<p>Yes this is my son age 15 too. He has few (he says no) friends. He is bright (93 gpa). He writes video games, alone (except for online collaboration with people he has never seen face to face). He says it’s too late for him to have a good life, he will always be alone because it is too stressful to try to make friends. This summer he said to me, “I just don’t see any point to life.”</p>
<p>My son also does not want to go to counseling because the idea of being asked to do things differently and take new risks is highly stressful. He’s smart, funny, and kind to his family and his animals. So yes I too am very concerned. We are seeing a social worker in his pediatrician’s this week over his strong protestations, because the idea of going back to high school next week is deeply upsetting to him.</p>
<p>snowdog–(and I know this moves this away from OP but still relates)
What does your son want to do in life? It’s great that he opens up (at least some to you) which is so positive. He still is a great personality to be around. Yea!
Counseling doesn’t mean he needs to change his life–maybe he can learn to look at things in a new light to make things LESS stressful which is the whole point of course. Encourage him to go (find someone who specializes in teens) and just give it a shot–if he hates it, well, nothing lost.
Don’t discount the online community he has developed. It is very foreign to me since I didn’t grow up with it but kids today can have some very strong relationships online. Just look at how CC community asks each other for advice.
The “it’s too stressful to make friends” and “no point to life comments” are disturbing which indicates counseling (by someone good at this–which isn’t always easy to come by) to determine how concerned you actually should be. It could be that your son has not found any community at school into which he fits and has only successfully found that group on-line. Maybe he doesn’t see how his current interest will translate to his future and that scares him (maybe he needs some career direction and assurance that what he loves now can translate to a future.)</p>
<p>OP: One of the things that stood out to me is the monotone voice and the behavior getting worse. As to if it is Asperger’s or depression, it could be both. Kids with AS are especially prone to anxiety and depression- because they are aware of their social weaknesses and it takes great effort for them to fit in. When they are younger, their social issues are not as obvious, as socializing with other kids means playing, but as teens, the social demands are higher. They want friends, it is just not easy for them, and they can act aloof, but they are lonely. By the time they are this age, they have had much negative reactions, social rejection, and bullying. That would make anyone sad. Isolating themselves may avoid this.
If he were content to be introverted, his behavior would not be worse. Something is up if his parents are concerned. A trained professional can help them figure out what it is. As to the primary care doc, AS is a complicated condition and I don’t know if that is the realm of a PCP. Even some psychologists can miss this. It takes a lot of time to decide what is going on, longer than a 15 minute doctor visit.
AS is a developmental disorder while depression can start at any time. To really get an idea of this, one has to be aware of the developmental nature of AS. You also don’t want a label that is not accurate- if it is not AS. Can he see a good developmental pediatrician or psychologist who is trained to make this type of diagnosis ?
There are pros and cons to the “label” and at this point, it could be on a need to know basis. The pros- if he has it- would be that he, as an adult, would have an explanation of why he feels the way he is- and access to support groups or social skills training if he wants it. Doing fine academically is great, but it won’t meet his social needs. He can learn to do this.
If he is depressed or anxious, there is medication if he needs it, but he may not. No medication will treat the AS, but it can treat the secondary problems like depression. Just having a diagnosis of “depression” and avoiding the AS part won’t help him in the long run- counseling and social skills training are needed regardless. He needs to learn to deal with his feelings and how to make friends.</p>
<p>"That is not the time to find out there is a problem, especially not if there are worrying signs beforehand. I would know, that’s what I did. "</p>
<p>Emaheevul07, Are you saying you initally refused, or where “completely against” help, but think things would have turned out better if you were somehow forced?</p>
<p>I’m one of the psychologists who has responded and I’m not saying there is absolutely no problem here, but I am saying that this also may be one face of normal. Helping the kid find something to be excited about, like a college that will really be a great fit for his interests and personality, might be one approach to try. I’m also not saying the parents shouldn’t seek support. If they are concerned, they absolutely should seek support.</p>
<p>“Can I also point out that at least 2 mental health pros have visited this thread and neither is as alarmed as other posters-?”</p>
<p>A good point, but nobody can say for certain what this is from the posts. The only way to find out is to see a qualified professional in person who would ask for more details and speak to the young man and the parents in person. Since Aspergers and depression are part of the OP’s question, they are up for discussion, but it would take a professional evaluation to figure this out. The posts on this board can’t be taken as a professional opinion no matter who posts.</p>
<p>“If they are concerned, they absolutely should seek support.”</p>
