<p>“Every form of art has its merits, but none can do what music does. One phrase can spawn emotions of deepest sadness or absolute elation. One song can conjure memories of the past, can transport one into an alternate state of mind, can inspire someone to attain the greatest of accomplishments. There is nothing like music in this world.”</p>
<p>My main doubt is the line “none can do what music does”. Does that sound too…elementary? Also does the first line make it sound like I’m saying music is not a form of art?
Also should I stick an “and” after “state of mind,”</p>
<p>You’re probably going to hate me because I’m not answering the questions in your post at first, but rather the one in the title of your post:</p>
<p>In my opinion, this opening is too broad. Rather than starting with a philosophical paragraph about music, draw me in. Start with YOURSELF. I read this paragraph, and I feel kind of “Oh, okay. Now I know what their whole essay is about. Moving on.” Try starting with a paragraph or sentence that maybe is perplexing, that raises questions in the reader’s mind, maybe an in media res start. Don’t spoil your own essay with the first paragraph.</p>
<p>I read more than fifty essays each year, and I almost always suggest for the writer to cut the first paragraph. Why? They always give the moral of the story in the first paragraph, then jump into the action or conflict in the second. This essay isn’t an analytical essay or a research paper - you don’t need a “roadmap” of the paper in the beginning.</p>
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<p>That being said, if you do really want to use this first paragraph… assuming that your essay has a very formal tone like the rest of this paragraph, “none can do what music does” is fine. It sounds fine (it doesn’t make it sound like you’re saying that music isn’t a form of art). For the “and”, either with or without is fine, so do whatever think makes it flow better. Personally, I say no “and”, but cut the second and third "can"s.</p>
<p>I hope this feedback all makes sense.</p>
<p>@LAMuniv
No this is good feedback! I was actually debating between this paragraph and another that pertains directly to me, but I thought this one sounded a bit fancier so I’d figure I’d use it, which I guess isn’t always the best option.
Thanks for the reply!</p>