Like most engineers, I have always been curious about the functioning mechanisms behind the many objects we use in our daily lives. I find Physics and Maths the most intriguing subjects and in which I excel, leading me to pursue a career in engineering. This field is one that influences almost all man-made creations and operations, from cars, trains and turbines in power stations to space rockets, satellites, mobile phones and the components that power medical equipment. Friends and teachers describe me as a logical thinker yet I often find unique solutions to physics problems. The broad range of career paths, and the opportunity to contribute to society through technological innovation, is for me, two of the main attractions of mechanical engineering.
I didn’t want to have a career that I lost interest in and ultimately didn’t enjoy. I was drawn to engineering because It is always changing. Once one problem is solved, you face another problem, possibly completely different from the last, and the changing nature of your work makes it more challenging and enjoyable. Before choosing this field, I have done a lot of research, from courses I will be taking in your college to job opportunities of this field.
Unlike other fields, Mechanical Engineers can see and feel what they study in their subjects, they easily imagine and visualize whatever they learn.They know how every engine works around us. I chose Mechanical Engineering over other fields because it is the art to design an engine suited to your standards and riches.
I have always loved cars when I was young. I didn’t understand what connects the car with its battery, fuel, and engine. I spent a lot of time taking things apart my car toys and figuring how they worked. I loved the mechanism of cars. I started to draw cars and used to make plastic and wooden car models, then started to make cars working by electric motors. Since that time, I saw my future as being a Mechanical Engineer.
During high school, I have developed many skills, including collaboration, time management, and communication. I have managed my time between studying, doing activities, and doing home works. I had good communication skills with my teachers and friends. These skills together have helped me a lot in my high school progress, and which I will continue doing them in colleges.
My involvement in soccer as a player has helped me to develop skills in teamwork. As a team game, It is important that every one works together, which is also important for engineers. I also have a strong attraction to chess. My enrollment in the school chess club has helped me to tackle problems in a more logical and strategic attitude. By learning those skills in playing soccer and chess, I hope to apply them in Engineering.
I want to be a Mechanical Engineer because I want to change the world. I want to be part of an industry that can shift the goalposts of what is possible, and to work respectfully and creatively across disciplines, to provide real solutions to real human needs.I want to gain knowledge by attending university, which will help me accomplish my goals. Upon graduation from your university, I would like to pursue a graduate degree in my field. I will be working in a good company to get more experiences, then I will open my own company which will change the world, and will be the most innovative company ever seen.
Be careful about posting your essays in this public space. I’d move the last paragraph up to the first. Lead with the punch line, “I want to be a Mechanical Engineer because I want to change the world.” and/or Start with a surprising sentence that gets the reader’s attention.
After doing that… Is it a good essay?
It reads more like a personal statement for UK Universities.
What universities would you apply for and what “prompt” does that answer?
I got lost after the first few sentences. It started to sound like a commercial. Move the 3rd paragraph to the front. Keep the last parapgraph. Retool if not remove the first 2 paragraphs.
I am going to apply to US colleges
They ask for “Personal statement”
And for coomon application prompt 1
No, it doesn’t work for Common Application prompt 1.
That essay requires you to tell little stories, as if you were speaking of a fictional character,except you must tell the truth,and speak about yourself, your experiences, that shape who you are and show how you’ll contribute to your college.
This essay says very little that’s personal or interesting about you. It is painful to read. It seems like an advertising poster for the profession of Mechanical Engineering in a career placement office.
You are approaching this this all wrong. Stop treating it like a resume for a job interview. Approach it like a social introduction to someone who might be a new friend.
You don’t need to brag about your accomplishments, or rationalize about how your extracurricular activities support for intended career. Just share a story about something funny or sad or silly or exciting that you did or experienced that makes you memorable as a human being. And make sure it’s not boring to read.
The guideline is “Show, not just tell.” What you’ve written is more like a professional statement than a college app personal one. The colleges are looking for the attributes they value, not an explanation of what you want to do. And the higher you are aiming for colleges, the more they want to see in you what will make you an interesting part of their campus community, not your post-grad goals.
