Is this a good intro?

College Essays
1

<p>Just working on it and I’m leading it into a goal of going into the computer science field
Any feedback will help thanks
Describe the world you come from — for example, your family, community or school — and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.</p>

<p>We were all sitting around the table playing Risk examining our pieces; I questioned who I was going to try and team up with this game and what strategy I was going to use to win. Though every game was different I always outlined what goals I wanted to accomplish, collaborated with another player, and took into account the best strategies that others had. I was forced to think critically about every plan I made such as is it flexible or what happens if I attack another player. Playing this game with my family directly shaped me because I had to have a plan, be flexible, make critical decisions, and be open to new ideas if I wanted to win.</p>

2

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<p>Too much telling-not-showing. Be a little more subtle.</p>

<p>Some suggestions:</p>

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<p>You need more of a transition between this sentence and the next one…something that indicates you played Risk frequently. </p>

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3

<p>Thank you so much
In short cut out fluff and use connotations?</p>

4

<p>Basically, the idea behind the last sentence should come across when they read the essay without you having to say it explicitly. You shouldn’t reveal everything in the first paragraph…it’s just an introduction, and there should be a reason to read beyond it. </p>

<p>Also, I’d recommend not using the word “critical” twice in the same paragraph like this.</p>

5

<p>Codinglife, I’m guessing you didn’t read <a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/college-essays/255610-posting-essays-other-sensitive-information.html[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/college-essays/255610-posting-essays-other-sensitive-information.html&lt;/a&gt; before you posted your essay here?</p>

6

<p>Ok I think I can make that happen thanks a bunch!
Also you don’t mind me using the suggestions you gave me? Or should I reword them so it’s not plagiarism</p>

7

<p>No I didn’t… I guess I kinda assumed which is a bad thing
So I should have someone message me for the essay when I need help?</p>

8

<p>That’s what I would do.</p>

<p>Spend enough time on College Confidential, and you’ll find plenty of people asking for essay help, and sending their drafts by private message.</p>

<p>But you won’t be able to send private messages until you have a (pretty low) minimum post count. I think it might be 15.</p>

9

<p>I’m not the best of writers so I don’t feel I’d be a useful editor, how can I increase posts without cheating the system(by cheating I mean like randomly posting which I don’t want to do)?</p>

10

<p>^Chance people in their chances thread, perhaps?</p>

11

<p>Hmm that sounds like a good idea thanks!</p>