Wow, your sister was a real prodigy!! I could never transpose in my head. My D can improvise beautifully, and that amazes me, too. She can really express how she’s feeling through her music.
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Tiger mom lite huh? I see requiring kids take the hardest classes as tiger mom regular strength.
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She was and just didn’t really care. It was just something she could do easily. Aggravating to many who would have loved to have her talent, but she did what she wanted to do and is living a nice little quiet life. Her definition of success.
But yes - improv just blows my engineering mind. I could play well - not like her and not without effort - but never in a million years could I improv. Jazz? Just can’t imagine being able to do that.
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Nope! Sometime in early middle school I stopped checking if my kids had done their homework. And it was so freeing! My dad would say (as one of 8 kids) that this is a major benefit of large families, there’s no way Mom can check everyone’s homework.
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Agreed! I tell my oldest kid that they are very lucky we had three kids. I think I have some tiger parent tendencies and it was somewhat how I was raised. But two parents working full time and with three kids, left ours much more in charge of themselves. I think it worked out very well for them. They are awesome, independent, hard working and followed passions that mattered to them.
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That was us. 
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I was also of the parenting philosophy of exposing my kids to lots of different things and seeing what stuck. We tried all different types of activities but I let them decide what they enjoyed. My only requirements were that they had to be able to swim, ice skate, ride a bike, and at least try music lessons. The older one did gravitate to music and still plays for enjoyment, the younger one more towards tech and engineering. They both enjoyed visual arts. Neither were particularly athletic. I made sure they had lots of enriching materials and books at home and read to them from an early age.
The only thing I was strict about was academics. They were both bright and highly capable and we had high expectations. I wanted to instill a strong work ethic and for them to live up to their abilities, but I would never berate them for a bad mark or withhold privileges. I had varying success. S#1 was bored at school so didn’t put in much effort and his marks in elementary school pretty much reflected that. S#2 struggled initially and was eventually diagnosed with an LD. I still feel guilty over not realizing sooner that there was more to his struggles than immaturity or laziness. If they needed extra help I helped. We continued to encourage and expose them to enriching opportunities. Once they hit high school though I was much more hands off. I mostly counselled, advised, and encouraged, and if they needed extra help, tutors were made available. I got down into the weeds to educate myself on optimum course selection for their goals and interests, what was needed for them to be admitted to good universities, and to help them decide on programs. I could probably be a university admissions counsellor at this point.
In the case of S#1 his peer group provided all the push he needed. We live in an area with a large Asian immigrant population. Many of his friends and classmates had tiger parents and were competitive high achievers. He internalized some of that and began to challenge himself to excel. As a result I didn’t need to push him. He’s still much more laid back than they though and sometimes I wish he’d show a bit more hustle, but he is who he is and you can’t fight intrinsic personalities. The most I can do is recommend. He’s managed to succeed none the less doing things his way though may be not as much as he’s capable of. Academically he has excelled beyond even what we expected of him.
S#2’s path has been more challenging. While both of the kids are emotionally sensitive, S#2 is especially so. He would have crumbled under the pressure of tiger parenting had I so been inclined. For him the lessons we most wanted him to internalize were ones of resiliency, perseverance, and to believe in himself. We have been very cognizant of his mental health while still holding him to high expectations. It’s been a delicate balancing act. Do I wish that he’d be more inclined to put in more effort than the bare minimum? Do I get frustrated because I know he’s capable of excelling more? Yes, but I can’t force that. He’s got to decide that for himself. At the end of the day all I can do is provide love and support and hope that it’s enough. He’s picked a challenging major for university and while it hasn’t been smooth sailing, he hasn’t given up and he will graduate, even if it won’t be with the greatest GPA.
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I think, in short, tiger parenting is that thing that I’m definitely not doing but that other people are doing that I didn’t do, because I am not a tiger parent and am therefore free to judge. 
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Neither of my 2 kids have any musical talent. They thought they had some talent but worst renditions of Hot Cross Buns I ever heard. Their singing is even worse.
But theyre both really good people and very high on the average excellent academic scale.
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Oh no, it sounds exhausting and there is no way I would add all that to my own plate.
Now, I would like to believe that is not the ONLY reason for my parenting philosophy, and that it is not ALL rationalization, but who can say?
By the way, this again is making me realize how a lot of different things can kinda hang together. We joke with our kids all the time about how we are just going for solid C parenting grades, maybe a C-, D+ in a pinch, so don’t expect too much. I think they know we do in fact love them and try to be good parents, but the point of the joke is we do not particularly care how we compare to other parents, we are just doing what we think is a good idea.
So we are not exactly being very tigerish with ourselves, which undoubtedly reinforces not actually being very tigerish with our kids.
On the other hand, buried behind the joke is a sort of, “But of course, joking aside, you do have to try to do well, even if that is on your own terms,” which is not entirely the opposite either.
