Is this appropriate?

Parent Cafe
41

<p>Yes certainly it is possible to be friends in an non sexual manner- if your partner is comfortable with the relationship, if you are honest about the relationship ( including to yourself) & if you are always clear that the primary relationship is between you and your partner.</p>

<p>It is also very possible to pursue non shared interests by yourself.
I have gone river rafting by myself ( with a group), I go listen to live music fairly often by myself and many of my volunteer commitments are not with my H.
But when it gets into finding others to do those things with, that can get into dangerous territory, as you need to define- " making time for your own interests" as opposed to " “making time for other people”.
Being that we all have limited time available.</p>

42

<p>You may want to consider why your husband is doing this…have things become stale or are you both in a rut. Do you both like the same type of foods, movies, museums? If you are finding yourself not wanting to do some of the things that your husband enjoys than maybe you could make the plans and the two of you could do these things together.</p>

<p>I would have a big problem with my husband going to dinner, movies or a museum with any woman. Is this something new or has he had to do this sort of thing for business before? Also, the woman is a pig and should know when to stay away but your husband should also be made aware that he is causing a problem between you. I hope all goes well but I would not stand by and watch this coming. Let him know that you are not happy about it and ask if he would like to attend therapy with you.</p>

43

<p>Bonniemom, A few suggestions:</p>

<h1>1 Pack Husband a lunch "Oh, I’m sorry but I’m eating lunch in my office to get some extra work done"he’ll tell her,…her reaction should speak volumes to him. A woman who is just friendly will respect his time, a woman with ulterior motives will probably try to cajole him into going out.</h1>

<h1>2…Friendless co-worker should be pointed to Craigslist and the ‘personal platonic’ looking for friendships column. Yes, it’s not your job to be her personal Welcome Wagon, but perhaps you can let her know about events in the community where she may be able to broaden her circle. Also, I would join them in the museum trips, movies whatever. Remember you have MORE in common with husband than this co-worker. You have children with this man, she does not. Make sure to show husband lots of attention during said outings. Turn to husband and mention any single bachelor you might know and say, “hmm, don’t you think ‘friendless’ might like Jerry? We should arrange a double or blind date for them”. She’ll get the message soon enough.</h1>

<h1>3…stay on top of your relationship. Go to the gym together, surprise him at work and take him out to lunch, get tickets for the local theater event, call him as he heads home from work and ask him to meet you at a local restaurant for drinks. Dress nicely, look attractive, keep yourself up. In other words, make him want to come home to YOU!</h1>

<p>Best of luck!</p>

44

<p>I’ll join the minority camp on this one. It is very very common in my workplace for people to have platonic opposite-gender friendships. No one here would blink twice if a married (wo)man had lunch on a regular basis with a single, uncommited (wo)man. Friendships for single people aren’t limited to other singles, or married people who are the same sex as the single person. </p>

<p>The OP’s gut reaction trumps all this. If she feels something’s off, then she and her husband need to discuss that. </p>

<p>The tone of some of the comments here about the “other” woman is, well, vicious. She might be romantically interested in the OP’s husband…but she might just see him as a friend. Calling her a woman with no morals or a pig is totally over the top.</p>

45

<p>Calling her a woman with no morals or a pig is totally over the top.</p>

<p>I didn’t catch the posts that said that- but what is your take on a married woman who texts a married man ( not her husband) that she is drunk @ a bar surrounded by guys who " want her" ?</p>

<p>Seems like she should be calling for a cab, not a shoulder.</p>

46

<p>ek, it’s hard to keep the conversations straight. The no morals/pig comments were about bonniemom’s husband’s coworker. The text messages were from birdiemom’s husband’s (former) coworker. Yeah, a cab would be a better call than a shoulder. There was a definite employee/employer line that got crossed there. Gender and marital status is the least of it–I can’t imagine sending a text like that to ANY of my managers, even the ones I socialize with. Ugh!</p>

47

<p>Minority here too.</p>

<p>First, I wouldn’t worry about how things looked to others ever. I wouldn’t find it disrespectful if my H did things with another woman, single or married, if circumstances arose.</p>

<p>He photographs women all the time. (Not nude, not porn.) Some of the women are quite beautiful. Some of the ass’t photographers are quite admiring of him and young and attractive.</p>

<p>I really can’t imagine having to worry about any of this, just as I can’t imagine him having to worry about me eating with, or even going to a bar or movie with a male colleague. College professors schedules are weird. We do hang out together between classes sometimes.</p>

<p>I would be very hurt if he worried about me.</p>

<p>The greatest threat to our marriage came from men who wormed their way into my H’s business and had to discredit me before H trusted them. It was a bad time.</p>

<p>That doesn’t mean I don’t want him to have lunch or dinner with a guy friend (just not those guy friends, obviously.)</p>

<p>Trust is really all there is. If it is violated the relationship mends or it doesn’t, but I refuse to police my own marriage. If some change person comes by and thinks H is having an affair with one of his young assistants, so be it.</p>

<p>In the past I have taught women’s studies, and I know that some people assumed I was a lesbian, because all the feminists they knew were lesbians. My first H and I shared an apartment with my best friend to make ends meet. We had one bedroom, and she had the other. No lines were ever crossed, but I know some people imagined some pretty wild doings that were absolutely never happening…</p>

