<p>I recently turned in an essay for this class and the teacher wrote…u need to improve your writing skills…ive gotten A’s so far in my english classes but what she wrote really made me wonder…</p>
<p>The Nutcracker is basically about a girl named Clara receiving a nutcracker for Christmas. As soon as the clock hit midnight, a group of rats swarmed into the room trying to attack Clara, but the Nutcracker came to life in order to protect Clara. The rat king eventually dies and the Nutcracker transforms into a prince. A few seconds later, the Prince and Clara travel to a new world where they interact with diverse dancers. The Nutcracker had 2 Acts with 18 dance pieces. The Nutcracker had many Divertissements where I would guess that the ballet had around 70-80 dancers in total. All of the dancers during the ballet seemed strong; their emotions and strength shined brightly as they danced throughout the ballet. The artistic expressions of the Dancers also stood out to me as they danced and acted with such intensity as if the ballet was their everyday life. During the ballet, I also noticed how certain music was being played in the right situations; such as when it was a dramatic part, dramatic music was being played. The costumes during the ballet also seemed to fit perfectly because they all represented each individual in a unique way and also represented Christmas in a way as well. The camera work was also extraordinary because it showed not only the dancing, but also showed the emotions of the dancers which all mixed into a perfect ballet.</p>
<p>can someone give me tips or any comments concerning this essay???
thank you</p>
<p>What is it you are trying to do. Is this a review of a particular performance of the Nutcracker? In any case, I’d suggest you go talk to the instructor about how you can improve. </p>
<p>A couple of grammar comments: Your summary switches between past tense and present tense, and the two sentences about the structure of the ballet (2 acts, 70 dancers etc) don’t really relate to what came before. </p>
<p>In terms of ideas: You put a lot of generalizations out there without really supporting them. How did the dancers’ emotions and strength come through? What specifically did the composer do to make the music fit the scenes–what emotions is he trying to generate from the audience and how well does he succeed? What made the costumes represent each individual in a unique way? How did the camerawork show emotions? </p>
<p>I don’t know what the word limit was, but each of those could be it’s own paragraph with specific examples of why you think the way you do. As it stands, it’s more a bunch of topic sentences strung together with a series of “also’s.” It doesn’t read like you put much thought into the essay.</p>
<p>a) As soon as the clock hit midnight, a group of rats swarmed into the room trying to attack Clara, but the Nutcracker came to life in order to protect Clara.</p>
<p>-Don’t reuse Clara for the second time. You used the name too close to each other, when the reader can be assured “her” is related to Clara. Overall, work on your repetitiveness.</p>
<p>b) Try to stay in the same tense. All throughout high school my teachers rode my ass about this. Trust me, it makes a huge difference once you can get it right.</p>
<p>c) I’m used to overlooking my classmates papers and essays, and I’m assuming I’m used to their style of writing, but yours seems very…immature? You should work on making your sentences more complex, so the reader can flow through your writing.</p>
<p>I’m sure your a great writer, just try and work on those things and you’re papers will blow your teachers away.</p>
<p>Yeah your tenses are all jacked up. Stay consistent with those. Here’s a specific error:</p>
<p>“As soon as the clock hit midnight, a group of rats swarmed into the room trying to attack Clara, but the Nutcracker came to life in order to protect Clara” </p>
<p>This sentence is actually saying that the room is trying to attack Clara. I assume that’s not what you meant.</p>
<p>I concur with your teacher. Your writing lacks sophistication. Sentence structure is highly redundant and words such as also are overused. You may be good in other types of writing, but you’re really not that great with this summary.</p>
<p>You keep bouncing back and forth between tenses, so that’s probably where the criticism of your writing skills is directed at. Also, it does not really flow at all. So, yes, I’d say it’s bad. Work on it.</p>
<p>I didn’t even bother reading the second half of the paragraph. Not too be mean but it really is just not sophisticated enough for high school… The first sentence alone is so plain and rudimentary. And why are you asking us, go ask your teacher what you can do to improve it.</p>
<p>My suggestion would honestly be to throw it out and start a new one, because I don’t see this going anywhere good. Sorry if that sounds harsh…view it as a learning experience.</p>
<p>IN addition to what’s already been said, keep in mind you are writing, not having a conversation. For example, don’t say “I would guess” or “basically.” </p>
<p>Also–and this is super minor–you’re supposed to type out numbers. So “two acts,” not 2 Acts.</p>
<p>In the very first sentence (“The Nutcracker is basically about a girl named Clara receiving a nutcracker for Christmas.”), leave out the word ‘basically’. It sounds really unprofessional qualifying your description with a word like that, and instantly tainted my opinion on your essay from the first sentence.</p>
<p>In general the main problem I see is you not keeping your writing formal enough. Formality is key in high school and college, using colloquialisms or informal phrases will make your writing feel like you’re in middle school, and thats the last thing you want people thinking about you.</p>
<p>It appears that the OP is a student at a community college. I think you will need to increase the sophistication of your writing as you do more college-level writing. There are several things you can do to improve. First, talk to your teacher and ask for specific suggestions. Second, if your school has a writing center or other writing help program, go there. Third, read good writing. For example, to get some idea about problems with the essay you posted, read some theater and music reviews in a major newspaper.</p>