What can you tell about a young women who is passionate about pursuing her dream no matter what gets in her way? Growing up I have faced many obstacles in my life, such as being diagnosed with multiple neurological disorders and dealing with depression. Not only have I faced many obstacles but I also achieved things that I never thought I would. I learned at a young age that life is not always going to be a smooth ride, that there are going to be rough patches. When these rough patches appear you can either stand up and face them head on or just lay down and give up. I chose to stand up and to face what life threw at me head on, because I knew that if I did not I would never reach my dream.
Growing up I always knew I was different from the other children but I never knew why. As I struggled with health issues it was clear that there were also other things going on. I began having difficulty in school. That began years of seeing a specialist, both medical and educational. My life felt like it revolved around doctors, hospitals, and evaluations. I was diagnosed with epilepsy and my seizure disorder interfered with school. It was during this time that I was also diagnosed with Aspergers, ADHD and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. It was definitely a long road with a lot of work and determination, along with a huge amount of support both at home and school.
Later on in life I also was diagnosed with anxiety disorder and depression. I have battled with depression throughout my teenage years. Battling with depression has felt like my mind has been replaced by something that only makes me feel worthless and numb to life. Numb to even the people I love, the activities I enjoy, and even my art. However, even though some days I don’t have the energy or desire, I still have to push on. I knew if I did not push on I would never achieve my dream.
I entered high school with excitement and a little fear. I was excelling academically but had yet to find my passion. During my sophomore year I took a graphic design class and I knew that was it, I found my passion. I took as many art classes as my schedule allowed. One of the highlights of my art education was when I entered a contest for a local business starting up in my town. It took over a month of work but nervously I submitted my design. I won the competition. My design was chosen to be the one placed on the front of the diner sign and also the cover design for their menu. I received an award with a small scholarship. It was truly exciting. School took a wonderful turn for me. I joined the Gay-Straight Alliance Club of which now I am the president. I also managed to make the honor roll each and every semester. I have spent several years as a very active member of The National Art Honor Society. This year I was honored to be inducted into the National Honor Society. I would have never thought that I would be where I am today.
Looking back I am proud of the person that I chose to be, the choices that I made, and the effort it took to get where I am today. I was able to overcome so much and I am ready for the next phase of my life. There are so many things that could have affected my life and who I am today. However, I took the good with bad and never gave up. Life is never going to be a smooth ride and I am ready to take all that life throws at me, for I am able to reach my dream.
As there is still right now time for you to edit this I strongly recommend you delete this. I haven’t read it, but you don’t want to be plagiarized and there is a chance you will be if this stays up.
Edit: Alright I read it and here’s some feedback on the essay itself
The beginning sounds a little forced.
It’s typically best to leave out the word “depression” or any allusions to it.
“I learned at a young age that life is not always going to be a smooth ride, that there are going to be rough patches. When these rough patches appear you can either stand up and face them head on or just lay down and give up. I chose to stand up and to face what life threw at me head on, because I knew that if I did not I would never reach my dream.”
While true, its a bit of a cliche. Also, typically it’s best not to use “you” in admissions essays. “one” is usually better.
What is your dream? I would talk about that more potentially
“won the competition. My design was chosen to be the one placed on the front of the diner sign and also the cover design for their menu. I received an award with a small scholarship. It was truly exciting. School took a wonderful turn for me. I joined the Gay-Straight Alliance Club of which now I am the president. I also managed to make the honor roll each and every semester. I have spent several years as a very active member of The National Art Honor Society. This year I was honored to be inducted into the National Honor Society.”
Colleges are going to ask elsewhere what your activities are. Don’t use this space to rehash your resume. Your transcript is also going to be looked at, so it’s not really necessary to say you were on the honor roll a lot.
“However, I took the good with bad and never gave up. Life is never going to be a smooth ride and I am ready to take all that life throws at me, for I am able to reach my dream.” also a bit cliche.
If I were you, I would omit the anxiety and depression references (and even the Aspergers, ADHD and OCD references) and stick to the epilepsy and seizures.
I’ll be honest: I don’t think I like this essay. It’s a biography of your life rather than a personal essay. And towards the end, it’s unnecessary to rehash your resume. To me, you’re just listing things.
I think you should write about a different topic. When it comes to admissions essays, it’s best to write about creative or intellectual pursuits. Show your passion and enthusiasm for something and how that affects you. Maybe you could elaborate on art.
I’m not seeing too much. I feel as if you’re just telling me things.
I definitely agree with @ilovethecity .
And another thing: try and come up with a really good introduction to grab the reader’s attention. I read just a couple of sentences and I got bored.
“It was during this time that I was also diagnosed with Aspergers, ADHD and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.”
This only inspires pity and maybe even fear about how you will behave on campus while interacting with other students. Try another topic.
This essay does not make colleges WANT you, and that’s the purpose of admissions essays. I know that mental/medical issues are probably the most important aspect of your life to you, but I guarantee you that colleges will not want to take on a future potential problem. When you say “life is never going to be a smooth ride,” that will place you in the “stay-away-from-this-person” pile of applicants. Time for a safer topic.
You don’t need to really bring up the several diseases or whatever you have, it’s really a waste of words, also, take out anything that already mentions things that they can find on your application. Talk about things you like to do, such as art, and how having some of these diseases helped you grow. By doing this, they will see that you are someone who doesn’t see themselves as someone who has a disease… if you know what I mean.
As a rule, do NOT post your essay online. Ask others to read it and send it via PM, if you want to do that.
That said, I’m just going to be blunt. This essay is a bad idea. I’ve edited/made suggestions for many, many essays, and I would tell you to toss this and begin again.
This one screams to me, as the educated, middle-aged reader (who may well represent many of your readers), “I have major issues. My whole life is about my issues and my identity (even the GSA stuff). List of multiple diseases/disorders follows”
Not interesting. Possibly a red flag. I think it will be an auto-reject.
Now there are seeds to work with here. You need to focus on your graphic arts passion. Maybe something about the first thing you drew, the response, and how it inspired you to redouble your efforts in that area. Maybe a well-written essay about your experience in this particular contest…how you felt at each step (take us INTO your experience, instead of narrate to us), and how you proceeded.
If ADHD, OCD, etc. has affected your school work, it’s usually best to have your counselor explain this in a letter to the university. A safer topic might serve you better for your personal essay.
A lot of times, it helps to focus on one moment of your life in your essay. Try to tell a story. For example, you could start your essay with the moment that you submitted your design for the art competition. Describe the way your heart pounded as you handed it over, the way your thoughts raced through your mind, etc. This will draw your reader in and give you a transition into a discussion of how graphic design became your passion.
It is a bit soon to write your essay for fall submission. I have to agree with everyone, that it suffers from boringness in the way it is written. You must learn about what cliches are and learn how to rewrite to avoid them. When you do come up with a better essay, do not post it online anywhere. There are warnings and tips pinned in the threads at the top of a forum when you enter it. Instead of using cliches, find fresh and meaningful words of your own
cliches:
life is not always going to be a smooth ride
rough patches
battled with depression
achieve my dream
overcome so much
who I am today
the good with the bad
never gave up.
Life is never going to be a smooth ride (again!)
take all that life throws at me
reach my dream
^^ all these things are too non-specific. What is your dream? Who are you today? You didn’t give us any insight. Someone called it–you are just reciting a series of events and cliche. You need to build a better story. At least you have plenty of time.