I agree 100%. It is an unfortunate trend - especially for people that are earlier in their career.
I agree. Part of it is choosing activities in which the assessments are fairly gentle.
I served in the USAF. When I attended UPT there were still a few Vietnam era combat pilots. Feedback was blunt and without tact…but objective. You either passed or you didn’t and if the latter no one gave a -blank- about your feelings. One of our students burst into tears after failing a squadron commander check flight. The crusty old LtCol screamed at her that military pilots DO NOT cry in public, especially in front of the troops. Period. End of discussion. She toughened up and passed on her last try, going on to a distinguished flying career.
Tough love works.
One of the jobs I applied for coming out of grad school had a pretty notorious test (sort of an SAT on steroids). There were no gray areas. You either were over the bar (and therefore got advanced in the interview process) or you were below the bar (and got a terse rejection letter). I remember leaving the test sure that I had flunked (it was a lot more math than I had expected) and was shocked that I passed. At my next interview I expressed my surprise to the interviewer and he checked my file and laughed “It doesn’t matter what you got; you are sitting here today which means you were over the bar”. Translation- you scored as low as you could, but a pass is a pass and here we are!
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Sorry, but there is absolutely no reason to glorify that sort of behavior. It’s that entire dumb idea that “Showing Emotions Besides Uncontrollable Rage is Weak” which resulted in generations of soldiers whose emotional lives and the lives of their families were horrific. Soldiers who refused to talk about their experiences and were emotionally distant from their families or worse, were abusive. Soldiers who wouldn’t cry but who would rage at their friends, family, and even strangers over minor issues. Sometimes it’s worse.
“Real” men cry.
The irony of that “crusty old LtCol” losing control and screaming at the student losing control, because the only emotion that LtCol was capable to feeling and showing was uncontrollable rage, seems to have been lost. Because somehow, raging at some young soldier is “acceptable” display of emotion, but crying is not.
That LtCol was far worse at self control and emotional regulation that the poor student, and he had far less justification. Nothing happened to him except seeing somebody else displaying emotion.
Again, the idea that the inability to stop tears is “weak”, but the inability to control rage is “strong” is beyond messed up.
I feel sorry for the LtCol’s family and subordinates. I really do.
BTW, I was a first sergeant and senior combat medic and served three years as a regular soldier and eleven as a reservist (a month active duty a year). I have been in combat, and have served with commanders who had far more experience than I did. So yes, I know all about the stress of active duty. I’m pretty darn crusty myself on bad days.
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Thanks for your perspective and for your service.
I agree with virtually all of what you said. The point I was trying to convey (apparently poorly) is the need to maintain composure and keep cool under pressure. Of course there is the bigger, very important consideration of the life impact from service. Our men and women do need ways to express and process emotions and events. Not only after their service is completed but along the way as things are happening. You can’t keep it bottled up. Also, criticize in private, praise in public is usually (though not always) preferred.
I should have also mentioned as a servant leader (I know that term is getting overused but it still applies) it is critical to support our folks. What doesn’t affect me could affect someone else in a different way. My job is to give them the support they need. Now, of course, standards and combat effectiveness need to be maintained. Otherwise you can’t accomplish the mission, which is primary.
All that said, thanks again. You’re reminding me that the fighting end of the military is really run by the senior NCO’s, not commissioned officers.
To any future second lieutenants reading this: Take the advice and suggestions from everyone on your team, especially NCO’s with decades of experience, very seriously.
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