Is your graduating college senior burying his/her head in the sand?

Parent Cafe
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<p>Here’s what I did and it seems to be working…(From my blog [A</a> Soft Kick in the Pants](<a href=“http://pinnacle07.■■■■■■■■■■■■■/]A”>http://pinnacle07.■■■■■■■■■■■■■/))</p>

<p>Do you have a soon-to-be or recent college grad that just doesn’t appear to be doing what is needed to land on their feet after graduation? Or is your young adult, over 21, still living at home, without any definite plans for the future? </p>

<p>Today, more than ever it is imperative that parents motivate their young adult children to adjust to the real world. Young adults, over 21 years of age, need to be self-sufficient, independent, contributing members of society. With the economic situation of the country in a turmoil, it would be quite easy for our young adults to sitback and wait for better times, while living with the comforts that Mom and Dad provide. And that may be fine for a minute, but parents need to set limitations on their assistance. The economy may not get better, and our current dismal economic situation, may actually become our long-term reality. Life will pass them by if they wait it out, or wait for that rainbow after the thunderstorm. Yes, the rainbow will surely come, but the pot of gold will be gone to the person that didn’t wait for calmer weather.</p>

<p>Parents, if you are supporting your young adult in any way, then you truly have control. The fine line is using your control without damaging your relationship with your young adult child. This is another instance when management 101 is needed. In no uncertain terms you need to request or require that your young adult complete a weekly calendar with their action plans, activities and tasks to be completed for the upcoming week. And also have them submit the outcome of those activities on a weekly basis. Some young adults will submit actual calendars with a little nudging. Some will most definitely require much more motivation. On-line calendars or templates sent via e-mail may be best because it is easy to track and accessible from anywhere in the world that you or your young adult may be. So no excuses. If they still give you any flack, then tough love may be required. No paying their cell phone, charge higher rent, etc. If you impact their pocketbook, they will soon submit, or get their life together so they don’t have to deal with the situation. The key is that you have to make sure that they follow through by your weekly requested time for submission, and gently remind them, if they miss their deadline. It works well if you are sitll paying their cell phone bill or other bills. You can simply dis-able their line, or stop paying their bills. However, in most situations this will not be needed. Most people, young adults included, want to be self-sufficient, we just have to make sure that they do not bury their head in the sand, because they may become lost forever.</p>

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<p>Well I just don’t get this. While I can understand setting limits with an adult child I can’t imagine demanding an activites calendar and requiring results each week. Then what? A gold star if they do what they are supposed to?<br>
Does this strike anyone else as similar to the chore chart for elementary school kids?
How about an adult conversation with clear rules about what is expected in terms of financial and other contributions for anyone who is a member of the household and consequences if those agreements are not kept? How about a specific timeline for the young adult to move out?</p>

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<p>Is this an American thing? In Asia, families continue to provide support and adult children do live with their families until they are ready to form their own households.</p>

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<p>It’s an American thing.</p>

<p>Although expectations vary somewhat in different American ethnic groups and communities, for many Americans, any situation where a young person who has graduated from college is still living with his or her parents has the taint of failure about it.</p>

<p>It has to do with independence, something that typical Americans value more than people in many other countries do. </p>

<p>Independence doesn’t necessarily mean living alone, though. Somehow, a young adult who is sharing an apartment or house with unrelated roommates – or one who is living with a spouse or boyfriend/girlfriend – is considered independent. A young person who is sharing an apartment or house with family members is not – even if the young person is contributing a fair share to the running of the household. I am not sure that this makes sense, but I know that it is an attitude that is deeply felt by many Americans.</p>

<p>During one period in her adult life, my sister lived with our father because she had a job near his home and wanted to save up money to go to graduate school. Living with him was cheaper than any other alternative, and the two of them enjoyed each other’s company. Logically, I know it was a good idea, but I have to force myself not to think of that period of her life as one of failure.</p>

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<p>I haven’t lived at home since I was 18. If you are mid-20s, male, and living at home something needs to change.</p>

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<p>I see. So you’re saying that your upbringing should be a model for the rest of the world?</p>

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<p>Weekly reports? Hmmm…I don’t think so. Sounds pretty weird to me. </p>

<p>I DO believe that all family members at home need to contribute. So, if my son hangs out with us past 21, he’s taking out trash, doing laundry, shopping, doing yard work. </p>

<p>My h lived with his “rents” for a couple of years after college while he tried out various jobs (during a VERY tough economy). He made it out and is doing just great. I just don’t see it as a big deal…</p>

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<p>Well, in the part of the U.S. in which I was raised multi-generational living wasn’t uncommon and worked well. In the part of the U.S. in which I live now there are many two generation living situations and lots of retired grandparents doing daily childcare. I should only be so lucky in the future!</p>

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<p>“Is your graduating college senior burying his/her head in the sand?”</p>

<p>Heck, <em>I</em> am burying my head in the sand. Anything to make the world STOP for a little bit.</p>

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<p>In my experience viscosity of the soon-to-graduate young adult increases with the pressure/nagging applied. My D does better on her own, and I just realized that I’m only nagging her to do things that she told me she needed to do.</p>

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<p>Yes. I fail to see how the OP’s strategy of micromanaging their adult child’s life actually promotes self-sufficiency or independence.</p>

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<p>IMHO, there is nothing wrong with a child living at home, and btw, my mom may also come live with me. My expectation would be that said child would be able to save more $$.</p>

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No, I’m saying in modern American culture if you fit the criteria I just described you are probably a loser (some exceptions).</p>

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<p>Heck, <em>I</em> am burying my head in the sand. Anything to make the world STOP for a little bit.</p>

<p>Sand, that would be on a beach right? And I wouldn’t have to wear socks?
:)</p>

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<p>McKenzie’s first post with a link to his blog and he hasn’t been back yet. Hmm…wonder what he’s up to?</p>

<p>ek…you crack me up :)</p>

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<p>Trying to drive traffic to the blog probably. EK I’m with you. And can we get a little tropical drink delivered by a cabana boy while we are at it?</p>

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<p>My D’s definitely sticking her head in the sand. I keep asking “When am I getting grandchildren?” and she keeps saying “When I’m d**ned ready.” I mean, what do I have to do to get her, um, motivated?</p>

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<p>That’s why we’re moving to the beach soon, emeraldkity4. There’s not enough sand around here…just lottsa concrete and that stuff <em>hurts</em>!</p>

<p>NewHope33 – Offer money. If she’s not married, offer more money.</p>

<p>Kidding…I’m kidding.</p>

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<p>Once when my D was younger, she was going through her room & had a big pile of clothes and things she wanted me to dispose of.
( I don’t know where she came from, I will purge things every once in a while, but H has stuff he hasn’t even looked at in decades)</p>

<p>I said to her * Maybe you want to save something for when you have children?*</p>

<p>She gave me a scathing look ( I think she was about eight )and said

  • I’m not having any ** stupid** children*.
    :frowning:
    I couldn’t help myself, cause then I had to say
  • You don’t have to have stupid ones*</p>
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<p>S1 (engineer) will grad in a couple of months. He accepted a job in September with a Fortune 100 company and has not even casually pursued any other employment since. Dad and Mom are praying the position is still there come June.</p>