Is my personal statement sufficient

<p>I am sending in my applicaiton along with my personal statement tomm.
I was wondering if there was room for improvement.</p>

<p>Growing up on a farm, I was brought into this world with the initiative to be successful. However, that is all I received from my farming experience. As I grew older, I had come to realize, farming is not the occupation for me. As I entered my teen years, I developed a great interest in the field of computers. For once, I was fascinated by something that could expand my intelligence to no boundary. My fascination with computers and the initiative to be successful helped me determine that a career in technology was everything I dreamed for.
In my early teenage years, I met the son, of the man, my aunt married. He was of Spanish decent. At first, I was apprehensive of going to talk to him. Little did I know he would engage me into the world of computers. His knowledge of computers was so fascinating to me. After meeting him, my life became focused around the latest and greatest technology that came out. Instead of interacting with my friends on the weekends, I stayed at home to learn as much as I could about hardware, software, and networking.
As I progressed through the years of my high school life, I realized that I could take some courses to expand my knowledge within the field. During my junior year, I took web design. This class taught me the importance in representing your company over the Internet. Now, as a senior, I am taking an A+ certification computer repair and networking class along with an independent study in graphics design. I have to say; I look forward to going to school, due to the fact that a lot of my learning focuses in the field of technology.<br>
Both of my parents have lived the normal middle class life. Which, in all actual reality is ok, because they have done a great job of raising my brother and I. However, I don’t want to live the normal middle class life. I have seen my parents struggle financial wise and I don’t want to continue in those footsteps. I am willing to work as hard as possible to get the education I need. With this education, I hope to lead a successful life performing every day activities that I enjoy.
I have my whole life ahead of me; I want to make the right choices. I feel that attending ISU will expand my knowledge and passion for technology. I cannot grasp the thought of doing anything else. I have worked diligently during high school, with intentions of attending a respectable institution close to home, comforting my family and myself. I feel capable of fulfilling my aspirations by attending ISU.</p>

<p>Very good, here are some stats</p>

<p>Harvard 86%
Yale 70%
Columbia - Match
Dartmouth - Safety
Georgetown - Safety</p>

<p>Interesting personal interest, but personally I thought that was just about the most boring personal statement I've ever read.</p>

<p>
[quote]
Growing up on a farm, I was brought into this world with the initiative to be successful.

[/quote]

The first sentence needs to be active, powerful, and interesting enough to draw the reader in. This is passive structure (bad) and awkward... "brought into this world" sounds better as "born" and "initiative to be successful" just sounds verbose.</p>

<p>You don't vary sentence structure at all... almost every construction of yours is
"As I... (something something)", I something something... start with something else. I feel like you are speaking in monotone.</p>

<p>You don't "engage" with someone "into the world of computers." Not only does this sound weird, but it is anachronistic to say that. There is no "world of computers" anymore because computers are everywhere. That's like saying the "world of Earth".</p>

<p>Nothing can "expand your intelligence with no boundary". Sorry.</p>

<p>Don't switch to using "your company", etc. Keep everything first-person.</p>

<p>Your sentence flow and syntax is choppy and awkward. Use more interesting verbs/adjectives/words in general.</p>

<p>I can see you have passion for your subject but it is something I have to assume because your statement reads like a robot. Your writing is not sophisticated. I wish you luck and can offer more suggestions but you need to SHOW not TELL about your passion and you need to stop making general statements and make interesting, unique ones.</p>

<p>I do not see how "initiative to be successful" is verbose what so ever at all. I'm sorry that i use a 1/2 large words.</p>

<p>nosx,
How on earth do you come up with those random % values?</p>

<p>lol made them up</p>

<p>besides the %, any other comments</p>

<p>drownindreams said mainly what I was going to say. A lot of awkward-sounding sentences and phrases INCLUDING "initiative to be successful" which is used TWICE in the first paragraph. There are certain word usage problems, most of which drownindreams pointed out already. Overall, though, the essay is boring. Maybe because it's not extremely well-written (again, because of the sentence structures and phrasing), but mostly because I never feel like it GOES anywhere... there's no dynamics in it. It's kind of a monotone narrative of your interest in technology (a topic that is quite boring by itself but its dullness is only increased by your style of writing). </p>

<p>Try a new topic maybe. Or write the same topic in a way that captures the reader instead of puts them to sleep. Try an introduction that brings the reader right into your life "I woke up at 5am on this Saturday morning, like all the others, to the racket made by the stirring farm animals..." (random suggestion, you can probably think of something much better than that since you've HAD the experience ;))</p>

<p>Then develop your essay, "After an afternoon of futile searching for that runaway cow, I realized that the farm life was not for me." Then talk about how you came upon technology. SHOW NOT TELL! :P</p>

<p>There is no "world of computers" anymore because computers are everywhere", this also confuses me, if they are everywhere, how is it not a world of computers</p>

<p>Yes, it's not very exciting. Put some sex and violence into it and perhaps a few cowboys/ninjas/pirates.</p>

<p>But seriously. You can make it more readable.</p>

<p>lol @ saturdayoracle</p>

<p>anyone else able to improve this essay or give suggestions?</p>

<p>This really needs a major rewrite. Poor structure, rambling narrative, lack of exposition, choppy transitions, grammatical errors....what can I say to convince you to redo the whole thing?</p>

<p>Try to pick one aspect of computer technology and show us why it is fascinating. Get the substance of your essay down on paper and then reshape the structure. Use some simpler sentences, like a news broadcaster, in order to communicate more directly with the reader. Worry about grammar as the last step; don't get bogged down by details early in the process.</p>