<p>The topic is: Is Consciousness a More Powerful Motivator Than Money, Power, or Fame?</p>
<p>One’s own conscience is a much more powerful tool than money, power, or fame. Having power may be nice, but one can never truly be happy until they follow their conscience. Oprah Winfrey exemplifies just how powerful one’s conscience really is. Another person who also whos his powerful conscience is Dikembe Motombo, a professional basketball player.</p>
<p>Even though Oprah Winfrey is rich and famous, she doesn’t let that get in the way of her true conscience. She consistently donates to the poor and has also recently built and paid for a new school in South Africa. Her conscience has told her that she doesn’t need all the money in the world and consequently others have greatly benefited from this.</p>
<p>Dikembe Motombo has also donated a great amount of money to the African tribes of which he was born. His conscience has overpowered his fame by telling him that it would behoove him to care about others. Not only have his donations helped save lives, but they have also led him to happiness.</p>
<p>Our conscience has proven time after time that it can overcome any obstacle. Having power, money, and fame without a true conscience will lead no one to an ambivalent life. Instead, one must trust his conscience to bring him the perspicacity to do what is right.</p>
<p>I also have a quick question - If I want to cross a sentence out after I have finished, and replace it with another, how can I do this? Can I cross it out and put an asterisk before the next sentence and right the sentence at the bottom of the page?</p>
<p>I also noticed that it was easier to defend the other side of the argument halfway I was writing this but I didn’t want to start over, so whatever. Thanks for feedback</p>
<p>Weak examples, and both of them said exactly the same thing. Low critical thinking and very short and basic. I am also confused over your use of the word ‘ambivalent’, either I am missing something or I don’t think you quite know what it means?</p>
<p>I’m sorry but I’d rather be honest with you than nice.</p>
<p>Personally, to replace sentences I cross it out and squeeze in the new one right above it. If by bottom of the page, you mean outside of the ruled box, then that writing will not be scored (and I’m assuming you mean that, since it doesn’t make sense to leave lines blank at the bottom).</p>
<p>I would probably give this a 3 out of 6. You need to go into more detail and support in your body paragraphs. Take the one about Oprah Winfrey. You’re trying to argue that her conscience is a more powerful motivator than money, power, or fame. Your only real support of your thesis in this paragraph is “Her conscience has told her that she doesn’t need all the money in the world and consequently others have greatly benefited from this.” This is not enough support. First, what is her “money, power, or fame”? She is one of the most famous and richest women in the nation; she has a popular television show; she has what appears to be part of the American dream. Now, what is the “motivator”? How is consciousness a motivator? You could say, for instance, that while she achieved success by gaining money, power, and fame, she felt the need to use that achievement to contribute to society. Her television shows and her generous donations stemmed from her consciousness, and…etc. Consciousness, then, is a more powerful motivator than money or fame because in the case of Oprah, consciousness motivates her to do something great, while money alone is only motivation to get money. Consciousness transcends money because it was Oprah’s consciousness that led her to positively change the world. Fame and power came along with this. </p>
<p>This contains real support. In your paragraph you said “Oprah donates lots of money. Her conscience tells her that she doesn’t need all the money in the world.” Well, what does that mean? Does that really get into the heart of the topic?</p>
<p>I also dislike how people generalize so much in these essays. In your introduction: “one can never truly be happy until they follow their conscience.” Like you, a high schooler, can make this statement! To make any statement like this, you have to support it. In a debate or argument, which this essay really is, you cannot say something just because it sounds good. It means absolutely nothing if you don’t back it up, and you don’t back that statement in your essay. So it’s much better to leave that sentence out.</p>