I believe the business field will best allow me to help my community, provide the best opportunity to leave a lasting impact, and will allow me to utilize my leadership skills.
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Syntactically it is off. “business field will [verb], [verb], and will [verb].” To maintain the parallelism omit the last “will” of the sentence.
I’m no English teacher but here are my two cents. Using “allow” twice without any structural purpose sounds off to me. you could try to merge the two by adding something like “and use my leadership skills” before the first comma.
I’m not admissions officer or editor (just another applicant) but I’d imagine that in the business field you need to have and use leadership skills. Stating it in your thesis seems redundant or that it adds nothing to the sentence. I think you should also mention the “how” you are going to do it. I could just simply replace “the business field” with “environmental engineering” and still make sense.
Actually you could rewrite the sentence like “I believe the business field will best allow me to help my community and leave a lasting impact by [insert the how].”
Depending on where you are applying, it may be too generic. It seems like something that a lot of people would write. If you can’t back it up with concrete, personal examples, then it might be risky. Also, the tone and structure are very academic in nature. College application essays are not meant to be research reports; they need to flow. Depending on the prompt, a narrative approach might serve you better – in the end, though, just make sure you demonstrate your intellectual curiosity and passion for the field through your tone of voice as well as the content of the essay.
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