FIL passed away recently. FIL (and the sons) were terrible about money in the sense that they were always throwing wads of money at each other. “Here let me pay for that. No really I INSIST.” “No really WE INSIST.” Yada, yada.
Typical situation: When everyone was returning to base for the funeral week, SIL spent $200 to stock up the MIL/FIL house with food for the incoming hoard (it was empty for the season when they winter over in the south). H gave SIL $100 because MONEY. Not sure why it was our responsibility to pay for stocking the house (there are 5 siblings) since we live in the same place and were not the ones eating all that food, but that’s how it is. We’re wealthy - it’s not like it matters.
So people were spending hither and yon, and H and I had a discussion about whether everyone was going to keep track and start billing each other. We agreed that since MIL is not poor in any sense of the word, and all this tracking and billing would be a PITA (and why?), we would generally have MIL pay for her own expenditures as we went along.
Since she has a hard time getting around, one of the things I am trying to do now is pick up things at the market once a week or when I happen to be going I ask if she needs something. I get a separate bill and have them bagged separately and she reimburses me when I take them in. Tonight, I picked up a few things she asked for and made dinner at her house as well. H showed up and tried to waive off the $10 for her groceries. I took the money because that was the plan. Now he is having fits and says I’m just greedy. I basically told him to pound salt.
I’m with you. Time for shopping and cooking matters. It is the local,person that does everything, like taking the ill,one to MD appointments, shopping, cooking, home repairs, etc., Lots,of time beyond costs. Never appreciated. Stick to your guns. Buy prepared foods. No reward in being a martyr.
I don’t think it’s greedy at all. I realize that you all are well off and no one really needs money and if you and his mom had agreed in advance that she would reimburse you, then what’s wrong with taking the money (especially since you also made dinner for her)? I imagine it’s a very emotional time for your husband and maybe that’s why he’s behaving a bit irrationally. Has he stopped to consider that maybe his mother actually would prefer to not be treated like some pitiful charity case? Just because you could afford to pay for all her groceries doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be reimbursed for your time and trouble. I could afford to buy lunch for my friends and they could afford to buy mine but we normally prefer to pay our own way unless it’s a birthday when we treat each other.
If I were his mother it would be a matter of preserving my own pride and dignity to pay for my own groceries. The fact that you are wealthy should have no bearing on the situation.
Can you elaborate? We had a plan, and now he is apparently mad because he doesn’t like the plan we made two weeks ago.
But he just allowed her to pay for our plane tickets to travel south with her in January (she is too feeble to fly alone). Why wasn’t THAT greedy on our part? Shouldn’t we pay our own way - and hers too for that matter, since why not?
I agree with Joblue. You said that MIL was fine, financially, it would be a different story if she was suffering and broke, then I’d say do everything with no cost. If she can’t reimburse you, she may not want to ask you to pick things up. If that was the agreement, then do it. I would also be preserving my dignity, I would feel very weird about my kids paying for me.
Since you asked, and presumably want our honest opinions: I think your actions sound terrible! Honestly!
Your being wealthy has everything to do with it; it is much harder to be gracious when you have to count every penny. But you can afford to be gracious.
The fact that you even NOTICED that your husband contributed $100 toward stocking the house makes me cringe. Seriously!
I personally would not be able to be married to someone who wanted me to collect $10 worth of grocery money from my mother under the circumstances you describe. It would be a deal breaker for me. Just something to think about…
My parents moved to live near us 3 years ago. I do all their shopping. At first my mom kept track of every penny and reimbursed me, now I am on their credit card and pay for her stuff with her card. It is very much about her dignity for my mom to pay her own way as she has had to accept my doing things for her since she no longer drives. Not greedy at all, stick to the plan. It has been very hard for my parents to allow the role reversal that has happened as I become more and more their caretaker. Allowing them to pay their way lets them maintain their feeling of dignity and self reliance.
If y’all are going to be shopping for her regularly, you should look into getting added to one of her accounts, or setting up a new joint account, then you can just use her money. I know one of my mom’s siblings did this years ago with my grandparents–they were still quite active at the time, but they were away a lot and that enabled her to take care of anything that came up with the house, etc. And my husband did the same with his mom.
