<p>(Forgive me if this story is all over the place)
I’m new to this message board. This is actually my first and last message that i leave, but i needed some insight on what others would’ve thought on the situation that I’m currently in.
I’m a half Swedish, half korean guy who grew up in South Korea. I attended a perfectly normal American International school in Seoul, and graduated two years ago. I’ve never really lived in Sweden, although I did visit almost every summer. Aside from that, you get a clear idea of my cultural knowledge of my Swedish side… don’t really know it well, and don’t really find the country all that fascinating-- being that i grew up around american citizens and am used to them.
I’ve always wanted to go to New York City to study music. I produce a lot of music and have been very interested in DJing as well. My dad does support me studying music production and djing, however he so strongly wants me to live in Sweden and experience the culture. I on the other hand am not really keen on living in Stockholm for a couple of years… the city seems boring, people seem friendly and fun but there isn’t always much happening there…
So New York was my #1 choice and my dreams pretty much. So I confront my dad about it and he’s all ehhh about it but he’s like give it a shot and look up some schools… so i do and find some pretty cool programs located there. Then after showing my dad some schools he’s all like “New York is a weird place and i don’t know if i want you growing up there” and s%<strong>. But he still agrees to it and gives me a couple of conditions on living there. At this time i am stressing like crazy because it is nearly august and i don’t even have my visa, and my father hasn’t approved of me applying to any school yet. So I busily and stressfully try to work out ways so that i can live there on HIS conditions, and attend the program that i want to… Visa issues get in the way, the school programs get in the way but i EVENTUALLY figure out a way that both works out for myself and my father. I then show my father the conditions and the plans that i have come up with after stressing complete hell and he totally blows me off. Eh i don’t think this will work out. Eh, we gotta call the embassy to see if this’ll work(keep in mind he’s frowning to the max as i’m explaining the “great news” about how everythings worked out for both of us & I’ve already checked up on the U.S. Embassies website previous to my fathers confrontation and things were working well underway). Obviously it seemed as if my dad was trying to find any reason to make me bail on everything i had worked and searched for so that i could both get into New York and please my dad… this angered the hell out of me. He’s so unsupportive, tells me to figure s</strong>* out on my own, and threatens not to pay for my stay in NYC. He pretty much wants me to go through my life the way HE wants me to live my life. I don’t think anyone should live their lives for anyone but themselves and that their parents, no matter how difficult or hard it is for them to accept should agree to those terms… (unless you wanted to become something ridiculous). My father is obviously very anti-american, has never even lived in New York, and makes assumptions on how depressed i’m going to be if i do end up living there. At this point i cannot even believe my father is acting up like this… Do you think he’s being unreasonable?</p>
<p>Your story isn’t making sense. If you want to attend school in New York starting this fall…you really needed to apply to the schools, get accepted, and get your visa in order LONG BEFORE NOW. </p>
<p>Are you an American citizen? If not, you would also need to provide a statement that you are financially able to cover all of your expenses in this country. I believe that is a condition of getting a student visa here. (my own kid needed to do the same thing for another country when he did a study abroad).</p>
<p>I’m not sure whether your dad is being unreasonable or not…but it DOES seem like these plans are being cobbled together with not a lot of thought about them.</p>
<p>Where do you plan to live in NYC and who will pay for that? It’s not all that easy to find (inexpensive) housing in NYC. How do you plan to get back and forth? Who will pay for your schooling? How long will you be here? What are your career plans? Does the school you wish to attend even HAVE openings at this time?</p>
<p>I’m living in NYC with a close friend (My father SHOULD be paying for everything), and I’m entering the U.S. on a B-2 Visa. No, I am not like your sons and daughters that attend normal Universities… i’m attending an institution that is less than 18 hours per week for 3 months then transferring to another university for the spring semester. This will allow me to apply for my F-1 visa. I am a musician, I plan on making music for the rest of my life, and there is nothing more i have ever felt i’ve wanted to do. And yes, the school i wish to attend has openings at this time. I hope that cleared some issues up…</p>
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<p>It seems reasonable that his money is spent on his terms. If you graduated high school two years ago, you’re likely an adult, and your father is no longer obligated to support you. Have you been working two jobs and saving all of your income for the past two years in order to be able to finance your dreams? If you want to do something with which he disagrees, then you need to figure out a way to pay for it yourself.</p>
<p>So with that said, I’m assuming if your son/daughter wanted to be somewhere you hadn’t wanted him/her to be, you’d have him/her finance it themselves… And I spent a year in London studying Audio Engineering, if you may have drawn the conclusion that i had been doing nothing the year after graduating.</p>
