<p>My D came home once a month ( 6 hour trip ) to get braces adjusted during freshman year .She plans to continue doing this next year . She had second thoughts about living in a House ,and wanted to try living in an apartment but I said no because that the House is an important part of college life ,and I want her around other people . I am wondering if this is unusual .She left to spend 8 weeks on a farm in Sweden ,so I don’t think this is about not being ready to be independent . Am I missing something ? Braces come off in August ,when she gets back .She is 18 ,great student .</p>
<p>I don’t see anything wrong unless there are signs that your daughter is unhappy or struggling in some way with college.</p>
<p>Perhaps she enjoyed the monthly trips home that were necessary for her orthodontic visits because she had a chance to catch up with family or local friends. I see nothing wrong with continuing to do something she likes.</p>
<p>As for the choice between on-campus and off-campus living – it depends on the college she goes to. If she goes to a school where practically everyone lives on campus, she could be quite isolated from campus life if she lives off campus, especially if she lives alone and is not involved in college extracurricular activities. But there are other colleges where many or most upperclassmen, including sophomores, live off campus. In that sort of environment, living off campus is not isolating because most of your friends are doing it, too.</p>
<p>If she’s in college where I assume she is house living I think is a pretty essential part of campus life. She should experience it.</p>
<p>She could just enjoy having some time to herself (as well as spending time with her family). Even if you love the social life of college it ca be quite intense and there’s not much opportunity for the time to yourself that you’re used to at home.</p>
<p>I seem to remember she is at Harvard?
I think residential college life is a very important part of the Harvard experience. However, that being said, it’s not for everyone. Two of my four freshman roommates ended up opting out of it to some degree. </p>
<p>One decided after spending the summer between sophomore and junior year in a rented apartment that she just wanted to stay there; she transferred to Dudley House (the commuter “house,” basically an administrative entity). </p>
<p>One chose a room in a little house that was, essentially, overflow housing for some of the Quad houses. She was still in our house and could eat in our dining hall when she wanted (which wasn’t often–but she did take advantage of having the meal plan to eat in other dining halls, wherever was convenient), marched with us at commencement, and so forth, but for all intents and purposes, she was really not IN the house. </p>
<p>Not all of the houses have living options that are not-quite-a-dorm, but several of them do.</p>
<p>^I agree House life isn’t for everyone, but she hasn’t even given it a chance yet. I also think that spending one weekend a month at home is probably not the best arrangement either. Isn’t there a local orthodontist who could make the adjustments? My youngest brother ended up in one of those not quite part of the house deals, but since he spent most of his time in his girlfriend’s house, I don’t think he missed out on much!</p>
<p>I don’t know much about house life because my friends and I rented an apartment during sophomore years till our last year. I traveled two hours a day from my house to my university during my freshman year and darn, that was hard.</p>
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<p>This disturbs me. How long do you intend to control her life? </p>
<p>I can understand if it were about money issues, but beyond that, it sounds like you have a very bright adult D who is entitled to run her own life and make her own mistakes and make her own choices. What’s good for her is whatever she decides is good for her. I have an 18 year old D too, and if she said that she preferred living in an apartment and the cost wasn’t an issue, beyond having a devil’s advocate conversation about it, I don’t think that it’s my place to say no.</p>
<p>The House System is an integral part of the Harvard experience–this is a much bigger deal than “Should I live on campus or off campus?”.</p>
<p>Maybe she should explore Dudley House–I think it is not only a place for those who live off campus, but also has undergrads living there in a co-op style of living:</p>
<p>“The Dudley Co-op, founded in 1958 as an alternative to other on-campus housing, has a long and vibrant tradition as a progressive, participatory community. Housed in two Victorian homes located between Harvard and Porter squares, the Dudley co-op offers a welcome counterpoint to traditional Harvard living for many students.”</p>
<p>Co-op living may be more her style. It actually houses 32 undergrads.</p>
<p><a href=“http://dudleyundergrad.harvard.edu/icb/icb.do?keyword=k71131&pageid=icb.page346453[/url]”>http://dudleyundergrad.harvard.edu/icb/icb.do?keyword=k71131&pageid=icb.page346453</a></p>
<p>My D only lived one year in the dorm- ( which she actually seemed to enjoy- however she needs more quiet & solitude)
Last year she got a little too much of the above, her roommate in a two bedroom apt just off campus spent most of the time in her room when she was even home.