<p>Didn’t bother me, and still doesn’t, and I am still friendly with this lovely woman.</p>

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<p>Since my H is a rather socially clueless (engineer) type (as many men are, as emeraldk has said) I had to spend some time educating him in the ways of some women. I had a “friend” back in my twenties whom I watched purposely seduce an older man, wreck his marriage and tear apart his family. I had a rather closer friend who preferred affairs with married men to dating single men her own age. It takes all kinds. </p>

<p>I didn’t marry until my early thirties. I’m not naive in the ways some people (women are no exception) get their jollies. What might be disrespectful and shocking to me is just part of getting through the day for many people. I don’t care if that’s what they choose to do—just keep your hands off my family!</p>

<p>Thanks for all the advice here. I think a big part of it has been the empty nest thing (as some posters mentioned) and no, I am also not so naive as to not think a part of him was flattered by the attention. But it’s been nipped–bagged lunch every day…no more talk of plans. She does seem to have moved on, in any event.</p>

<p>I do count myself as lucky that this is the first time in all our marriage where the thought that something might be up has even occurred to me. Blessed indeed, actually.</p>

49

<p>I am happy you have the outcome you want. Congratulations!</p>

50

<p>The bottom line is respect and what the partners in the committed relationship are comfortable with. I had a HS friend. We had been toally platonic friends for about a dozen years until he met & married his wife. His wife did NOT want him to have any relationship with me, even though I was happily married. We both respected this, though I personally have never understood it. Both hubby & I have relationships with others–married and single of both genders. I have shared meals with them sometimes, chauferred them around when they were visiting from out of town, and more. I have never considered cheating on him & I don’t believe he has ever considered cheating on me either. We will be celebrating our silver anniversary next year.</p>

<p>By the way, we have maintained friendly relationships with our ex BFs and GFs. It has worked out fine for us. We are all different.</p>

51

<p>Bravo Bonniesmom, glad things are looking up. Stay on top of things and you’ll really start enjoying that empty nest! ;-)</p>

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<p>Bonniemom, it sounds like things have resolved well for you two and that’s great.</p>

<p>Just wanted to say that I agree with others that it’s fine to have friends of the opposite sex if you’re married (and straight). IF your marriage is healthy, IF your H is not going through a mid-life crisis, and IF you and your spouse are loving and attentive to each other. Those are some pretty big IF’s, and all marriages are vulnerable at one time or another. It’s like Rome though – what threatens a marriage starts on the inside usually. It’s what’s lacking within the marriage that makes a spouse vulnerable. I speak from personal experience here. I’ll leave it at that.</p>

<p>Bonniemom, I hope this serves as a wake-up call for you and your H to really treasure your marriage. Even though it’s quite possible that your H was perfectly innocent, if a bit naive, perhaps this will provoke him to prioritize you (and your feelings) more.</p>

53

<p>As others have said, the issue is your husband not the other woman. She’s not responsible for your marriage, your husband is. Younger women will not be ruining your marriage- problems in your marriage and your husband’s ways of coping with it will. I should also add that a single woman is no more a threat than a married woman (in fact when they are both married it might be easier to cheat together). </p>

<p>Both my husband and I are professors. We both have friends, colleagues, and coauthors, of the opposite sex. We would never in a million years care about each other having lunch with someone we work with of either sex. And I have never actually encountered someone who was married at work who could not do lunch with a person of the opposite sex on principle (someone’s gender and marital status are not relevant- we work with friends period and it would be bizarre if somehow we had to have lines between the genders). </p>

<p>As for dinner and other outings, it entirely depends on so many contextual factors: were you invited? was there a reason you or others could not go? do you know this person as a friend? did anyone else join them? how frequent is it? does he go out with other friends without you? was your spouse upfront about it from the get go? </p>

<p>I know my husband will visit and stay with his female coauthors and vice versa, and they go to conferences together and have long phone meetings together. They commiserate about work stuff and reviewer problems in a way I could not participate. Likewise I have male coauthors and colleagues, and get together with them at conferences for lunch or out for dinner. But in both cases, we know each others’ colleagues personally, or hear many stories about them, they call the house, they stay with us when they come to town. In these cases, it doesn’t ‘mean’ anything. I guess I’m trying to give examples of the ‘it depends’ here.</p>

<p>I trust my spouse; and if they are going to cheat, my controlling and monitoring isn’t going to stop it. Although my controlling and monitoring behavior might make me feel better, it might also hurt my marriage and isnt’ fair to my spouse. I want my spouse to have freedom that trust brings and I want to treat my spouse the way I want to be treated. Controlling and monitoring do not stop affairs- it only buries the evidence so you no longer feel suspicious. And it treats your spouse like a child- hardly a way to keep a happy marriage. </p>

<p>Having said all this, however, let me add that I know people do cheat. In fact it is why I divorced my ex husband (having an affair with someone at work). It never occurred to me that him travelling to conferences with her was in any way a threat but it was. Despite how horrific that was, me making a fuss about them together would not have made a dint in what happened (turned out they mostly got together in the early morning before work!). The fact is if people are motivated to cheat, they will find a way.</p>