<p>This is my first post to the forum, after lurking a long time. </p>
<p>I have a son who is a senior, and has never given us any trouble, has done what he was supposed to, studied, gotten good grades, gained acclaim in a difficult extra-curricular. </p>
<p>In the past two years, he has become distant and remote. He no longer likes to go places with us, not even out to dinner or on a vacation, although he will go places with me, just not the whole family. He rarely invites his friends to our home, but is delighted to leave at every possible opportunity to spend time with them at theirs. He has claimed that he is “embarrassed” of us, although he didn’t go through this stage in early adolescence, and I thought most kids were through with this by the time they were 18. He is impatient with his younger siblings, and there is a lot of family stress when he is home.</p>
<p>On top of that, he seems to treat our home like a hotel, where he sleeps and has few other responsibilities. What a deal…a place where laundry is done, meals are prepared, activities are paid for (although he does work and pays for a lot himself), and where he can count on us to drive him, or let him take the car, almost anywhere he wants to go. He rarely seems appreciative, although he says he is. Likewise, he rarely offers to do anything for us, although he is the first one to help other people outside of his family. We feel used and abused, and have talked about this with him ad nausem, and he promises to improve, but things really haven’t.</p>
<p>I don’t want the last months of him at home to be contentious, but I can’t stand the current situation either. Any advice would be appreciated.</p>
<p>In my experience (sad to say) this is somewhat normal. My son was a late bloomer and went through the embarrassed of parents and family stage in late high school. Will your son be leaving home for college next year?</p>
<p>Notice- the above OP is a different person, I did not acquire a new screen name to make the above statement. You are describing a certain son who thankfully is away at college for his second year, except when he played mysterious stranger for a month of winter break. Unfortunately normal. Separating from parents/child to become an independent person/adult.</p>
<p>so stop the laundry and other stuff, stop driving him…he needs to SEE in a tangible way that his attitude stinks and that you will just stop, like he has…you have nothing to lose by doing that, what, he will get worse? how can he?</p>
<p>attitude counts a lot for me, I will bend over backwards if the attitude doesn’t stink…they don’t have to be gushy…</p>
<p>Oh family vacation - I remember taking out kids to Europe - son was 15 and daughter 13. He was such a pain. Even when we look at pictures now his scowling face (when we can see his face which was usually covered by his baseball hat brim or his hand put up to block the camera) brings back such memories. :rolleyes:</p>
<p>Yes somewhat normal. I have found mine have improved with age ;)</p>
<p>Same son would love the opportunity to go to Europe now.</p>
<p>Congratulations, you have a teenager in the house.</p>
<p>I think a lot of times it’s not that we’re ungrateful, it’s just that we think (often mistakenly) that it goes without saying that we appreciate what you do for us as parents. I know I don’t thank my parents verbally enough.</p>
<p>He could also be having some hardcore senioritis (my friends and I certainly are!). Stress about going away to college and not getting in where he wants, feeling like he’s failing you and his father…the list goes on.</p>
<p>If I were you, I’d sit him down and ask him what’s bothering him. Don’t get upset, don’t yell…he’ll only retreat further.</p>
<p>My oldest teenager is a lot like OP’s son, except she does get along really well with her younger sibs. And I was a lot like OP’s son! I like the part about helping people outside the family; he probably saves all his grouchiness for you because it’s safe to be in a bad mood around you; you will still love him.</p>
<p>It’s just a phase. Leave him be. As far as not having friends over, or not spending time with the family, I would not get on my child’s case over stuff like that. It just makes for useless bickering that willl not end in your favor.</p>
<p>BUT, I would certainly stop doing his laundry, or feeding him when he walked in the door at midnight. Those are things you can rule on without an ugly situation.</p>
<p>And ofcourse, you don’t have to give him the car every single time he want it. Be sweet, and smiling, and say, “Oh, sorry honey, but today…blah blah…”</p>
<p>My oldest D went through that stage 10th and 11th grade. It was hard on everyone.By senior yr she had come out of it and at age 20 loves to go out with the entire family. Son never did.