Family and money, such a potential disaster. Obviously it would be different if you were bringing her items she hadn’t requested and then expecting payment, but this sounds completely appropriate to me. You’re devoting your time to shopping and cooking for her, and caring for her in other ways as well. She can afford to reimburse you for her shopping and she seems happy to do so. I’d hate to have someone pay for me all the time.
Of course, we’re just viewing this in a vacuum. You probably have decades of history behind this, and family is complicated!
If she’s doing fine financially and happy to reimburse you, I don’t think you should be responsible for paying for her groceries. Because this sounds like a trend, something you are going to do often. If you feel like you’ll be resentful doing shopping without being reimbursed, I think you should take the money. This doesn’t sound like one time, this could be all the time. I am all for being generous, and I never ask my parents to pay for anything. However, since they are quite well off, my husband is sometimes quite annoyed that once again, I paid. Even though we can afford it, it’s the principle.
And by the way, if your husband has a problem with it, I suggest that he go grocery shopping for her, and cook her dinner. See how long that lasts!
I agree that if you are already running errands for them, it is fine to allow them to reimburse because they can and it allows them to maintain their dignity and independence.
When we traveled with them, we paid for our travel and they paid for theirs, even tho we were mainly going because we felt it was unsafe for them to travel unaccompanied. I believe another sib who traveled with them had a similar arrangement and a third sib treated my folks.
When my sister accompanied her FIL to Europe and he needed a LOT of assistance (pushing wheelchair, etc.), they let FIL pay for her 3 sons who did all the heavy work cheerfully. She and her H paid for themselves.
I come from a family like the OP’s husband’s. It is literally inconceivable to me that anyone in my extended family – or anyone in my ex-husband’s extended family – would present a bill for the $10 in the circumstances described or would accept reimbursement. Especially the men, especially toward their mothers! These issues, behaviors and attitudes run deep.
Just thinking of how my father would have reacted if my mother had presented my paternal grandmother with a bill for $10 makes me cringe.
I’ll buy my mom bits and bobs, but she’s in a care facility and doesn’t have a lot. One sister is big on reimbursement and we snort and carry on.
My SIL does shopping and finances for her parents. Even though they live in AL, they require (I swear) daily shopping. FIL asked H if he minded his sister being paid as well as reimbursed -heck no! She’s retired and we’re not. H is on one of the bank accounts, so if he buys something, he transfers the money to our account.
Honestly, when the parents have plenty of money, it’s almost more important to get the money right. Setting expectations and getting it written down can ease a multiple of issues after death.
This could make sense to me either way, it depends. Lots of arguing over who is paying becomes tedious. Either rotate or say thank you and reciprocate fairly if all are in “the same” financial situation. The proximity to the death of FIL may impact many things. Nobody is likely to be 100%, so a bit of slack is in order.
We are generous people who can be so comfortably. It has become clear that it is not gracious or considerate to assume that others, even in less secure situations, would prefer that we take the bill. It can be about mutuality or pride. It feels good to gift or pay one’s own way. As a new widow, I would already be feeling a huge loss. I don’t think I’d want to compound that by not being able to take care of my own groceries, even if I appreciated the delivery and the shopping. As a point of reference, when tending ill or grieving friends, bringing over dinner was fine between us, as were caring tokens. Help with shopping was appreciated, but all of us wanted to pay for our stuff. We had a deal that we wouldn’t ask again if we weren’t allowed to pay. It worked out fine.
Good luck with it. You may be walking a fine line between making today work with your husband and setting precedents going forward with MIL. That is tricky.
How about if your mother was doing shopping for the grandmother often (as sounds as may be the case here)? Would that be okay, or would your father have expected your mother to do and pay for the shopping every time? Would he have taken the time to do it himself, or just expected your mother to take care of it?
I always reimburse my mom and vice versa. We have even gone out to dinner when she visits and she wants to pay her share and we accept that. If we didn’t she wouid stop joining us. When we want to treat we make it very clear beforehand and vice versa.
I took my mom on a trip to the Keys last year and made it clear from the get go the whole trip was my treat.
But when my mom took a horrid fall a few weeks later and I flew down and stayed for two months, she just gave me her CC. She did not want me to pay for anything.
I’m with you. The local, active caregiver gets all the stress. It is usually the female. Your husband should give it up and support you enforcing some simple boundaries and limits.
