<p>Great idea. Why not suggest that you’d like to join them at the movie? Or have her over for dinner along with some other lonely friends? In other words, take your husband at his word that she is friendless and new to the area. If you partner these invitations with a frank talk with your husband about your discomfort with the date-like excursions, I think you’ll get a clearer idea of what’s what.</p>
<p>My girlfriend’s ex-H invited his then GF to one of their dinner parties. He introduced her as a co-worker to everyone at the party. It was how she found out H was having an affair.</p>
<p>I believe an attraction could be fostered at lunches just as easily as at dinner if it’s 1:1.</p>
<p>I fell in love with a coworker once and rarely saw him outside the office at night. We were single but both dating other people. It happens. </p>
<p>We’ve been married for over 20 years now. </p>
<p>Over the years, I’ve seen many work “friendships” develop into romantic relationships. I believe your husband needs to stop with the lunches, dinners, and any other 1:1 activities now. Even if his motives are pure, he’s just asking for trouble as hers may not be, or she might just be particularly vulnerable at this point in her life.</p>
<p>You and your husband about to be empty nesters - this could make your husband feel “old” and this woman’s attention could make him feel younger again. It also creates a void for both of you and different people react differently to this. If your kids went on outings that you did not want to, then yes, you need to go back to how it was before kids, and do things that you might not love so much because he does.</p>
<p>You also need to go back to actually speaking with each other in ways that you might have stopped doing in the child-raising years. If this bothers you then you need to tell him. Whether it’s innocent or not, if it bothers you he needs to stop or have you join in on their “outings.”</p>
<p>Need help. Need to get over insecurity. Husband is in management a woman was enjoying being husband’s best employee. However she started complaining about her husband and started sending inappropriate texts to my husband. When I found out about what I consider inappropriate behavior, husband did not realize path I felt he was headed towards with employee. Husband stopped personal attention/lunches/jokes etc. This happened after several serious arguments between H and I. Divorce was brought up, neither one of us could live with tension etc Husband felt since he did nothing wrong and is honest I should not be worried. Husband is a very honest caring person, probably his best quality. He cannot stand drama/ whining Increased communication has led to better marriage. Employee quit after 1-2 months no attention. Last week she contacted him not about business. They have had to talk on phone about old deals. I knew she would try something this week and do not trust her. He told me about text when I questioned if she had contacted, husband couldn’t lie. How do I get rid of jealous feelings that I let put me in a slump. I then need reassurance and this causes a strain on husband. Husband does not believe employee was after his attention. He states she is like a man and so the texts about her being drunk at a bar with men wanting her was just man talk.
I trust husband, know he loves me, enjoy new closeness. Resent the positive way he thought of her. Help me with ways to get over insecurity please. Too embarrassed to ask closest friends— would also not be fair to husband to discuss with people he knows</p>
<p>I agree with jasmom’s suggestion. Including the woman in a group may well derail any burgeoning intimacy and might genuinely help her if she is really new to the area and seeking friends. In the case of my own marriage–two separate busy careers with lots of business travel for both of us–I would not worry about lunch, dinner, a museum trip, whatever if it were a one-time casual thing or happened in a work-related context like a conference. But I would worry if my H were making a habit of one-on-one, date-like encounters with a particular female friend, whatever the venue or time of day, and I wouldn’t behave this way with a male colleague.</p>
<p>*He states she is like a man and so the texts about her being drunk at a bar with men wanting her was just man talk. *</p>
<p>Right
:rolleyes:</p>
<p>EK I agree. My thought was she was putting out hints. If she really was “innocent” in her actions she would not have quit so soon after husband switched to all business. I also thnk she was hoping h would stop her from leaving. I think her “reach out” text last week verified my gut feelings. Which is what I told h. I say she is a married woman who needs to stop seeking attention, she acts like a 16 yr. She is mid 50’s, married to wealthy man-married for $. My problem now is I feel I need reassurance because everytime something such as the text I start questioning h and he gets upset. I have told h I take responsibility for not askng about his work so he coud vent. He had stated that work was stressful and wanted to be able to relax at home. Unfortunately she realized h needed to vent and she encouraged him, she would bring up topics that bothered him and agree with him. I suppose I want an apology for the mean things he said during arguments. I did contact a therapist after I posted. I wont happen Hope to learn some skills from her. H knows I made appt for self. Thanks for letting me vent.</p>
<p>In all honesty it doesn’t matter if H thinks you are being insecure or unreasonable. Respecting your wishes, making you comfortable, as his wife, should be more important than a friendship with this new woman. The fact that she is new to the area and has not met people is not his, or your, concern. By having dinners, lunches, or going to museums with her, H is keeping her from meeting people who may be available for a relationship.</p>
