100%.
100%
Love what is being shared here.
3 Likes
I think you are correct that limiting the idea of what constitutes ‘reading’ stops some who would fall in love with reading.
We were big on no limits on what you want to read. If it was comics, great! If it was fantasy, great! If it was Seventeen magazine, great! If it was a book you randomly found in a bookcase in the house, great!
We still buy books for the kids, no questions asked. Barnes & Noble is an almost weekly stop and whichever kids are home still bring books/magazines/etc up to the register with a “You’re gonna buy this for me, right?” smile.
5 Likes
We must have been lucky. We read to both our kids from birth until they could read on their own. Then they would read to us until they reached an age when the would read a little to themselves before bed. After that, they were both voracious readers.
One of my fondest pics of our S is him in a hammock strung between two palm trees in Ambergris Caye, Belize after a long day of scuba diving - he’s reading One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich by Alexander Solzhenitsyn. Good times.
Outside of research papers he does not read that much anymore. But he does have a small (and growing) collection of vintage physics textbooks.
1 Like
We are well aware of our child’s dislike for reading. He’s been exposed to so many genres. He’s been giving free range of types of books. DH and I are avid readers of many disciplines. DS reads but not beyond what he needs to do. He is a very good analytic reader and will do well in college. He’s a math heavy humanities guy. He just doesn’t love it. We accept this fact about him, always have.
6 Likes
When I was a kid, comics were forbidden but anything else was fine. One summer, we visited friends who had a lake house in New England, and our hostess was horrified when she saw I was reading Rosemary’s Baby. She actually embarrassed my mother into taking the book away from me, but my mother returned it to me a few days later and apologized profoundly for what she had clearly decided was a major parenting sin. Also, when the school attempted to take away my library privileges in fourth grade because I was reading during class, she stood by me. My mother had to leave school in her mid-teens to work in a dry-cleaning factory, but she was pretty smart and what I learned from her stayed with me in raising my own kids. We basically felt we had only a brief window to introduce them to lots of things before peer pressure/societal pressure set in. Not just books, but art, music, etc. Now, one reads like me, the other doesn’t read but loves both classical music and rock and roll. (Although she wouldn’t go to a Springsteen concert with us because it’s fundamentally uncool to go to a concert with your parents.)
8 Likes
You never really know with kids- my S24 absolutely refused to read from ages 10-17, and he’s now completely flipped and making his way through (heavy) classics, from Tolstoj and the Russians to Flaubert and Hemingway. It’s really odd, like a switch went off. Then again it might just be his way- he did the same thing with movies about a year ago and now watches dozens of films, preferably foreign, intense arthouse directors from the 60s to the 80s. The slowest and more densest, the better (think Bergman, Tarkovskj etc). You just never know which way they’ll suddenly turn…
9 Likes
Totally agree. If someone were to pick up the book and know nothing about the controversy that surrounds it, they’d find a funny and self-aware narrator. I thought Chua’s book was hilarious and it helped me understand why I felt so bewildered by the other parents in the cutthroat (!!) Suzuki studio my kid asked to attend when they were small (I grew up first gen working class in a family that was education-agnostic at best and had never heard of Suzuki). Finishing the book, I thought she’d be fun to go have a glass of wine with! I’d have to self-identify as a D- Suzuki parent of course, endlessly mired in Book One. 
But my kid loved the program. I placed no pressure on them, which I’m sure Chua would have happily told me was a mistake. BUT–then the author dug herself, perhaps inadvertently, some very big holes later on with future books and behavior. It’s an interesting case study over time.
5 Likes
Ah, Suzuki! That brings back memories As the non-musical parent married to a former band kid, when ours started violin lessons as part of their K-12 school i remember hearing suzuki book whatever and not knowing what i was doing i answered “Book 3 has that really hard one she is stuck on “ when a parent in the same grade asked where D was. Oops. She went full tiger mom and made her kid do double lessons all summer to not only catch up but get ahead of D. Same parent demanded (and succeeded !) in getting her kid to give weekly personal show and tells in 6th grade advisory on the books she was reading because she was gifted (mind you, based on the standard definition our publics use which is above 94th%ile , about 25% of this private school is academically gifted). Thankfully she transferred out of the school before 9th. It did not go well in her new school unfortunately—too large and too much pressure considering how mom had connived special perks at the private.
That mom was a tiger parent extraordinaire!
2 Likes
The comments about music are giving me PTSD and the stress that educators can also put on kids, in addition to parents.
