Is this essay example ok?

Hey guys, I wrote this essay before common app released the new prompts. I ended up writing from the only prompt that common app deleted this year so the essay is unusable. There were still a few areas that I would have liked to change but it is mostly done. I just wanted an opinion on my writing style, ideas, length, etc. Thanks for any help!

Prompt: Describe a place or environment where you are perfectly content. What do you do or experience there, and why is it meaningful to you?

A spectacular feat of engineering, withstanding the perpetual beating of the ocean, the castle stood tall and proud above the unforgiving waves. The sand castle that is.Ever since I first witnessed the imperishable rolling waves brushing against the infinite stretch of gently cascading dunes lining the Florida panhandle, I would spend my summers at the beach constructing sand castles rather than submerging myself in the mysterious pattern of the ocean waves or relaxing under the soft white rays of the sun.
As I worked on one end, constructing the castle tower by tower, with just one swell, the relentless waves would devour the other. It seemed that for every bucket of sand I spread along the shore, half would disappear into the ocean but I remained adamant in my goal of building a spectacular edifice. Rather than relenting in my endeavor, I formulated and tested new ideas to reduce the destruction. From barrier walls of sand and seashells with seaweed interiors to multi layer moats, I would devise new techniques to preserve my castle. The beach acted as my blank canvas to materialize my innovative imagination.
Of course my creative outlets were not restricted to an annual trip that would last only a few days. As long as I can remember, I have played a musical instrument. In fact, I adopted my first instrument, the piano, when I was in first grade and switched to my second, alto saxophone, in fourth grade. “Music is more than notes on a page.” This universal phrase, echoed by seemingly every musician almost to the point of being cliche, holds completely true. When practicing, learning the correct notes was just the beginning.
I never felt that I had perfected any piece. Sure, I played all of the correct notes but anyone could. Music represented an infinitely large puzzle, constantly growing as I slowly solved it. I would make sure that my crescendos could seamlessly flow from pianissimo to fortissimo before quickly dying back down as marked by a diminuendo. After enduring measures of painfully slow adagio an accelerando would push the tempo to andante then, moderato, allegro and finally presto where accidentals and arpeggios would fly by at speeds too fast to count but even then there was more.
Though I have always enjoyed playing music, it does not bring me the full satisfaction of complete creative freedom. There were certainly many challenges to stimulate my mind but none that could be solved with my unique resourcefulness. I realize that there were no allegorical moats to dig or walls to erect. Those, I could only find in environments like the beach where, fully quenching my thirst for creative thinking, I felt most content.

The length of this essay was good. You’re clearly very creative, but the essay got bogged down with a little too much description, especially in the beginning. Sometimes, fewer words is better. I liked the idea of the beach as your place of contentment, but I’m not sure why you brought music into it, since the focus should be on the beach. I also don’t get why you don’t have complete creative freedom when playing music; maybe not in playing sheet music, but you could always improvise or take creative liberty with the songs that you play.

Good essay, but needs some work. Here are a few suggestions:

A spectacular feat of engineering, withstanding the perpetual beating of the ocean, the castle stood tall and proud above the unforgiving waves. The sand castle that is.Ever since I first witnessed the imperishable (poor word choice, waves “perish” shortly after they’re formed)

rolling waves brushing against the infinite stretch of gently cascading dunes lining the Florida panhandle, I would spend (grammar - use “spent”)

my summers at the beach constructing sand castles rather than submerging myself in the mysterious pattern of the ocean waves or relaxing under the soft white rays of the sun.
As I worked on one end, constructing (vary your words, this was already used)

the castle tower by tower, with just one swell, the relentless waves would devour the other. (other what?)

It seemed that for every bucket of sand I spread along the shore, half would disappear into the ocean but I remained adamant in my goal of building a spectacular edifice. (Grammar - where you have “but” things get really awkward)

Rather than relenting in my endeavor, (word choice - here the words sound forced, I’d simplify)

I formulated and tested new ideas to reduce the destruction. From barrier walls of sand and seashells with seaweed interiors to multi layer moats, I would devise (“devised”)

new techniques to preserve my castle. The beach acted as my blank canvas to materialize (?? Word choice)

my innovative imagination. (don’t describe yourself as innovative, its fine to show it but be more humble with self-descriptions)

It sounds really nice!! I have a couple suggestions for grammar and word usage though:

“The sand castle that is.” should be “The sand castle, that is.” (I added a comma.)

“Ever since I first witnessed the imperishable rolling waves brushing against the infinite stretch of gently cascading dunes lining the Florida panhandle, I would spend my summers at the beach constructing sand castles rather than submerging myself in the mysterious pattern of the ocean waves or relaxing under the soft white rays of the sun.” This just seems way too long. If you can, I would try to break it down a little. While the amount of detail and word choice is really nice, I think that having too much detail can become overwhelming.

