Is My Mom Too Controlling?

Parent Cafe
1

<p>Hey everyone! I’m currently a sophomore in college and just got back home last month from school. After spending the past several weeks with my mom, I just couldn’t fathom the fact that how controlling she is!! I’m becoming very very sick of talking to her! But the thing is, I’m not sure if she’s actually controlling / annoying or just me acting like a teenager…That’s why I am asking this question here and hopefully you can be the judge on this. I’ve listed out the things she did or said below:</p>

<p>(1) She takes control of the way I dress: I never dressed appropriately! In fact, thanks to my East Asian heritage, I was taught how to dress well and be well-mannered. I’m a guy, so usually I prefer wearing things that are comfortable and easy-to-put-on. But she gets super angry over little things like colors and style. She always asks me to change because simply I “don’t look good in that color”. She always says things like “I’ve told you million times that you don’t look good in that color! How come you never listen to me?” and then keep ranting…I just don’t understand. I feel comfortable. I look presentable. I’m good to go…To be honest, the way I dress should not be under her authority. </p>

<p>(2) She takes control of the way I look: I prefer having short hair than long hair but my mom hates it when I get shorter hair because “I look bad”. She always thinks that I look better with longer hair (which I totally disagree) and getting a haircut is always not necessarily. There were times we fought over the fact that I got a haircut without telling her. Again, should this be even under her authority? I’m just getting a haircut!!</p>

<p>(3) She takes control of my interests: I like playing tennis and basically every sport that’s not team sport. I’ve put my intention into cultivating these activities my whole life but my mom heavily discourages it. The common reason from her is that “you don’t strike me as a tennis person…you should play basketball or football or something!” Other than tennis, I enjoy listening to music or painting as my other hobbies. Not surprisingly, my mom doesn’t like them…she wants me to learn photography. Reason? Because one of my friends loves photography and she wants me to be like him!! She always makes comparisons between me and my friends and then tell me how good they are!!! Ughh… I DON"T like photography and I don’t want to be anyone but myself!</p>

<p>(4) She takes control over my career: She is an accountant, and obviously she would persuade me to major in accounting. Last year, I took an accounting class just for the heck of it… I HATED IT SO MUCH! I immediately knew that accounting was not for me. I even failed the class. Here’s our conversation after I told her that I don’t want to be an accountant:</p>

<p>“So, I don’t think I’m gonna major in accounting. I failed the class and I just don’t really like this subject that much, but I’ll keep exploring.”
“That’s fine…don’t worry. Once you’re done with college, you can always go to grad school for accounting.”
“Ok, mom, I don’t think you heard me…I don’t want to be an accountant and I don’t like accounting. It’s done.”
“We have been through this before… Accounting is a good route for you!! Good salary, stable…You don’t strike me as a person that does anything other than accounting anyway!”
“What does it even mean!!??? I have no interest! Zero interest!!”</p>

<p>So the argument goes on and on and on. I eventually picked Econ as my major but she still thinks I’m gonna take the CPA exam in the future…NOT.</p>

<p>(5) She takes control over my future: One time we were jokingly talking about marriage and stuff… but then she switched the atmosphere to a serious one. She said something like “you should get married when you’re 25 years old and buy a house in the Midwest…so I can take care of your children and do that do that do that…” I was like “wait wait wait…you’re not planning out my life, are you?” Ok this is my life, and I’m responsible for that. </p>

<p>So, what do you think?? Is my mom really controlling or does every mom act that way?? Or, am I being a rebellious teenager? To be fair, my mom is absolutely a loving mother, but it’s just little things like that that irks me. </p>

2

<p>no every mom isn’t like that. But your best course is to be like a duck and let it run off your back.</p>

3

<p>Haha this post just made my day! Honestly, I’m not a parent or an expert, but it seems she is only looking out for you. However cliche that sounds, I have a south Asian heritage and I had the same issues but with my father. He pushes for too much and compares me to radical examples, but I know for sure that he only means to push me to be the best. Many people tend to criticize in order to improve what they love or care for because their mentality seems to be a bit more aggressive (?). What I did was just agree with my dad and nod my head, and then go ahead and do what I needed in a respectful and subtle way. For example, for the tennis problem, it seems she wants you to take part in more team-oriented sports (normal of parents, since they tend to like seeing their kids be able to cooperate and flourish in a team effort), so just agree and nod you head, then find some other tennis players and set up a doubles match. This way, you found the middle ground in the argument. Hope this helps, good luck!</p>

4

<p>Every mom has her own unique way of saying, “I love you.” Your mom just seems a little more “directive” than most. Smile, give her a hug, and keep being yourself…well, maybe you can wear the color she likes every now and then, just to make her happy.</p>

5

<p>You just need to let it roll off. She’s alittle bit over the cliff, but I have known a few women like her. She loves you and each year you’ll move alittle bit farther from being alittle kid that she can dress and make decisions for :slight_smile: Hang in there. </p>

6

<p>She does sound controlling but I doubt she means any harm by it. Hang in there and roll with the punches until you go back to school. Try your best not to let it bother you. </p>

7

<p>Wow, that is tough for you, but I’m sure at your age you know best how to handle her. Try and save the “offensive” color clothing for when she is not around. Is there anyone else in the family you can talk to, who would know what you are going thru?
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8

