<p>It’s a true story, and I think that it’s pretty interesting and insightful, but I’m not entirely sure if it’s appropriate.</p>
<p>Here it is:</p>
<p>I had a run-in with the law at Sears today. I was with my friend, his brother, and his brother’s friends. We were heading to a Jeff Beck concert when I asked if we could stop at Sears so I could pick up some DVDs, namely Lost in Translation and Groundhog Day. I was walking by the CD section when the lowliest kind of criminal: a music thief. He concealed a Baha Men CD in his jacket and that just set me off. </p>
<p>“Stop,Thief!” I shouted. I tried to corner him, but the best I could do was chase him toward the parking lot where my friends were waiting. I got their attention and the hunt gave way. I told my friends to drive down Main Avenue and meet me on Main Street going the other way. I chased the thief three blocks and I finally saw my friends’ car. The car skidded to a stop and John Doe, our resident wrestler, jumped out and pinned the shoplifter. We let the pathetic kid go, but we got the CD and headed back to Sears.</p>
<p>When we arrived at Sears, we were hoping to be rewarded for our efforts, but instead the clerk accused us of stealing the CD. I pointed out the flawed logic of someone bringing back an item that they stole, but he didn’t care; he was just covering himself. Luckily, another employee witnessed the event and vouched for us. Our “reward” was being allowed to leave Sears, which was actually pretty thoughtful in retrospect, since I never want to see another Sears for as long as I live.</p>
<p>So don’t take the law into your own hands, and don’t shop at Sears.</p>
<p>I thought it was pretty interesting, but I think you have to leave more space to explain what it shows about you. Err… but don’t start it “This shows…” obviously. But yeah. Otherwise it seems like the story was a little too arbitrary.</p>
<p>Na dude, it’s cool, at least for the roommate essay. Arbitrary is pointless as long as the essay says something about the writer - which you need to emphasize a bit without sounding cocky. Good luck</p>
<p>No - “their” refers to the OP’s friends in the plural.</p>
<p>And in any case, while using “their” as a substitute for “his or her” is technically incorrect, I feel that this is (or ought to be) a highly ignorable grammatical rule. But that’s just MHO.</p>
<p>I went to see him many many years back (in a small but well known club in its era) - and all of a sudden Rod Stewart shows up (as a freebie basically) and I cannot recall for certain but either Beck plays with Small Faces with Ron Wood or Beck was delayed - however it was the time when rockers would play w/o much compensation and for sure Rod Stewart was doing all the singing</p>
<p>i really really really dont mean to hurt you in any way but your essay is a joke…im sure you can do a lot better if you raise your standards</p>
<p>here are the parts that work against you—dont have time to explain why</p>
<p>‘lowliest kind of criminal: a music thief’…‘chased the thief three blocks’…‘the pathetic kid’…‘never want to see another Sears for as long as I live’…‘don’t shop at Sears’…go figure</p>
<p>Remember, the admissions officers want to hear something that shows them who you are, not your friends, Sears, people working at Sears, or someone stealing something from Sears. They also don’t want to hear life lessons like “Don’t take the law into your own hands.”</p>
<p>What I got about this was:
You use colloquial language when writing an essay (e.g. “That just set me off”)
You hold grudges (e.g. “I never want to see another Sears for as long as I live”)
You like music (This is a good one, but perhaps elaborate a little bit on it i.e. not just “we were heading to a Jeff Beck concert”)
You look at events pessimistically (e.g. “So don’t take the law into your own hands, and don’t shop at Sears.”) You should write something that is more positive and uplifting e.g. “The intrinsic value of doing the right thing is independent of the nature of the recognition, whether appraisal or condemnation; Given another opportunity, I would stop another criminal, despite the consequences.”
You are noble but rash</p>
<p>These aspects don’t really shed a positive light on your personality or who you are.</p>
<p>You should also try to lead into the story through the prompt and then return to the prompt at the end, because without already knowing the prompt, I would have had no idea that you were talking to a roommate.</p>
<p>Lastly, the story sounds fabricated or embellished. I am not sure how to fix this problem, but it needs work.</p>
<p>In short, the topic is probably not the best topic to show the admissions officers who you are, but if you work with it, I think it could be a great essay.</p>