<p>H needs to understand that nothing positive is being gained from this relationship, and there is a good deal of negative aspects. He doesn’t have to understand, he needs to respect.</p>
<p>his woman is new to the area, “friendless” etc
It isn’t your H responsibility to be a friend- he knows this.</p>
<p>I also agree that she sounds not like someone to be friends with - does her husband know what she is doing? Why would a married woman be drunk at a bar with men?</p>
<p>No offense guys, but men sometimes are idiots and they can’t see what is all around them- kinda like the frog in a pan of water that is gradually being heated. They won’t jump out cause they dont realize what is happening until they are cooked.</p>
<p>Dear Birdiemom,
You deserve an apology from your H concerning hurtful comments during an argument. I truly hope he can feel remorseful and be expressive with his regret. I fear your jealousy of this woman will poison you. I admire your H for thinking the best of her intentions. This tells me he is kind and looks for the positive (even if naively) and gives me hope that you have a caring H. The truth is, that married people are attracted to other people all the time. Your H was willing to alter his behavior toward her (all business) to make you feel more secure! How wonderful a gesture that is. Why would you want your H to think badly about another person? If he begins to think or act badly toward her (projecting malicious intentions) he may begin to treat you the same way! I love seeing my H treat all people kindly, even more graciously than I might think they deserve, because it keeps him sweet and compassionate. As his wife, and daily companion, I benefit the most from his kindness! Your H’s graciousness toward his co-worker (even if she was interested in him) does not equate with less love toward you. Kindness is not limited. I believe kindness breeds kindness. Why worry about her? Concentrate on cultivating your H’s heart. The more positive connections you have with him, the less likely he will be to act on his attractions to other women (attractions happen ALL the TIME!! and it just drives me nuts when women hate/blame the other women for this 
From your own account, I think you are lucky to have a husband who is willing to alter his behavior in order to bring you comfort. I say celebrate him!</p>
<p>Just want to clarify that my original post of 8/8 and Birdiemom’s #25 are two different stories/situations posted by two different people!</p>
<p>The names sound similar–I hope people are not confusing the two. :)</p>
<p>Dear bonniemom,</p>
<p>Perhaps I am confused about how to post a reply to Birdiemom, but my intention was to reply to her post!</p>
<p>I hope you can also focus positively on your husband and not put too much blame on the co-worker your husband wants to spend time with. There are plenty of people (including a few on this board) who who do not find it suspicious that co-workers or friends of the opposite sex go out and have fun. Furthermore…perhaps it is a platonic experience for the woman while it is your husband who is sexually attracted to her? What if he is driving these “dates”? Why do wives immediately think the other woman is preying on their H? We can not know what the other woman is thinking and I caution you against judging her unfairly. That said, your gut is telling you that you are uncomfortable. Talk to your H. honestly and I suspect he will reciprocate. Talk about you and him. Resist the urge to shift responsibility to his co-worker. I am uncomfortable with the term “nip it in the bud”. Your H is a human being in need of love, support and understanding. An urge to “nip it in the bud” smacks of coercion and willfulness. A marriage is a mutual partnership entered into freely. Congratulations on preparing you children for college! You and your H have a wonderful opportunity to lavish each other with love, respect and attention! I would be mindful not to begin this new phase together with mandated behavior. Really, you would judge another person for being spotted out to dinner with a person of the opposite sex? And even lose respect for his wife? I honestly find this troubling and hope I am misunderstanding your intentions.</p>
<p>Dear Pepperpowers,
You are correct. Husband is honorable and we did become closer in every way. I needed someone to explain exactly what you did. OP sorry for the highjack I wanted help from those who had responded to you so kindly.</p>
<p>Furthermore…perhaps it is a platonic experience for the woman while it is your husband who is sexually attracted to her?</p>
<p>So are the texts about being drunk at a bar/men wanting her coming from the woman or are they coming from birdiemoms spouse?</p>
<p>Texts were to my (Birdiemom’s)husband. He didn’t delete them, I now believe he thought nothing of them and didn’t have any reason to hide them. Sorry Bonniemom.</p>
<p>Dear Emerald Kitty–I’m pretty sure the texts you are referring to were to the other poster’s H.</p>
<p>No text msgs. involved in my story, pepperpowers!</p>
<p>I went back and doublechecked to be sure!</p>
<p>Bonniemom, without inferring anything about your particular situation, I’ll throw in an apparently minority opinion. My husband of 23 years has female friends (both married and single) and it’s fine with me when he sees them under whatever circumstances. We each have some separate interests and separate friends, not that either of us has much time…Re another poster’s quote from a counselor who advised a couple to develop common interests instead of socializing with opposite-sex friends - of course it’s important to have as much common ground as possible with your spouse, but no one can or should be everything to another human. While sexual and/or emotional infidelity happens all the time, many friendships and social relationships involve neither.</p>