My kid taught herself to play piano by ear around the age of 3. We had a piano in the house and one day she was sitting at the bench and suddenly she was playing the Barney theme song (not Mozart ; )). I dug out my old piano books and started teaching her to read music and she started formal lessons with a teacher at age 5, because she wanted to. By age 8, the teacher referred her to a more “advanced” teacher. By 10, the same thing. By 11, the new teacher was saying she needed to be studying theory at the local conservatory (she started composing at age 9). By 12, my D was saying that lessons and conservatory classes were sucking the joy out of playing. We totally backed off. Her teacher was appalled that I wasn’t “forcing her” to continue conservatory lessons and that I refused to enforce hours and hours of practice time. And, gasp, that I was letting her play volleyball when she asked to pick up a sport and “letting her” accompany at school (because she should have been practicing “serious music”). At 14, that teacher fired us from the studio because we were “wasting her time”.
Thank goodness we found an amazing teacher who only worked with HS and college students and his main goal was to make sure his students had a life long love for the piano. No pressure to compete, no time requirements for practicing, no scales/warm ups, no pressure to even do recitals, and he was super supportive of all the accompanying she was doing for shows and the school choir. Interestingly, that approach re-energized our D and her love of competition and performing came back with a flourish. She ended up beating out the students in the old studio in competitions and asking to do more and more performances.
Most importantly, she continued playing on college, and she’ll sit at the piano any time she is feeling stressed out as it’s her happy place.
We had a similar experience with her dance teacher who around 3rd grade said she needed to join the “travel team”. Nope, she had other interests and no desire to be dancing 5 days/week. She dropped dance entirely when she started volleyball but then picked that back up when she started doing music theater. Even took a dance class at college.
Same push happened at the start of HS with volleyball. Kids couldn’t make varsity unless they were playing club all year round.
The high pressure approach just never worked with my D and had we been tiger parents, her childhood would have been miserable.
15 Likes
Great stories. I think that is another good litmus test–if you ignore/fire tigerish tutors and coaches and such, you are probably not a very tigerish parent. If you seek them out, though . . . .
7 Likes
Pushing a child to practice music seems like a total waste of time to me. The ones with real musical aptitude beg for music lessons; you don’t have to push them. I’ve seen it close up. A good family friend (now deceased) was a professional jazz singer and piano player. She could quote endlessly, weird funny quotes, pulling from any genre, all while carrying on a conversation. She could sight read any music while simultaneously transposing it into any key desired. Her husband was also a professional musician. All of the kids grew up to be professional session musicians. Nobody had to make these kids practice.
4 Likes
Yeah, it kinda broke my heart when S24 stopped wanting to play electric guitar, but it is not like I really want to do it either (I got a couple lessons from a friend once, and then was out). Whatever it is that makes some people into musicians, we don’t have it, and that’s OK.
3 Likes
I seriously thought about majoring in piano performance in college (my mom told me I was rhythmic and musical at a very young age). But the people I knew who chose that path said close to what you did, that studying it on that level sucked the joy out of playing.
I loved competing in piano contests when I was in high school, so I hoped my daughter would follow in my footsteps. But that wasn’t her, so I backed off. She switched to jazz from classical, and at 26 she plays a lot, occasionally with a band, and has music on Spotify. She also plays when she’s anxious!
4 Likes
I think many coaches and teachers are big contributors to the tiger parent phenomenon.
It seems that now, if a child has any talent at all and/or want to be grouped with others who take the sport or activity seriously and have genuine passion for it, then parents are pushed to pursue (or guilted into) expensive year-round travel teams or grueling practice and competition schedules.
Then those same coaches and parents will gaslight the parents who have any concerns about placement or favoritism — or any criticism of coaching or teaching style or approach whatsoever — by admonishing the parents not to be “one of those parents who take it too seriously” because this is all “supposed to be fun” for the kids.
I was left disgusted by a system that seems to work as a big money grab from anxious parents, who are led to believe they will squander their kid’s talents and opportunities if they do not participate, combined with a lack of accountability when that same anxiety is weaponized against the parents to discourage any criticism or complaint.
11 Likes
Ahh, the piano. My W grew up with teachers that rapped her knuckles, so she decided to pass down the tradition with a very strict teacher for our kids – posture, finger position, pieces to play for competition. I could see my kids were miserable, so luckily I was able to convince my W that our kids were never going to be super high level musicians and if we wanted them to love music for music’s sake, we needed to change direction, so we switched to the nice encouraging “grandma” instructor. Huge difference. Kids when they come home can’t wait to jump on the piano. S actually wrote about how playing the piano relaxes him in one of his essays.
7 Likes
lol, no. The ones with real musical talent don’t always beg for lessons. My sister at 5 asked my mom how she knew what notes to play. My mom drew a staff on a pantyhose cardboard insert and showed her the notes on the piano. The next day my mom woke up to her playing her music - both hands, chords and all.