I’m too lazy and exhausted to be a tiger parent. We had a rule: neither of our kids got to participate in activities that would take over the whole household. No travel teams, no super-expensive private enrichment programs, etc. We don’t have the energy, money, or time for that. Music was through school (with some low-key private instruction on the side). Community service has been through local organizations (no one’s starting any non-profits!). Sports were recreational divisions. Both kids stopped playing after middle school, because athletics at our HS are super-competitive, and neither kid had the drive or desire for that. Incidentally, my son – who was a very good, but not HS-varsity-good baseball player – had an absolutely miserable final season, when some of the parents decided to move the team up a level, into a division where they really had no business playing, because the dads had their eyes on HS varsity and college recruiting for their sons (these were 7th and 8th graders, mostly). It was awful.
Instead of high-stakes activities, we presented our kids with opportunities that seemed in line with their interests, figured out what they would latch onto, and helped them find more opportunities along those lines. Some didn’t stick, some did. Our only rule was that by HS, they had to find a couple of long-term, sustained commitments – not so much because it would look good on college applications, but because there’s value in sticking with something even when it gets tedious or boring, and using it to challenge yourself and develop your interests and experience. They found their niches that way (D 23: journalism and environmental work/nature education; S 26: music, journalism, and a new community service commitment that seems very promising). D, now a rising sophomore in college, has found ways to continue to develop her EC interests.
Academically, we are attentive but not tiger-y. We have kept tabs on grades (not for my D23 anymore, of course – this is only in HS), and we had few requirements: they had to challenge themselves (within reason), they had to take a language to the highest available level, and they had to turn in all their work. We also tend to talk about school a lot in our home - not because we’re surveilling them, but because we’re interested. Overall, our approach is about effort and attitude, not grades, because we trust that with the right effort, the grades will follow, and they have.
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I just never had to push my kids because they pushed themselves. My older one was driven and competitive and came home from school the first day of high school amd announced she was going to a top school. Um, ok. And she did. And then she was such a snob that she made her sister feel that it was completely unacceptable to not go to a top school. We thought that was crazy because she was going to study nursing but she applied and got into two of the best nursing schools in the country and went to one.
My kids were the opposite! Totally non-competitive. They came that way, especially my oldest. We had no rules except do your math homework (they are both average in math but hated it) and be kind. And those were unspoken and unwritten.
I am the complete anti Tiger Parent.
We did not do any sports at all besides running around in the woods at hippie school.
We did not do board games even. They hated them, especially my oldest. My DH and my youngest would play Go Fish or Crazy 8s and make jokes the whole time. Oldest didn’t even want in on that. I kept buying board games that never got used. They did like Apples to Apples but only cause it’s funny — nothing competitive for them. We did have a few cooperative games but they didn’t really like them either.
They loved dance when they were little and just got to twirl around in colorful costumes. They quit that in 9th grade and 6th grade at the same time in the middle of the year. I was disappointed they didn’t want to finish the season but they were adamant they wanted to quit and my oldest was having a really hard time in general so they quit. Neither of them had great teachers that year anyway.
They both loved art always and still do art for fun. My youngest loves writing and scored quite high on assessments. My D22 is considering adding an art minor to her Creative writing degree.
They loved theater and were engaged in that from elementary school through high school. My oldest loved making costumes too and doing cosplay through high school. I think theater teaches every value that sports does and probably better. Incredible activity for learning to work together as a team.
They were exposed to music. DH and I both love indie rock type stuff and there’s always music going on the house. We know a lot of people who make their livings as professional musicians. We did a mommy and me class with D22 when she was little and have had various instruments in the house at all times. I was a former high school band geek and DH played bass in his college band but honestly neither one of them is talented musically or interested enough to pursue it to any degree of proficiency. We bought them a few instruments though.
My oldest loves geography. Have y’all ever played Worldle? Try it sometime. My oldest can always get it. Even the teeny tiny islands. https://worldle.teuteuf.fr/ That kid is insatiably curious but just dances to a different drum.
I did push swimming lessons and I also pushed volunteering at an animal shelter in high school for mental health reasons. And I pushed on doing the math homework and going to school and graduating. I also pushed a little on doing drivers Ed but only because I wanted my oldest to be able to drive with me with a permit before they turned 18. Younger one got caught in COVID drivers Ed issues.
I’m a very not pushy parent. But I don’t think I’m a pushover either. I am supportive I think.
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I have a brother who is a helicopter/snow plow parent, and you almost threw him off this site. I will be more thoughtful with my S25.
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We introduced our son to a lot, but if anything we held him back from the pace the outside world wanted for him. When he started reading at 2, we were pressured to enroll him in academic programs and to get him tested, but we chose kiddie soccer and fun bus instead. There is such a short time to be a kid, to play and to learn to make friends and we knew from our childhoods that being smart already separates you from other kids and he is so much smarter than either of us. He was bored academically in public school but he made friends, played on multiple sports teams, acted in plays, took top classes, volunteered, and was in the orchestra. We introduced him to books and topics we thought would interest him outside of school but let him choose his activities. Our house is full of puzzle cubes and Legos.
