I just got off the phone with a close friend of mine. I hadn’t talked to her in a couple of weeks and the conversation turned to her husband who retired from his job last year. For as long as I’ve known them (15 years) their relationship has always seemed to be troubled. “Linnie”,a social person, and “Tim”, an introvert, both are a part of our big social group. We’ve traveled together, have parties together, etc.
When “Tim” retired (he told Linnie just two weeks before he did), he was excited to try new things but couldn’t express what they were. I think he was more happy to be leaving a stressful job than to be moving into retirement.
One year later, Linnie complains that he does the minimal around the house. He will help with chores, prepare dinner sometimes and goes for walks as his form of exercise. He has also been watching TV a lot more. There are projects around the house - they were renovating a small studio apartment but stopped when they ran out of money. He isn’t interested in doing any kind of house maintenance - small DIY jobs. He claims that they don’t have the money to fund all of these projects. Linnie says it doesn’t cost much to replace a leaky faucet or a water damaged baseboard. She’s tried to initiate travel plans but he complains that there’s no money. Money - or a lack of control over it, is a big part of their troubles. DH and I have shared our tips for budgeting and managing money with her, but not him. They have money but they don’t have a budget to see where its going or track savings, etc. Because of his hasty retirement, they didn’t sit down to plan for the pay cut he would receive. Linnie works full time.
What’s worse that her husband’s inactivity are his mood swings. He gets angry at the drop of a hat. They will go days without speaking to each other. I noticed Linnie going out with friends more often, out to dinner with the girlfriends one night then an amusement park the next. Linnie used to be someone who didn’t argue back but she has been. Their college kids, notice the tension when they come home.
Not surprisingly, Tim doesn’t want to seek help from a doctor or counselor. In their last argument, he said she needs to change, not him. Whatever that means. I’ve encouraged Linnie to see one for herself but she, too, is reluctant. Instead, they “go through the motions” of living together. They argue then move on as if nothing happened. Issues are never resolved. Its just sad. I am very close to Linnie and have always seen this dynamic between the two of them. She isn’t the type to leave a relationship but I wouldn’t fault her if she did!
It sounds like he’s floundering. He’s not working, doesn’t know how to manage money which may be a constant worry to him (even though she may be fine), He’s given up a lot of control–bringing in money was a shared responsibility and now he’s out of it (at least in his head).
Yes, the mood swings and inactivity are signs of depression. It’s been a year–depression doesn’t normally appear overnight. It won’t get better without some sort of recognition that it is a problem to be solved and not necessarily a “character fault”.
I can see where getting out of a stressful job is blissful at first but it’s also stressful to suddenly find yourself without that safety financial cushion, people outside home to talk to, and the family dynamic change when one partner is seemingly in control of the finances rather than being shared.
I’m also of the opinion that sometimes not having enough to do creates a dynamic where you don’t want to do anything–at all. Plain inertia. It is actually over-whelming for most people to suddenly find themselves with more time than they ever imagined.
Maybe he needs to go get a part-time job for even just a few hours out of the house. A few extra bucks would help but even a volunteer position is a good way to be involved with people (and help the community).
I’d suggest regular exercise (great for depression)–a sport, daily walking (more the better and if Linnie is smart she’ll go with him and be first out the door). It’s therapeutic–helps the brain chemicals rejuvenate as well as the body.
I’m always touting Dave Ramsey’s “Total Money Makeover” and one reason is that it has great budgeting advice.
It’s spelled out in abc123 fashion, has how much to save for what stage of life etc. Just having a budget (or at least creating an initial budget) may relieve some anxiety–he may relax enough to go on a trip or fix the house knowing those things are pre-planned expenses.
OTOH–not telling your wife that you are “retiring” (is that code for fired?) before two weeks prior is a worse prognosis–the communication ship has long sailed.
A casual part time job might be ideal for him. Something to go and do, bring in a few bucks, get out of the house and have stuff to talk about when you come home. You see retirees at Trader Joes, Ace hardware, etc.
Yes, he sounds depressed, and that’s normal for retirees with no plan. I would continue to suggest counseling, or even speaking with their faith leader if they belong to a faith community
He is 70 and she is late 50’s. He retired voluntarily and apparently has offers to work as a consultant but he chooses not to. It seems as though he’s angry that his life hasn’t turned out the way he wanted it yet he’s ever been proactive with financial planning. His mood swings aren’t new, just magnified now that he’s home 24/7.
It sad. DH and I aren’t far from retirement and we’ve been prompted to start discussing our retirement plans just by seeing how our friends have dealt (or not dealt) with it.
The 2 weeks notice is a little odd. Especially for the wife not knowing. It may indeed have been a health scare, a buddy that died suddenly, worried getting fired, a 70 year old birthday, anniversary of time his parents died at that age, etc. It sounds like that may indeed be more the issue than the one year that followed. Yes men do have a harder time if they had no outside interests started before retirement.
It may be hitting him that having a younger wife is not always peachy. She seems much more active than he is and there is he without a companion. If he cares about her, he may be worried that their money will not last throughout her life time. Adding college-aged children would add to the fear. When the days in front are less than the behind, people react in different ways. I wonder if he is ill and isn’t telling her.
I don’t think he has serious health problems. His wife accompanies him to doctor’s appointments. (She is a medical professional.) From what I know, how much money isn’t the problem, it’s the power struggle behind how and where to spend it. I really feel that he can turn things around if he would talk to his doctor or see a counselor.
It sounds like he probably is depressed, but it’s possible the money issues are real and they under-saved for retirement. If his wife retires soon, whatever nest egg they have now may need to last another 30-35 years. Depending on how aggressive or conservative someone is about their projected investment returns, it can be difficult to judge whether they truly have enough money or not. Such estimates get even more difficult when you consider one or both of them may end up needing some type of long term care.
When my former father-in-law retired, lots of sparks flew between him and his wife, who had never worked outside the home. He missed working and he missed telling people what to do, so he tried to take over various matters and he ordered around his wife a lot. It was very painful to witness their bickering and arguments. I think he’s been depressed for much of his life, and once he was retired, he lost the outlet of work and expressed his unhappiness against his wife.
Who handles the finances? Does he have a realistic idea of their financial situation? My H has a tendency to declare that we can’t afford (whatever) but I have handled the finances for years and I think his attitude has more to do with a lack of security and knowledge than it does reality. I try to engage him in the online tracking system I have set up, but he never seems to be willing to focus on it long enough to understand our financial situation. I’m pretty frugal and his family isn’t so I prefer his attitude over that of a spendthrift. But it can be kind of frustrating. Right now we need a car and he won’t even go and look because he says we can’t afford it.
@PNWedwonk, your situation is similar to theirs except he is the spendthrift of the two. Linnie handled the finances until her husband retired. She asked him to take over but he’s never taken the time to understand the finances. He just pays the bills.