So even though I am not looking forward to helping her move so soon, she has found a house on the other side of campus to share with 4 other young women. It sounds like a better situation & it sounds not as isolating as her experience last year.</p>
<p>There are a lot of ways to get to know other students than living in a dorm- D2 for example is going to Costa Rica for a research project with about 10 other students tomorrow, although she has barely met a couple of the others who are going.</p>
<p>I think it obviously is much easier to live within walking distance of campus, but not a lot of difference in “college experience” for those who live on campus & those who live just off.</p>
<p>Maybe I’m a little dense today, but this was one of the most confusing posts ever–what does adjusting her braces have to do with living in an apartment? In any event, tons of sophomores live in apartments, and your orthodontist should be able to refer you to a local practitioner who can treat her so she doesn’t have to make that ridiculous trip.</p>
<p>Tons of sophomores live in apartments at other campuses, but not at Harvard. The Residential House system is considered to be part of the whole Harvard Education. 95% of undergrads live on campus.</p>
<p>This disturbs me. How long do you intend to control her life? "</p>
<p>Oh, you can be darn sure that as a parent, I most certainly would have veto power over the desire to live in an apartment. I think it’s a negative and my kids would have to have an absolutely compelling reason for me to consider it.</p>
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<p>I’m not concerned with the merits of having an apartment or not. When I moved into one my senior year of college, it seemed like a natural thing to do and I learned a lot of about taking care of myself. My parents never said word one about it. It wouldn’t have even occurred to me to discuss it with them. It may not be right for the OP’s D, but that’s not the point. </p>
<p>I’m asking why, you, Pizzagirl, as a parent of an adult college student, feels entitled to control your D’s living situation for a reason other than money. Discuss yes, control or veto, that seems to cross the line for me now, and would have when I was 18. </p>
<p>Really, the bigger question is, at what point do you respect your child as an adult?</p>
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<p>I hope all your kids are attending colleges where on-campus housing is guaranteed for all four years.</p>
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<p>Well, not getting into an on-campus housing slot would certainly qualify as a compelling reason. </p>
<p>But since you asked – H and I both think it very desirable for students to live on campus, whether on dorms or in Greek living (if they so choose that path), all else being equal, and neither of us see the advantage of an apartment – they’ll have the rest of their lives to have to deal with all of that. We each lived in dorms for 2 years and in our Greek houses for 2 years (on our campus, the Greek houses are on campus, intermingled with the dorms, so it’s not separate at all).</p>
<p>At D’s college - yes, basically all live on campus all four years, with only very occasional exceptions for unusual circumstances. The town is not really amenable to student housing. That element was something we liked about it very much.</p>
<p>At S’s college - yes, many students live off campus as juniors and seniors and there are student apartments in the vicinity; however, our hope is that S would go Greek and stay on campus / live in the house, or align with a residential college (they have a res col set-up, but it is not one of the “stay all four years” types). He is attending our alma mater so we’re quite familiar with the surroundings and set-up. In general, though, I fail to see the big push to get students into apartments. To me / us, college living = dorm, res col or Greek-house living. Apartment living just seems so separate, too much of the next stage of life. Do that later, when you graduate.</p>
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<p>I believe the OP’s D is at Harvard. As mathmom said, the concept of living in the houses with others is a critical part of what you buy into when you buy into the concept of Harvard. From what I understand, that’s a huge part of the culture there. Given that, if it were my kid at Harvard, I’d feel even more strongly that there would need to be a truly compelling reason to abandon what is part of the overall campus culture / experience.</p>
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<p>That’s the point - to me, it doesn’t seem like a “natural thing to do.” To me, living in an apartment is what you do in the NEXT stage - as a young adult, out on your own. The whole concept seems run-down and depressing to me, no sense of community compared to being in a dorm, a residential college type of set-up, or a Greek house. </p>
<p>And I don’t just dispense money willy-nilly. I don’t particularly care if my kids decide to choose X dorm over Y dorm for whatever reason, but moving to an apartment encompasses all kinds of additional costs (bed, furniture, kitchen equipment, etc) and encompasses all kinds of demands on their time (maintenance, cooking) that I most certainly will have an opinion on. Personally, I don’t see the need for them to waste their time having to cook / clean for themselves. They can learn that as they move out on their own. I’m totally fine if they stay in a dorm and use a meal service.</p>
<p>“Personally, I don’t see the need for them to waste their time having to cook / clean for themselves.”
Some kids actually enjoy cooking. S certainly did. Dorm food wasn’t going to do it for him (he used the kitchen in the dorms occasionally and had a line of kids out the door wanting to eat what he was cooking rather than the dorm stuff). Sophomore year he lived in and apt. and jr and sr years in a house. All his housemates also loved to cook and potlucks with friends were the norm. Definitely not a waste of time.</p>
<p>Great! Glad he enjoyed it. I don’t care what other kids do in this regard – truly couldn’t care less. I’m just commenting, to CRDad’s posts, that I most certainly <em>would</em> have a very strong opinion and potential veto power for a move into an apartment, and I would want a compelling reason to move from the default, which <em>for us</em> is dorm / residential college / Greek housing. That will be a non-issue at D’s school and I don’t anticipate it being a major issue at S’s, though of course time will tell and I might eat my words. </p>
<p>In the OP’s case, her daughter is at a school where it’s not just “dorm living” but a House system which is a really integral part of the campus culture and identity and that, for me, would be even MORE of a “you’ve got to have a REALLY compelling reason not to partake in it.”</p>