<p>Your mom seems to be having trouble letting go. Do pick your battles but keep in mind that it’s better to start setting some boundaries now than wait until you are older and married. No wife wants a mother-in-law who tells her what to wear, how to cut her hair, how to run her household or raise her children. </p>
<p>Different types of comments call for different levels of response. M2CK is right about not engaging in battles over major decisions like your career or marriage plans. When your mom comments on them, just thank her for her advice and tell her you’ll think about it, then change the subject. When she comments on your clothes or hair, thank her for offering her opinion and change the subject. Do not alter your behavior when you’re home just to satisfy her need for control. However, I’d nip the comparisons to your friends in the bud before you have kids of your own. Ask her how she thinks it makes you feel, and how she would feel if you constantly compared her to your friends’ moms. Keep the conversation focused on her behavior (the comparisons) not the reasons for it (whether you should play more team sports or whatever). If she continues, I’d probably start responding that the other moms wish their sons were more like you, then let it go. You’re probably not going to change her much, but you can change your response to her. Your adult life will be easier if you do.</p>
<p>Honestly, most moms don’t even know they are doing this when they do it. It just comes so natural for moms to be directing kids because that’s how it was done for 18 years. We truly believe you would have never got to school on time, put your homework in your folder and said “please” and " thank you " without our reminding you. Moms think if it wasn’t for them you would walk out the door without your pants on, head straight into the street in front of a car and talk to STRANGERS! You need us!</p>
<pre><code>So you have been away for 9 months. That’s nine months of pent up stuff she needs to tell you right now before she forgets. She is ready to explode with all this great advice she has for you.
So smile. Smile and hug your mom. Don’t wear the stupid HORRIBLE color shirt just for her…that’s your gift to mom.
</code></pre>
<p>Listen politely,smile and then do what you want. </p>
<p>Perfect this because you will be doing it the rest of your life… Because you have a mom… A mom who only wants the best for you and can’t help but give you advice.</p>
<p>And then if you get married and have kids you can watch their mom, your wife,do the same things to them…and you will still have to smile and nod! You will have so much more to lose if you suggest the mother of your children back off…,…</p>
<p>Trust me on this.</p>
<p>Now get off the computer and make your bed.</p>
<p>So yes, you are correct, your mom is too controlling. As you continue to grow up and move on with your own life she will not have as much time nor the knowledge about your life to continue to hound you. It’s a learning curve for her too. So give her time but by all means run your own life.</p>
<p>@intparent I feel like that’s taking a bad situation and just making it worse by adding more rudeness- especially as it’s also really disrespect to his mother.
If your mom was attempting to sabotage you in your attempts to do what YOU want, not what SHE wants, then I’d say that she’s controlling; now, she just seems like a nudnik.
Just ignore it.</p>
<p>You are saying that she takes control, but how? Whatever anybody says, if you depend on this person, you can smile and nod (to be polite and not aggravate them), but nobody can physically make you do what they say. Another point is that you do not even need to discuss these things, you can simply avoid these discussions. Just never start yourself and if she does, then let her know that you are in a hurry to do something. You are an adult, you know how to deal with all of these, you are not a 12 y o anymore, then TAKE A CHARGE - and here I am trying to control you, so you really do not have to listen to me either, I am just replying to your question. </p>
<p>@hannahbanana69, his mother is certainly being disrespectful to him. There is very little that will change the behavior of a person like the OP’s mom. It seems to me that she needs a jolt so she can feel what it feels like to the OP. It may not work, but if the OP doesn’t do something it is very likely he (and his someday spouse) will have a miserable relationship with his mom. Probably resulting in them living very far away, which it sounds like is something the OP’s mom would not want. </p>
<p>Is Mom a reader? Would she accept a good how-to book on launching adult children/letting go and stepping into her new role? I know just the discussions here at CC about the change in child-parent dynamics during the “first time home from college - for break or summer” were VERY helpful to me. Wonder if there’s a popular book on the similar topics. </p>
<p>This guy sounds like a ■■■■■. I suspect it is some college kid having a good time at the expense of the gullible posters. However, it it is true, your mom is a major pain in the you-no-what. There is no way I would take this crap from her.</p>
<p>Op,
Asian mom here again. I am surprised at the number of people who are saying “just smile and nod.” Good relationships include good communication. She probably has no idea about how the criticizing makes you feel. She probably doesn’t even realize that she is criticizing you. OTOH maybe she is not really criticizing but you are so sensitized to past criticisms that you are being overly sensitive. What’s wrong with at least trying to talk about it? Not in a blaming way or in a big blow out fight way but just letting her know in a gentle way how this makes you feel? And yes, everyone will have things that bug you that you do NOT need to bring up if they are rather few and far between. But if it’s happening often, then you should bring it up. If it is rare, then, yes, just smile and nod.</p>
<p>This is a boundary issue. Many Asian parents do not believe there is boundary between parent and child no matter how old they get. They feel it is their rights to give opinion on everything about their children. </p>
<p>I agree with YoHo that OP should try to have a discussion with his mom in a respectful way. He is only a sophomore in college, so his mom may still think he is still a young teenager. Now is the time for him to start draw that boundary so his mom wouldn’t continue to cross the line. I think he owes it to his mom to let her know what kind of relationship he wants with her when he becomes an adult. It would be a shame if OP should decide not to have a relationship with his mom in the future because his mom didn’t know she was too overbearing. </p>
<p>My girls are becoming young adults. I do forget they are grown ups and should be able to make decisions on their own, so we do go through some adjustments from time to time (kind of like when they were little, going from 3 naps to 2 naps, painful on both sides). We try to remember we love each other and only want what’s best for our kids, so I adjust and step back/keep my mouth shut.</p>
<p>Your mom is not at all Controlling. That would mean she is forcing you in some way to do as she asks or cut off your relationship. She is simply going about her own way trying to influence you. She obviously loves you very much. She is just communicating with you letting you know her opinion.</p>
<p>You have choices. You can do a some suggest and ignore it. That will likely not stop the comments but is it really hurting you? Changing your behavior?</p>
<p>You could get into a knock-down drag-out argument with her and storm out of her life forever over her opinions. Don’t think that would yield the results you are looking for either.</p>
<p>This is part of a long process. My mother is 81 and she is still trying to influence how I live my life. Sometimes we chat, sometimes I yell, sometimes I let it roll off of my back. When I sit back and think rationally, I understand she is only trying to share her love and experience in a world where the dynamic has changed between us as I grew up, but as the world has changed during that time as well.</p>
<p>Have some patience with your mom, but try to let her know how you feel. Maybe write her an actual letter (you know, the type with pen and paper). Tell her how much you love her and respect her opinions. Let her know you are listening, but that when you choose your own path you are not doing so to disrespect her, but that you simply have your own opinions and want to see how they work out for you. </p>
<p>This is NOT an Asian thing. This is a mom thing. I am sure there are some exceptions and all moms have their own way of doing it. Ultimately, you will look back on this fondly when you are older.</p>
<p>My mom is not Asian, and she still is quite a bit like this even though I am over 50. I live far away and while I talk with her on the phone about once a week, my visits are infrequent. My kids do not care to be around her, either – they will dutifully visit when I ask them to, but prefer not to. And no amount of discussion seems to change her behavior. If a parent can’t learn to respect boundaries with their adult kids, usually the kids (or spouse of kids) puts a barrier up some other ways (distance, infrequent contact, etc).</p>