<p>No. In my case, we were not aware it was a possibility and it was not something that was investigated until after I had suffered for 20 years and at which point it was difficult to make adjustments as quickly as were necessary for me to not fail out of college. Finding out sooner in a more structured environment would have been incredibly helpful. There are obviously problems when the word “force” comes into play, but I was merely refuting the idea that there is no good reason to investigate the issue if he has a few friends and does well in school. IF there are worrying signs, which is up for kid’s family to decide, I think it is worthwhile to encourage him to get to the bottom of that regardless of whether or not he has a few friends and does well in school. That’s not the whole story. There are plenty of autistic and depressed kids that have friends and do well in school-- that doesn’t mean they don’t have major problems.</p>
<p>I understand the resistance about jumping to labels, I just think that when you see something that worries you it’s a good idea to rule the bad things out so you know how to proceed. Forcing a kid that DOES have issues to tough it out without the appropriate help is like asking a person in a wheelchair to drag themselves up a flight of stairs with no chair-- they might be able to do it and convince you that with a little elbow grease they can get along in life without a label, but it hurts and it is humiliating. It’s not like if you look into it the kid will automatically be slapped with a label-- as many of us WITH developmental and learning disabilities have experienced, it can take many doctors and many years to find answers. All those years my parents spent debating whether or not I was getting better on my own were a tragic waste of time for me. I did pretty well in school and had a group of friends in HS too and it did not take long for that to collapse around my ears once circumstances changed.</p>
<p>Not assuming OP’s case is worth sounding that kind of alarm, but there is a lot of information we don’t have–I don’t assume I know anything more than that OP was worried enough to ask about it. </p>
<p>I also have a problem with supposed psychologists coming onto forums and using their supposed expertise to discuss autism. The average person does not understand just how many truly fantastic professionals there are in the field of psychology who still don’t know very much at all about autism, especially not adult autism. Try finding a psychologist in your area who even has experience working with adult autistics-- in many cities around the U.S., you’re talking about a needle in a a haystack if they exist at all. It’s not even easy to find books about adult autism. The study of autism in adults and young adults is teeny tiny and highly specialized. Just being a psychologist doesn’t necessarily mean you are the resident expert on all things neurological and I would think a psychologist would know better than to suggest otherwise.</p>
<p>“Neither is as alarmed as other posters.”
“We cannot assume.”</p>
<p>Bethie and Penny:
I don’t know if you thought I was too offhanded. I do think the OP and her brother should explore and I like the idea of the parents seeing a counselor to gain some perspective. He’s 18 and there may be little control the family can exert on him to seek help. That adds to the difficulty here. I am agreeing with all who say this should be pursued- </p>
<ul>
<li>but we don’t get huge detail in OP’s post. We don’t know if he’s headed to college, still in hs- or adrift, what the depth and breadth are. Many parents and a few kids shared experiences, advice. It concerned me when a few seemed to be so certain about what’s going on with the nephew, based only on a few of the OP phrases. I think it is best to get a professional’s perspective. </li>
</ul>
<p>I know Emaheevu’s response is to a question posed. I am not sure why the wheelchair analogy. I don’t think anyone said “what the heck, he’ll get over it.” </p>
<p>And, I am not a mental health pro, as I said, early on. But no one can truly presume, either way- ie, crisis or no crisis. We can just share. This is just a discussion forum. Best of luck to all.</p>
<p>Looking forward- I did not think it is off handed, I agree that nobody, professional or otherwise can be definitive on this board. It is just a discussion forum and for all concerns, seeking a professional opinion is the best advice.</p>
<p>And Emaheevu, I agree and I have no expertise to offer anyone here, just my own perspective on Aspergers which I agree with you - can look pretty good on the outside but can still be hurting on the inside. It does take an expert to address it, so if the parents are concerned, they can seek out answers.</p>
<p>The fact that psychologists on an internet board would not be concerned (for the OP) would not faze me. No one cares about my son as much as I do.</p>
<p>@gouf: Thanks for your question. He wants to be a computer scientist, most likely a game developer. It will be critical for him to attend a college where he has a chance to fit into the community. I have the Princeton Review list of top game programs in the U.S. and will be starting with him from there. However having just moved a child into USC (#1 program) for a different major – I can’t picture my son fitting in there socially in a million years.</p>
<p>I don’t think this should be characterized as “not concerned.” More as “can’t diagnose or treat from the Parent Cafe” and “parents who are concerned ought to seek assistance.” Very appropriate advice and doubly so, on a public forum.</p>
<p>I empathize with anyone who has concerns about their child- we’re still struggling with one and could share our details. But, no one size fits all. Except, maybe, this: a good counselor relationship can only help.</p>