My youngest is starting to do it in small dosages. But for her it is a case of wanting to be the center of attention so her preference is only one parent or family member at a time.</p>
<p>I think I underestimated the amount of stress that HS seniors experience.</p>
<p>That said, there can still be norms for behavior in a family, and behaving with mutual respect can be one of them.</p>
<p>I don’t know, of course, if this would work in your family, but this is what I would do.</p>
<p>I would pick a relatively calm time when he is home and ask to speak with him. I would tell him that I recognize that there is a lot going on in his life, that much is changing, much is up in the air, and that it must be stressful. I would tell him that we are available to help in any way he wished, but also that we are giving him the space to handle this and that we are working to respect his growing independence. I would also tell him that, probably unintentionally, he was not behaving with respect and consideration to his family, that feelings are hurt, and that we needed to remedy that.</p>
<p>The trick at this point is to not start a laundry list of grievances. That would not have worked with our s. At this point I would not mention myself, but say something like, “you are being rude to your father. Please try to think about other people’s feelings.”</p>
<p>It’s a good idea to ask him what, if anything you are doing that makes life more difficult and what he would like from you that he is not getting. Odds are good that he’ll realize he has a pretty good deal. And there might be some minor thing that is a big deal to him that you can help out with. This also keeps the conversation from being a lecture.</p>
<p>This is actually pretty close to a conversation we had with our son. It was not a magic bullet. The surliness did not evaporate immediately. But we did have a template for dealing calmly and more as equals that served us well in the coming months.</p>
<p>Sounds normal–it hit my wonderful S#1 at around 15 1/2. He got on my last nerve right before he left for college at 18. We were very happy to send him off. That’s part of the plan-- They make you miserable so you’ll be happy to let them go and won’t miss them too much. S is 19 1/2 now and I’m starting to see a few glimmers of maturity. . .meanwhile lovely 17yo D#1 has just taken a turn for the worse. . .</p>
<p>“That’s part of the plan-- They make you miserable so you’ll be happy to let them go and won’t miss them too much”
So true! Ever heard the phrase “Why do baby birds soil the nest? So their parents will kick them out!”
Op, It’s not intentional. It’s very common subconscious behavior on the part of late teens [ especially boys who have had close relationships with their parents] who know they will be leaving home soon. It makes it easier for kids to prepare mentally to leave if your parents aren’t clinging to you, holding you back. Everything you described your son doing is totally normal, and in time you will once again have a warm relationship with your son. Patience.</p>
<p>My younger D is exactly like this, and it is tough, because older D never went through this. In fact older D feels comfortable at home, enjoys having friends over, and seems happy that her friends come over, give me a hug, and call me “Mama Smith.” She hangs out at others’ homes as well, but is just as happy having the crowd over here. Contrast that to younger D who can’t wait to leave, is a different person outside the house (kinder, gentler), only to return home with a scowl and ready to find fault with our every word and action. When friends come over, they stay in her room, come out to hang out on the front porch or at the end of the driveway, and then return to her room. A Wii last fall did help to get the group to the family room, but not very often. It is as if we have the plague. Even her friends comment on what nice parents she has…we end up “not as they expected”…why does she treat us the way she does… That only irritates her further, and she insinuates that they don’t really “see” us the way she does. </p>
<p>We ask for a minimum of respect, we now limit her allowance, allowing her to earn more by doing more. She does her own laundry, has to keep her room and shared bathroom respectible, and has a few chores that must be done for the allowance. We have seen some improvement now that she realizes the give and take that is required. She has learned that when she is civil, and maybe even downright nice, we repond very positively as well. We found that negative reinforcement got us nowehere, and made everything worse. So we ignore the booding/moody behavior. We stop and turn away and are just not available (nor is the car) when her attitude is unacceptable. And we reward the positives. But there are days that I am relieved that she is going to friends instead of hanging out here. I just keep telling myself that this too shall pass.</p>
<p>We barely met any of S’s friends all through high school; now we have them sleeping all over the house on breaks. He somehow got over his embarrassment that we were his parents. Until, of course, I left the kids a fruit and cheese plate…humiliating!</p>
<p>Hang in there, OP…it gets better. Eventually.</p>
<p>I need to add, in fairness to son- he did his own laundry, fed himself when it was not at dinner time with us. Teenagers are not wonderful people to live with.</p>
<p>My son does have a point about not inviting people over. My husband has, I am sure, undiagnosed Aspergers’ Syndrome. He is exceptionally bright, but has very poor social skills. He talks too much sometimes, and cracks jokes that aren’t at all funny. Only, he doesn’t see it. But our son is very aware of it, as am I. </p>
<p>I do worry that this isn’t a stage really, and that he will never want to bring friends home, because he is worried about what his dad will say. On the other hand, this is his father, who would give him his right arm if he needed it. </p>
<p>It all makes me sad, because I would love for him to want to be with us more, invite friends over, etc., but I also see the point of not making a bigger deal out of it than necessary. It’s a hard balance. I can’t force him to want to go places with us, but I can’t help feeling bad about it. I also can’t change his father (god knows I have tried), and feel like my S needs to see the good qualities in his dad too (of which there are many).</p>
<p>It is a hard balance, and your son just doesn’t have the maturity yet to effectively “deal” with who his father really is. Most kids can’t at that age; they’re too inwardly focused on themselves - not a criticism of your son - just an observation about MOST kids that age.</p>
<p>But, as others have said, just because he’s moody and embarassed does not give him the right to treat your family like a doormat. Stop doing his laundry, stop being the late night short order cook, and stop with the car-lending/chauffeuring. Don’t pander to his moods!! Chances are he will come around and start acting a little nicer if he wants the same in return.</p>
<p>“I do worry that this isn’t a stage really, and that he will never want to bring friends home, because he is worried about what his dad will say”
Well, your husband’s behavior around other people may very well preclude your son from bringing home friends, so I would let go of that hope. That doesn’t mean your son doesn’t and won’t appreciate his Dad.</p>