Is this what they're looking for?? (Commonapp short answer)

College Essays
1

<p>My tennis career began when I was 7th grader who wanted to play baseball but wasn’t good enough, so I joined tennis because my best friends were doing it. Never again will peer pressure pay such great dividends. Tennis has turned into my favorite sport, and I have become infatuated with the game, playing and watching whenever I get the chance. I can even use it as a way to make money, as I have taught myself how to string racquets. The combination of athleticism and strategy in tennis suits my strengths, and I love the opportunity to control my own destiny while still being part of a team. Tennis has strengthened friendships for me, satisfied my yearning for competition, and given me a sport that I will play for the rest of my life.</p>

<p>Is this what they are looking for?? Should I tell more facts?? Please help, I’m confused…</p>

2

<p>your first sentence seems too long-winded for me.</p>

3

<p>The last half seems a bit vague, try provide more detailed and precise description.</p>

4

<p>What exactly should I change?</p>

5

<p>How about this – slightly different.</p>

<pre><code>My tennis career began on a whim, when I joined during a 7th grade gym class after finding out that a few of my friends were doing it. Never again will peer pressure pay such great dividends. Those few friends are now among my closest, and I have become infatuated with tennis, playing and watching whenever I get the chance. I can even use tennis as a way to make money, as I have taught myself how to string racquets. The combination of athleticism and strategy in tennis suits my strengths, and I love the opportunity to control my own destiny while still being part of a team. I am one of the most competitive and determined people out there, and tennis gives me an outlet to utilize these qualities. Tennis has strengthened my friendships, satisfied my yearning for competition, and given me a sport that I will play forever.
</code></pre>

6

<p>i second mr2200!</p>

7

<p>Anyone???</p>

8

<p>I like the final version better</p>

9

<p>I certainly wouldn’t mention that you weren’t good enough at something else.</p>

10

<p>Mr2200: A little constructive feedback so take it as you will. </p>

<p>Reading you essay relayed to me that 1. You were not good at Baseball (but who determined that? Babe Ruth team little league team?) 2. Not sure if you are any better at Tennis. 3. What exactly are those strenghts you mention? Isn’t athleticism and strategy also part of Baseball?</p>

<p>Bottom line is that I would take out the bit about babseball and just say that you found Tennis in the 7th grade, etc, etc. And if you are going to mention your strenghts at least give them a little preview of what those are and then expand later.</p>

<p>My two cents since you asked : )</p>