<p>Coming on the parents forum to complain about your parents is perhaps not the best plan. </p>

9

<p>I feel your pain.</p>

<p>At the age of five my kindergarten school photo was taken. I was wearing a sleeveless sweater over a Dukes of Hazzard T-shirt.</p>

<p>She had wanted me to wear a nice button-down shirt underneath the sweater. I had wanted to wear just the T-shirt. We compromised.</p>

<p>That is among the last times that my mom and I compromised on a clothing decision until I left for UW.</p>

<p>At some point, your mom will let up a bit. Be glad: at least she cares. </p>

10

<p>Op,
I’m an Asian mom. I find your mom very controlling. Even if this is her personality and her culture and even though she loves you very much, I say that you should start telling her that she raised you well and now it’s time for her to back off a little. Print out a copy of your post above and show it to her. If you start talking about it, maybe she will realize that you are becoming sensitive to being criticized and controlled and maybe she will back off. Maybe she won’t. But it’s worth a try. Your feelings are valid.</p>

11

<p>^^I actually think coming to the parent forum to ask for some perspective is a pretty good plan. And yeah, she could probably tone it down a notch or two. Pick your battles.</p>

12

<p>Well, you will have incentive not to boomerang home when you graduate. :)</p>

13

<p>One thing to keep in mind, OP, is that the summer back from college is a tough one. The child comes back into the house after a year of being independent and self-sufficient. The dynamics have changed and getting back into a functioning relationship is pretty rocky. Give it time. </p>

<p>Lightly comment on what she says with what you prefer. If she says, “Don’t wear your hair like that. You don’t look good in it.” Say that you feel good wearing your hair like that. Most importantly, don’t let it get to you. Your mother is your mother. As you realize her faults and quirks, remember she is just being herself and that harm is not intended. Parents aren’t perfect and do not react the way you would like. Remember she is still the mom you love. </p>

14

<p>Your hair is your hair. remind your mom that you (or her mom) may not like her hair styles or clothes choices, but we have to respect choices.</p>

<p>as for career…dont argue. You arent going to be an accountant…that will be clear when you graduate and get real job.</p>

<p>ignore her plans about when you marry or live…whatever happens will happen.</p>

<p>smile and nod…you will do what you are going to do</p>

15

<p>Ohhh…heck no! </p>

<p>I am thankful I ignored my older relatives’ & parents’ advice on clothing choices and career path. '70s style brown pants and tweedy suits and wearing ties just don’t work with me and I’m glad I ignored one aunt who kept bugging me about pursuing med school…until I asked whether she’d be willing to fully pay for all the malpractice suits which will result when I was a college freshman. </p>

<p>Good thing too as I hate brown and bright colors and wearing formal corporate wear outside of work and I’d doubt I’d make a good doctor…nor enjoy the lifestyle it entails after having 3 post-college roommates who were medical interns/residents. They made great roommates…partially because their schedules were such I’d hardly see them around when they’re not sleeping more than once every 2-4 weeks. </p>

<p>That…and tend to find such controlling behavior to be a serious imposition and a violation of boundaries among adults. </p>

<p>Some folks…like some parents and people on this very thread attribute it to caring and they may be right. However, I find imposing oneself by offering unsolicited advice and demands upon one’s children or others in areas which are a matter of individual taste to be a very odd way of showing it. </p>

16

<p>You could try turning the tables… tell her that a color or style is unattractive on her. Say something unflattering about her haircut. Regarding getting married at 25 and living near her, going to guess that you might have trouble finding a wife who is going to enjoy that much…</p>

17

<p>She is. Some of it is you guys figuring out the new relationship between you two as adults. She loves you, she wants to be in your life, but she is struggling to do it in the right way. </p>

<p>She sounds like my mother in law!</p>

18

<p>OP, I think she is over the top. Very far over the top. Out of line. </p>

<p>But it won’t do any good to argue. Go your own direction and pick your battles. For instance, the future is in the distance. If she thinks you’ll go to grad school in accounting, fine. You won’t, but at least it gets her off your back while you are an undergrad. </p>

<p>Likewise, let her make whatever plans for your life/marriage/geographical plans that she wants. Then go your own direction. When she’s making plans, you might even say something like “I can see you’ve put a lot of thought into this. Let’s see how it works out.”</p>

<p>Be thankful she let you go away to school. Because you are actually away most of the year, you won’t have to get as confrontational as you would if you were a commuting student. Nevertheless, you should get haircuts when you want and choose your own activities. Don’t let her badger you into activities you don’t want to do. When you get haircuts and she gets upset, tell her you are sorry she is upset but you like it this way and this is how you are going to wear it.</p>

<p>Try to wear clothes she likes when you are around her, and wear what you want when you are away. </p>

<p>I guess what I’m saying is, put your foot down little by little but don’t waste your energy arguing about the future. </p>

19

<p>Next time she complains about a color or hair style not looking good on you, just say, “thank you” and leave it at that. Do not engage in further conversation about it. If she says it again, jus keep saying, “thank you.” She can interpret it as you thanking her for the advice or as you sarcastically pointing out that normally one says thank you to compliments and hers is the opposite. Leave it ambiguous. </p>

20

<p>I’m with the few who think this mother is inappropriately involved and overly critical. I think it’s possible to understand the mother loves her child, yet begin to set some boundaries.</p>