<p>My son left for college about two weeks ago. I was anxious about his choice, because it is in a large city, and although he has been out in cities many many times, it is not this one, and he was never there very late. He does not seem to worry about coming and going from clubs, restaurants, apartments, etc. int his new city as late as 3 or 4 in the morning. There is no central dorm location, so he is basically often by himself coming home so late. I am having trouble sleeping at night, because I am so worried about him.</p>
<p>I had many concerns about him attending an urban school, because he is the type of boy that has always wanted go to whatever social event was going on. He has never liked to stay home, and I had concerns that when no one was monitoring him, that he would simply go out every single night. He has been doing that, but much later than I thought, and I know he is drinking too. He had a lot of freedom at home too, but did have a curfew of midnight most nights. Sometimes I would say that he had to stay in to catch up on sleep, since he was on the computer until 2 or so anyway. Now there is no one to tell him what to do, and I am afraid he is going to get into a dangerous situation. I just don’t know what parents of students at other urban universities/colleges do. We can’t prevent our kids from going out, but how about kids who want to be out till all hours every night? As the person paying the bills, do I get a say in the matter?</p>
<p>I also worry that he is spending money every night. It is his money that he has earned (he is using his own money for entertainment), and he seems not to be phased at all by how he is burning through it. I thought he would consider how long it took to earn, and use some discretion about what he is spending, but he doesn’t seem to be doing that.</p>
<p>So I don’t know what to do. Do I just close my eyes, and hope for the best? Is this normal fall semester behavior? I have said a couple of things to him, but he doesn’t seem to care. I don’t want to alienate him, but I don’t want to end up so anxious that my own sleeping is disturbed every night.</p>
<p>As far as his money is concerned – it’s his money, and if he burns through it quickly, he’ll learn something from that experience. Better he should burn through his summer/part-time job earnings at age 18 and learn a lesson now, than get into real trouble with money when he’s older and it’s more serious.</p>
<p>As far as his wandering the streets at all hours, I would be concerned about that. Does his school provide safety tips for navigating the city? Are there guide books for his new city that include such tips that you could send him? Are there older students whom you know who have navigated this school already, who could advise your son? If I were you, I’d try these gentle methods of educating him, since you can’t actually tell him what to do. (If you do, he’ll probably just ignore you.)</p>
<p>Sailaway - I feel for you. I think your anxiety is perfectly normal. My daughter is at a school in the middle of nowhere, with a car and living in a sorority. I worry about her partying too much and not enough on her schoolwork, driving out of town, and her safety at frat parties. We have an agreement with her not to take the car outside of college town, she has to keep her GPA at a certain level in order to live in the sorority. We speak with her often, so I have a pretty good idea on what goes on at those parties, and what she does to make sure it is safe for her.</p>
<p>Your concern is more about your son’s safety on staying out so late and coming home by himself. I think your concern is valid. Maybe some parents on CC with kids going to school in NYC could give you some tips on how to handle it.</p>
<p>Feedom is a good thing to build confidence, but without structure unlimted freedom can pose problems. THe main issue is that college is the functional equivalent of buying a franchise for a business. Many kids going to a new area have great experiences dfferent form where they grew up. The problem arises when too much freedom lets them forget that they are there for a purpose. Kids who forget that getting the degree is the goal not the pastime in between parties rarely graduate. If you son is going down that path I would make sure you reel him in a bit so long as you are paying the bills. If he is doing fine academically and that is not an issue, I would only say most kids do the same thing to some extent. They have to decide what they want to do for a carrer and where they want to live and NYC is intoxicating as if offers so many things to do 24 hours a day. If it were my child I would give them a little leeway until grades come in. I would give them reasonable expectations for performance and make it clear that grades are tied to your willingness to front costs and like Ronald Reagn said - “Trust but verify” that they are really working at being a student first. When I went to college so very long ago- I remember my schock at seeing my first semester grades dip becuase of all the fredom I had and at least for me I knew at the moment I got my first grades I had to actually work hard to maintain averages. As a parent I know the hardest thing you can do is place limits or expectations on your child even at college, but in the end it is in their best interest. It does not matter if they are brilliant or average as I have seen both types crash and burn by having too much fun and too little school. Good Luck</p>
<p>We require our daughter to work 10 hours a week. With her schoolwork, dance schedule, work and her sorority obligations, it leaves her with very little time to party (definitely not on weeknights). Her current admirer is complaining lack of time from her. Maybe once schoolwork picks up, your son would have less time to go out if he wants to keep up his grades.</p>
<p>Definitely set a minimum GPA that he must achieve in order for you to keep paying tuition.
Does the school offer any escorts or shuttle service or does he go too far afield to take advantage of those? Why is he always alone? Does he not have others in the college to go out with? Safety in numbers, and all that.</p>
<p>I understand your concern. My daughter attended an urban college that had a rep for not being the safest. What I found is that the kids do learn fairly quickly which areas are ok and which ones are not, but, college age or not, no one should be out alone at 2am in an unfamiliar city, especially after drinking. It’s common sense. How do we give our kids common sense? It’s pretty tough.<br>
I have no answers. Guys tend to be more nonchalant about walking alone at night than girls, and I doubt that mom’s nagging from far away will help. If you show too much concern, he’s likely to stop sharing his comings and goings. Maybe that would be a good thing, for your nerves, I don’t know. :(</p>
Maybe once schoolwork picks up, your son would have less time to go out if he wants to keep up his grades.</p>