At college he finally has the opportunity to learn at his level and pace. He raced through the math major in 2 years and has been taking math grad courses, despite us telling him to slow down and make sure he is enjoying his college years. He added a CS major also because it is a “really easy” major and is also a physics major while TAing multiple courses each semester. He is researching math on campus again this summer while also writing up class notes and homework assignments for 2 new adv & grad math courses to be offered in September. His math mentor professor told us last summer that he absorbs everything as fast as he can put it in front of him.
He still is a normal kid though who has many groups of friends, starts on club rugby team, and has an arts/theater focused girlfriend. I hope he will be successful in life and won’t regret that we didn’t push him harder, but our focus was always on him being happy and having friends.
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My son LOVES Worldle (especially since they added all of the bonus questions)! And Globle. And just memorizing capitals and flags. And some other game in which you time yourself to see how long it takes to name every country/capital in the world. He’s very competitive, but mostly with himself, and he loves any geographic challenge.
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Yeah Globle is good too. Our oldest got us playing them. I am learning so much. Still can’t do them without a little help from Google Maps sometimes but I’m getting better.
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Give Geoguessr a try! It is so fun. I sometimes “help” my son play, and my travel experiences can come in handy, but he’s way better than I am at most of it. He recognizes all the world languages by sight, and can usually tell you what country you’re in by just looking at a random road 
. Sort of a weird hobby, but kind of neat.
Geography is one of my kid’s hobbies, even though he didn’t take any geography classes. His hobbies are just for fun and aren’t anything you’d list on a college application. Though interestingly, he was able to write a nice common app essay about them.
We are definitely not tiger parents. My spouse has an anxiety disorder, was pushed pretty hard and mostly “succeeded” (valedictorian, all-state athlete, etc.), only to feel like it really wasn’t worth all the stress. I had a nervous breakdown last semester of HS and almost didn’t graduate because my mom was so angry when I tried to discuss my reservations about college. My whole life I was accused of not working hard enough and not living up to my potential, even as an NMF. I mean, I wasn’t doing my “best” in school, but so what? I was a great kid, with mostly good grades, working hard at things that mattered to me (music and volunteer work, at that time).
We ask our kids to take classes that make them learn stuff, they need to take some classes in the arts (music, visual art, whatever), do a few years of foreign language, etc. Our youngest has signed up for HS courses next year that don’t make a lot of sense to us, including dropping band and foreign language. But he gave good rationale for his decisions, and his selections do meet our stipulations, so we’re cool with it. Our eldest asked for our advice on courses and followed all of it.
They’re different kids, with different challenges, and they’re both doing great. We constantly had to remind our oldest that we don’t care if he gets A’s in everything (he did anyway). We’ve asked our youngest to please not fail any required classes, and try to keep his GPA over 3.0, which he has done. He’s always had problems persevering with extracurriculars even though he is good at most of the stuff he’s tried.
So at age 14 we told him he had to get a job, and that has really made him shine. Now he’s 16, still in the same job, still walks to work, is great at what he does (crappy food service), is his manager’s favorite, and is SO proud. It has done wonders for his maturity and sense of self. We don’t know what kind of college he’ll go to, or if he’ll even attend college, but we feel good about how he’s developing into early adulthood.
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That’s more our parenting style too. Jobs do wonders for self-esteem! Our oldest really started to seem so much more confident after working at Starbucks.
I used to play GeoGuessr a few years ago. Thanks for reminding me of it.
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I haven’t read the past 239 comments, but I will say that I grew up lower middle class. No parental college degrees, no paid off cars or homes, no international travel, no orthodontia. We had health insurance because of unions.
You’re damn straight I’m a tiger mom to a point. My upper middle class in laws clutch their pearls, but I’m like, the rules of the game have changed significantly. I know my smart-but-B+ upper middle class white kid is not going to an elite college, and we aren’t looking for that. But still. I need to know that UCs gave FIL, DH, and me admission and they will probably not give admission to D25. Fine by me; I just need to know that the playing field is in order to set my kids up to negotiate it.
I’m a tiger parent in that I grew up in a family that just got along to go along and I am more hands-on. My inlaws totally think I’m a tiger parent and I find that laughable when they were the ones who forced DH to attend church and the same UC they all attended. I just want to know that D25 has no realistic chance at most of the UCs than say, “you can do anything!!11!” and set someone up for dissappointment. The rules have changed and I just want to see the writing on the wall and be prepared. If that makes me a Tiger Mom, so be it.
I think anyone who has ever traveled or done anything, anywhere has started to see this. You want to get tickets to the Anne Frank House? You better set your alarm 3 months out, or you won’t be able to go. You want to get a new dentist for your kid, good luck to find someone with an opening in the next 4 months’ time. You want an SAT test appointment in Northern California? No more for 2024, thanks though. We have scarcity now for quality goods and you have to be primed to jump on openings and opportunities. This was not the case for my parents in the 70s and 80s. I find the Tiger Mom moniker racist and sexist and ignores the fact that there is scarcity and administrative hurdles for everything and to chalk it up to a trope is frustrating. I have to pay attention to when tickets are released, what doctor has openings, and, yes, the fact that UC admission is now a total crapshot and make alternate arrangements. It is a symptom, not a cause.
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