<p>I think most parents decline to finance the endeavors of their adult children when they are endeavors with which the parents disagree. Parents expect that when their children become adults, those adults will find ways to finance their own endeavors. I have agreed to fund my kid’s education, but I would not necessarily give him that money to spend some other way.</p>
<p>It sounds like your father has been generous in making it possible for you to attend an International School, and also spend a year in studying audio engineering in London. With all of the educational opportunities he has provided you, why can’t you support yourself financially and fund your own endeavors?</p>
<p>But whether you like it or not if you’re asking him to pay the way then he has a say in what that ‘way’ is. Some of us parents are willing and able to let our kids go where they want within reason (i.e. the parents’, i.e. the funder’s, idea of what’s reasonable), some are willing but not able to afford it, and some are able to afford it but not willing. From an objective perspective is it possible that this plan of yours might not be a very good investment? There’s no entitlement when it comes to college and the kid is now over 18 y/o. It’s very nice if the parents pay but they’re not obliged to. </p>
<p>So if you want to be able to make all the determinations of where to go on your own without your parents’ approval then you have to be willing to pay your own way if you can. </p>
<p>But maybe he’ll come around. Has he come to NY to visit you, visit the school, see what the grads go on to do, and understand why his spending the money for that program would be a good investment?</p>
<p>Most parents find it hard enough to finance their students University education. I Don’t believe anyone at age 19-- especially with the economic crisis that the U.S. is going through, would be able to pay $50,000 a year. The reason your kids go to university in the first place is to study in the areas that they later want to develop a career in. Even after university, graduating students probably won’t be offered $50,000 salary their first year at work (unless you may have attended an IVY). This is why I don’t see the logic in your question…</p>
<p>Just my 2 cents…how about if you find a program in NYC that has study abroad in Sweden?</p>
<p>Thanks ucsd<em>ucla</em>dad, I better understand my father now. I have not taken into account that it is his investment and wants it to absolutely benefit me and my life. I guess my dad is being reasonable, but he didn’t have to be so harsh about it yeah?</p>
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<p>Sounds more like you’re being unreasonable.</p>
<p>Shoulda known parents will always be parents… and kids will always be kids. @RacinReaver
That’s just the way i’ve been brought up, and is something i am used to.</p>
<p>Not everyone that reads this forum is a parent.</p>
<p>Perhaps you’re a wee bit self-entitled? For my undergrad education my parents and I agreed to split the cost of attendance. I got a bunch of scholarships to help defray the costs for both of us, and I graduated with a reasonable amount of debt.</p>
<p>And, heck, your comment about most college graduates making $50k is a bit off. I’m one of my few friends making less than that, and that’s because I decided to go to grad school (and we weren’t even at an ivy!).</p>
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<p>Why and for how long? Most musicians never make much. It’s a well known stereotype that Asian parents favor practical careers. Is this the true problem?</p>
<p>You sound like a child throwing a tantrum, “My father SHOULD be paying for everything.” </p>
<p>What a sense of entitlement. It sounds like your father has made the mistake of giving too much. Once out of high school you are an adult. He should cut you off, let you grow up and learn to act like one.</p>
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<p>This IS the Parents’ Forum, after all.</p>
<p>There seem to be several issues here.</p>
<p>First, is money an issue for your parents? I’m assuming that the cost of university is very different in Sweden and the US. </p>
<p>If money is not an issue, your dad is using money to force you to study in Sweden rather than in New York City. He has that right, but I think it is unreasonable for him to ask you to try to make it work, then pull the rug from underneath you when you do manage to come up with a good plan.</p>
<p>What I don’t get is that your father does not want you to be in NYC, but you already are there. Can you suggest a compromise? Ask your dad to fund you for the first year, then re-evaluate? Promise him to spend time regularly in Sweden to re-connect with your heritage. S’s friend is half-Swede and spends several weeks every summer in Sweden. The whole family goes.</p>
<p>plus, lingenberries are wonderful! :D</p>
<p>OT, I know.</p>
<p>Why don’t you approach him with an open mind, ask him what he straight up expects, no more of these “games” you’re describing, it’s too passive aggressive-like and it wastes time.</p>
<p>Get both your feelings out in the open, ask him why is it he doesn’t seem to approve of your idea. GET HIS OPINION. Work something out, don’t let it get heated, this isn’t the time for that.</p>
<p>If he doesn’t want to support you (make sure to ask, don’t “guess” at it based on his actions) and you want it THAT badly, support yourself, have a realistic plan and have a backup plan ready in case it’s just not going to work.</p>
<p>Communicate with your parents, know what they’re thinking and why they’re thinking it and them let them know what you’re thinking and why you’re thinking it. They have information that might help you, and might put your “plans” into perspective.</p>