an apartment for the first few years after we were married, and had lived in a shared house for many years before that.
Back when we were first married my wife and I were starting a business in the county my parents lived in. We moved in with my parents while the business got on it’s feet around 6 months or so. I can see several scenarios where this might occur. A young couple with a lot of college debt wishing to get rid of it quickly, a couple saving for a down payment on their own house, a couple who works in areas where the cost of housing is VERY high, and as someone else mentioned caregiver situations. Often parents live in larger homes than they need as emptynesters and two families can live in the home as comfortably as one. My goal is that my kids are able to have a home of their own whether they own or rent. Our home would not be a place that two families could live as comfortably as one.
My D2 is getting married in May, and her fiancé’s father lives in a large historic home with about 8 bedrooms. He wants the young couple to move in with him. They said absolutely no and are moving into a one-bedroom apartment.
Just a side note, my dearest friend’s family lived that way, too, and her parents were the last surviving children of each of their families, so they inherited all the family’s property. When my friend’s mom died last month, she left 3 of those properties in a hot area of Brooklyn, fully paid off, each worth over $6 million.
I may be in the minority on this one. Barring some medical issues as outlined in post 3, and since I do not live in Europe, no I would not expect my adult S and his wife to live here in this home. I’d be awfully disappointed in myself if they did. My job as a parent(in my mind) was to raise a happy healthy, self supporting adult in society. If my kid was a college grad and married, but could not support himself then I would feel I had let him down by not giving him the tools to support himself. I also would feel if he were unable to support himself then he wasn’t ready to take on a wife or possibly children. Just living in my home so they can save up for a much nicer starter one doesn’t cut it for me.
My kids have their own places and wouldn’t dream of living with us. It’s been fun watching them get their own places and get started. It’s a big step towards being an adult.
But I do have a pretty big house and if they NEEDED to live with us I’d say yes. We can “get away from each other” in this house (and they have great mates that I really like being around).
H and I lived with my parents for a couple months in the 80’s, when we were between houses. We had been on our own since college, and we were in our mid-late 20’s. Yes, we could have afforded to stay in an apartment. But why? My parents had a big, empty house. They enjoyed the company. And we didn’t stay all that long. D’s story is similar - on her own since college, could afford an apartment, we have 3 empty bedrooms and an unused bathroom, she is great company, and she isn’t staying all that long. We don’t feel our parents failed at launching us and we don’t feel we failed at launching our D just because of a quick pit stop at the old homestead.
If a family wants to help each other, it isn’t necessarily negative. FWIW, my brother welcomed our widowed dad into his home for a long stay, even though Dad had his own place and could take care of himself. I would welcome my in laws for a long stay, should they need it - I offered my FIL a place to escape his wife for a bit just last month!
D is living at home this summer recovering from a bad car accident and her boyfriend is living with us to help care for her. So I’m getting a taste of this. On the one hand, it’s nice to have the company. On the other, I got used to the empty nest routine of cooking and cleaning for one. The grocery bills have shot up exponentially. I know she would love to have her own apartment (she was not a fan of the dorm), and I fully expect them to move out when it’s feasible.
I could handle it short term, I wouldn’t want to long term. I like my privacy, I want to not be concerned about whether I had a bra on. I like things left how I had them, I like knowing my yogurt is in the fridge for me, I just like doing my own thing. When other people are here, it’s just different. I spent 2 decades putting everyone else first, which I did because I wanted to, but now I don’t feel like doing that so much.
Yes, it is nice when you CAN let them have a place to stay IF NEEDED. I sure get that it does change your routine and household expenses DO rise while there are more living at home. So far, the kids have never spent much time with us, except S when he was awaiting his security clearance for his job (that was about 6 months). It didn’t make sense for him to find a place and move there for those months when he’d have to move across the country to start his job. We and he enjoyed him living with us.
“On the other, I got used to the empty nest routine of cooking and cleaning for one. The grocery bills have shot up exponentially.”
@Barbalot In the case of your daughter, she is recuperating so it is probably challenging for her to help out. In the cases where people are living together for goals of saving money for down payments and such, I would think the ideal would be to work out a schedule of sorts where all adult members contribute to the running of the household and ongoing expenses like groceries. If one isn’t a good cook, there are other ways to ease the burden. I wish your daughter healing thoughts!
My son recently moved 200 miles back home to start a new job. His fiance stayed behind to finish a work obligation (and until her apartment lease was up) and then came here and they moved into an apartment together. He lived here only six weeks. I did give up some privacy, but I was also able to take a vacation with him here to dog sit. One day he hugged me and said, “I know you couldn’t say no, but thanks for letting me stay with you.” Melted my heart. Now if he would get the rest of his crap out of my garage, I’d be fine with it!
H and I lived with my parents twice for about a month each time. When we first got married we were job hunting- -as soon as we got jobs, had rent/down payment, we got out of there. We all needed more privacy! Later, shortly after our first baby was born, our apartment building burned down. I’m sure mom and dad were happy to get rid of us and our colicky baby after a few weeks.
We have a walkout basement apartment which we have rented out to non-relatives at times. It is good for a single person–our 23yo son is renting it now. Win-win situation. I don’t think our kids would want to live with us after marriage usless it were an emergency. Our oldest son and his wife live thousands of miles away-- in someone else’s basement apartment. That family has two apartments in their home, and their D/SIL/ grandchild live in the other one. Rents there are high-- everyone is just trying to save money.
I went to an “After Party” for my directly across the street neighbor’s son. The bride’s dad said that the couple has been living at his house until they find a permanent home. They both have great jobs and futures ahead of them, so I wasn’t surprised at all. Lots of love from all the parents. Can’t picture that in my own life, but it was a nice time, and i believe that the couple will move on to their own home,
My son and his Gf just rented an apt about an hour from us. She has a good job, and he “followed her” there and is hopefully actively looking for a job. I would have let them live with us for some amount of time if they’d asked, but they chose to go this route, and I am “minding my own business.”