“The beach acted as my blank canvas to materialize my innovative imagination.” For some reason, this sounds awkward. I would get rid of “innovative” altogether. So it would read, “The beach acted as my blank canvas to materialize my imagination.” The latter sounds more efficient.

“Of course my creative outlets were not restricted to an annual trip that would last only a few days.” should be “Of course, my creative outlets were not restricted to an annual trip that would last only a few, seemingly short, days.” (I added a comma and “seemingly” to show more feelings.)

The conclusion is really nice!! I like the way that it transitions from how music influenced you, to your true love for the beach and how that place influences you. The conclusion summarizes the point of your essay in a very effective way. Awesome!

I was really confused when I started reading the part about music. I originally thought that this was just going to be about the beach and how it served as a place for you to create art. Personally, I think that there is too much detail and information about the influence music has had on you. If you keep the part about the music, then I would trim it down. You should keep your essay on just one focus so college admission readers don’t get confused. If you cut down a lot of the detail about the music (while still keeping some of it), I think you’re essay will sound amazing. Hope this helps!
:smiley:

IMHO, I don’t think it works. Honestly, for me, it was a chore to read all the way through it, The essay is supposed to be a personal statement (which yours is) but this does not seem to be in your “voice.” Is this the way you talk? It’s just a personal preference, but I like simplicity, in a voice that sounds like you rather than flowery prose. I’ve read hundreds of application essays and this, to me, doesn’t move me in either direction - admit or decline. It just is and I didn’t have any real emotional reaction to it.

BTW, I agree with the comments above, especially the implication that you got carried away with trying to make it more interesting to read with creative words rather than having it make sense along the way.

PLEASE pardon me for being harsh. It’s trying to show off your writing skills, but could be improved.

Thank you to everyone for your suggestions.

@OnMyWay2013 & @LionKing2398 I see what you mean by using excessive detail when describing music. I will definitely try to stay more on one central theme in the future.

@LionKing2398 & @CHD2013 I appreciate these grammatical suggestions, and I will make sure not to make the same mistakes in my later drafts and essays.

@digmedia I appreciate your contribution to this forum and suggestions for my essay. I can see how it becomes impersonal when I use my intricate style of writing. You seem to have a great deal of experience in scrutinizing essays so I was hoping you could help me. I do not think I have experienced any incredible life changing events that would stand out so my essays rely on bringing significance to mundane situations in my life. If I write with a “flowery prose,” it becomes impersonal but if I write simply, I become just another boring story from a typical high school student. I was wondering if you could help me out of this dilemma. Forgive me if I sound entitled or defensive in my reply. I truly do not want to come across that way. I am appreciative of any and all responses and I hope to understand how to fix any problems. Thanks!

I really like the idea of your sand castle building- a lot of times, simple things/events like this can make powerful essays. I think that it is a good idea, although I personally think you should cut out the music part- since it is already in your ECs, adcoms will already know you have an interest in music, and it just interrupts the flow of your sand castle theme. However, I agree with the other posters that you should cut down on the flowery language. Also, one of the most important aspects of any college essay is showing how something affected you and/or developed you as a person in some way. Although you touched on it a little bit, you could develop in more detail how building moats and defenses helped you become a better problem solver in life (maybe some examples of how you applied this to other things?), and if you find a way, you should try to incorporate how your experience of building sand castles will shape your future- has it inspired you? Has it led you to explore a certain path? It can be something subtle, but showing that you can look into the future and use your past experiences to help you shows maturity and depth!

Questions that may help you with your essay–

Who do you go to the beach with, do your siblings help you construct the sand castle? Is this a time when you bond with them instead of fighting over the bathroom? Do both parents work? Is this a time when you have some quality time that is uninterrupted by work calls and texts? Have they helped out?

Are you typically shy? Do people come over to admire your work helping you to come out of your shell? Or, maybe you are outgoing and you enjoy the attention and love talking to the people who are interested in your work. Maybe you have a specific story of someone really interesting that you met because of your creation on the beach.

Have you bought sand tools to work with on the beach? Have you made blueprints in your head or on paper before you actually got to the beach? How’s the quality of the sand compared to other beaches you have been to? Do you collect shells to decorate your work?

Has anyone knocked down your sandcastle and you got angry? How did you deal with the disappointment?

I agree that the music aspect of your essay should be abandoned. There is so much more you can write about your experience on the beach.

As i was driving, i said to myself that this prompt had been deleted! When i got back home,i reread what you wrote and realized that you already knew! My bad!