She had lessons with great teachers, but she never ever wanted to practice. She was very lazy with everything. She would practice maybe an hour a week. Still, she was featured on NPR with a now super famous violinist. She won all kinds of competitions, played with orchestras in middle school, etc. 3 weeks before she was to perform Tchaikovsky‘s concerto no 1, she hadn’t even started to learn the last movement. Performance day? Flawless.
Drove my mother crazy (and me, aka the tag along sister) who always wished her could really play. My Mom always really wanted to sing and tried out for a large city community theater. My sister was 10 (and the size of a 7 year old) and was her accompanist. My mom started to sing and stopped and told my sister she didn’t like that key and could she play it in a different one. My sister transposed the work on the spot. The director fell out of his chair and asked my sister if she sang. She shrugged and said she guessed so. She wound up getting the lead child’s role without ever having a lesson.
The piano director of a well known music school called her asking if she’d be one of her students. She turned her down and went to our state public school. She wanted to catch a husband, lol. She did major in music - because she didn’t have to work hard - and she got a full scholarship and then some. She had a private benefactor.
She did get married and finally discovered her work ethic. She got a master in education, taught in the schools in music, then was a church music director while being a SAHM and now back to teaching middle school music. She puts in 80 hpw doing that. She is really good, fun and creative, and I don’t think her school quite realizes what they have. She has a huge soft spot for special Ed kids (she has one) and the things she does with them are amazing.
7 Likes
Great post. Our oldest was a very similar kid. Started Suzuki piano by 5, was playing Bach by the end of that year. Parents would corner me, teachers would corner me, would get grilled constantly. Same kid was reading Harry Potter by 6. People assumed I was doing something magic behind the scenes. Nope. Just trying to keep up with him.
We made some radical for our area educational decisions just to eliminate some societal competition that seems to exist in some urban schools in our area.
That kid did continue piano through high school with high level but measured teachers. Did do a couple concerto competitions at middle school age, decided that wasn’t for him. Has always just stayed in his lane, not particularly interested in head to head competition.
High pressure parenting and childhood would not have worked here at all. And yes, there was both positive and negative stuff that came from teachers I was happy when that kiddo got past the age where he really stood out.
This kid went to a well regarded state flagship (got unusual merit, didn’t apply to need only privates though he definitely had the stats) and got 2 degrees (one in music, not piano performance). Invited to Phi Beta Kappa, graduated with high honors. Couldn’t even be bothered to go pick up his several honors cords for graduation. 
Working a $$$$$ stem job at 23, doing music (enjoys composing/writing) on the side. We’ll see where he goes from here.
5 Likes
I told a coach to go f himself one day when he cornered me in the parking lot. We’re still friendly. He learned very quickly that I didn’t care about soccer, and there was absolutely nothing he could hold over my head. It made our relationship much easier to navigate. Other parents told me my son was doomed after they found out. They were wrong.
4 Likes
Oh, wow, now we are on to music lessons - this thread is clearly satisfying a need that none of us (at least not me!) were aware of. In our case, my daughter has real musical talent, but she almost gave up on it because of overly-rigid teachers. She loved (and now loves again) piano, but all of the piano teachers we tried in Tokyo insisted that she had to play in recitals and, maybe worse, had to wear a dress for recitals. I think she did one, but she really hated being out there in the spotlight and said “no more.” We tried to find someplace with a different policy but it was impossible. Such a waste. Now, almost accidentally, she has her music back through the wonders of Instagram Live. She works with an international group of musicians and composers and has started writing and recording music in response to requests. I understand the Surgeon General wants to put warnings on social media and I guess I can understand the concerns, but for my daughter, I think her music teachers were a bigger menace.
3 Likes
Just curious, am I the only one who’s just too lazy to be a tiger parent?
My philosophy was always that I wanted my kids to explore their world and try whatever they wanted to. But I was absolutely not going to force them to do or stay with any activity because, to be honest, it was enough of a pain in the butt to get happy kids to lessons and I wasn’t going to add “dragging a reluctant kid” to my daily to-do list. (I did, however, always make them finish out the season/session, because you just don’t leave a team in the middle of a season).
Which is not to say I denied my kids opportunity. Among the three of them, I don’t think there’s a sport or activity they didn’t at least try: theater, chorus, gymnastics, parkour, dance, volleyball, baseball, soccer, lacrosse, golf, tennis, tae kwon do, drums, piano, oboe, guitar, scouts, yguides, art, pottery, etc. But it was all in service of letting them find what they liked, not to make sure they’d be great at any particular thing.
(academically, I’m a tiger mom lite. My kids are required to take the most challenging courses available in each academic subject and are expected to strive for As, but they get to choose their electives and aren’t punished when their grades fall short).
1 Like