And please, Do Not Say you “want to change the world.” Lots and lots of engineering wannabes say that, it’s ridiculously overdone-- and can come across as very empty, if you’ve done little or nothing to try to change your own community.
You need to rework the essay, to be of more benefit to your apps. Write a nice little tale that brings you to life, ‘shows’ how you tackle a challenge, interact, grow. Go back and read up on what your college targets really look for.
ps. a lot of engineering is routine. It’s exciting to the right sorts of minds, but kids don’t realize it;s not all glamorous, every month.
Here’s an example of an essay that got the candidate into 5 Ivy League schools plus Stanford:
This essay has absolutely nothing to do with career choice. It’s just a paints a vivid picture of what this person is like as a human being.
Just saying: omg, I hate that essay.
“It also didn’t hurt that Stinson had a 4.0 GPA, took eight Advanced Placement classes, was the vice president of the Science Honors Society and the president of the National Honors Society at her school. The teen said she also volunteers at a local hospital and worked with a University of Delaware professor on a genetics research project.”
A STEM gal.
In general, the safer bet is to stick with an interesting and relevant narrative that shows lots of good about you.
Essays for Engineering programs might not expect the narrative that other programs do… In my experience people with an Engineering brain (for lack of a better way of putting it) aren’t typically the most creative - they’re more literal. So I can see why this essay is written so literally. And it may be accepted by who’s reading its w/o an eye bat. Who knows…
So - some advice on THIS essay:
- Watch your tenses.
- paragraph 1 - “I find Physics and Maths the most intriguing subjects and in which I excel,” - reword this
- paragraph 1 - Friends and teachers describe me as a logical thinker yet (add comma between thinker and yet)
- The capitals may be off - sometimes yes and sometimes no for Engineering - double check this.
- para 2 - I didn’t want to have a career that I lost interest in and ultimately didn’t enjoy. - This is what I’m talking about with tenses. Why is this past tense? You haven’t started your career yet, I presume… ?
- para 2 - from courses I will be taking in your college - take out “your”
- para 4 - “I have always loved cars when I was young” - tenses again… or weird wording. I’ve loved car since I was young… perhaps? This brings up another point - I would make this a little more conversational and less stilted/formal - change some of your phrases to contractions. Read this out loud. If you speak this way, leave it. If not… tighten it up a bit.
- para 5 - and doing home works. doing homework. I would personally leave out this whole paragraph. Or think about coming 5 and 6
- para 6 - " also have a strong attraction to chess." - I also really love chess. Something much less stilted here.
- para 7 - “I want to be a Mechanical Engineer because I want to change the world.” Agree with others. Strike this whole sentence and it flows fine started with the 2nd sentence.
The one thing I would say is this reads like a cover letter. And that may work for the program you’re applying to - may even be required. But I would (as I said above) read it out loud, try to inject some of your tone in it, a little personality so the reader is drawn in and write something in it that sets it apart from the other essays they’ll be reading. Every person that is applying to the Engineering program could write what you just did. Add something here to help them remember you. Even if it’s just one sentence. Hook them. Start with something like, “When I took apart my parents car and they came home to a pile of parts in the driveway, my future career was cinched…” (Obviously not that sentence b/c it’s off the cuff but something LIKE that.)
And good luck.
Thanks alot “traport” you are the only one who helped me.
I am going to fix all the passage.
Thanks again, I appreciate it.
Actually, posts #6, 7, 8, 9 help you more than traport, who did a lot of work but on an essay you CANNOT use. You MUST scrap this entire essay and start anew. Go to the website EssayHell to read good examples of essays.
MYOS is right. This is the Common App big essay we’re talking about. Not an engineering school supplement to answer Why Engineering.
OP, do you have any real experience in engineering? And what tier or type of colleges are you aiming at?
Google “Johns Hopkins essays that worked” for some solid examples of the American application essay style.
Please be careful with posting your personal essays on the internet. If you were to submit this, you’d probably have your app thrown away because of plagiarism (I know you posted it, but the college admissions office wouldn’t).