Issue re DNA match

Parent Cafe
1

I would like some feedback.

My hobby is genealogy. My adult kid did a DNA test with a different co. than I used. Kid lets me sign in to see matches. 2 weeks ago, I noticed a relatively close match w/a surname I didn’t recognize. I read the profile and reason for DNA test was “want to know who my bio dad was.” He is a senior citizen living in the place where one side of my family has lived for several generations. He also matches 4 other people I’ve never met in person but “know” through genealogy. I can tell he is most definitely a descendant of my great-grandparents.

So, I asked him questions and tried to narrow it down. He said he doesn’t want to talk on the phone, only email. Fine. He sent me some additional info about his mom. I told him that I’ve talked to some other family members. 2 might be willing to take a DNA test to help narrow this down but that would have to be worked out between him and them directly.

After a few exchanges of info, it becomes evident that he is suspicious of my motives. I suspect one of his (adult) kids is reading the messages. Then I get an email telling me that due to health reasons, he can’t work on this right now. I believe him and tell him the surname of the family he’s related to–knowing that he will recognize it as the place he lives isn’t all that big. I also explain that since his male haplogroup doesn’t match, his bio father didn’t have the family surname. I tell him what I’ve been able to figure out and say he might want to keep this for later or just in case one of his children wants to pursue this at some later time.

A week goes by. I get another email which doesn’t mention the earlier one about being sick. He says he has a relative that wants to pursue this. “The lady who is helping me” will contact me. Then my kid gets a flurry of messages asking to share DNA with him.

I THINK what’s going on is that his adult kids have hired someone to deal with me because they think I may try to take advantage of him. I didn’t ask for anything and made it clear I’m not a professional and genealogy is a hobby. I’ve done a fair amount of work trying to narrow this down. While some people in my extended family who are genealogy "friends "of mine–we’ve never met in real life–are willing to help others definitely aren’t. They are suspicious of HIS motives.

Here’s the bottom line. I am willing to share info with an elderly man who wants to know who his father is. (He was raised by his mom who just would never tell him anything about his dad.) I am willing to approach family members who “know” me through genealogy and tell them he’s a legit match.

But I am reluctant to spend any time “working with” or giving info to a professional who will charge him for getting info from me. I am especially reluctant because I have no way of knowing whether the professional will claim to have “researched” info I found.

It also has left a sour taste in my mouth that, having given him info it would have taken weeks for a professional to figure out–if (s)he could ever figure it out–my “reward” is to have someone hired to deal with me and pump me for even more info.

Am I being silly? I want to figure out how I should respond before I am contacted.

2

Can you just directly send him all the information you have?

3

What do they mean they want your kids to “share DNA” with him? I’d restate the offer to try to help him connect to the other 2 adult members of your family (who I gather are your generation) but I wouldn’t let my kids share DNA with these people.

4

I guess my message is unclear. I know his bio dad has to be one of a certain number of men who are descendants of my great-grandparents. I am NOT willing to give him the names of all of these people. I am certainly not willing to give him contact info for their descendants without the consent of the descendants.

The easist way to narrow things down would be for some of the descendants to take DNA tests. I told him that, but said he would have to work it out directly with these people. I only have one descendant who said he would definitely take one, but he wanted to talk to the man seeking his bio father directly first.

Another is convinced he can’t be part of her branch of the family. I suspect that what she will do is take a DNA test on the same site and see if she matches and how close the match is before giving him any info.

5

I think if I were in your shoes I’d pull back. You’ve already put out enough info that can be used if this man so chooses.

Now there is just too much drama coming in – too much of a potential for someone, somewhere to get upset & angry.

I recently found a 3rd cousin through a DNA match. He lives quite near me and we are now socializing on an occasional basis. It was very smooth – we both enjoyed the sleuthing process to figure out where the connection was – made a little trickier because 23andme said we were 2nd cousins, so it took a while to figure out that we were looking at the wrong generation. But once I figured out which side of the family was the source of the connection, it wasn’t that hard – fortunately there is another cousin out there who has put together a fairly detailed family tree for that side of the family.

But the key was that it was very easy communications … if there had been any hint of weirdness I would have simply stopped following up. This guy has your email so he knows where to find you if & when he is ready.

I wouldn’t ask a family member to share DNA. There are all sorts of privacy concerns, especially for younger family members — and I think that it is a decision that people need to come to on their own.

6

If it were me, I would limit any contact to the man who is seeking the information. I would also ask him if you can give your relative who has agreed to take a test, the man’s contact information. Then I would let them take it from there.

One of my cousin’s was recently contacted by a young man who has been searching for his bio dad since he was 14. He was a match on a different companies test then the one other members of our extended family had used. My cousin asked him to take the test we had all taken and sure enough he matched all of us significantly and matched perfectly what his relationship to us is. Long story short is he is the grandson of my mother’s first cousin. Bio dad is dead. There was enough other info revealed by bio dad’s sister when my mother told her (apparently bio dad had told them years ago he had a child but had given up all parental rights) that immediate family hasn’t even bothered to do a DNA tests.

I will say that it was difficult for my cousin to know what to do/say when he was first contacted. The guy did know his father’s first name and where he was born. My cousin figured out who it likely was from that info. He didn’t know if he should tell bio dad’s family right away. That’s when he decided to ask him to do the test from company I, my mom, and several other cousin’s had used.

They all met for lunch a few weeks ago (my mom was included.) My mom’s first cousin (the grandfather) even had pictures of his son with the guys mom from over 35 years ago.

7

It seems like he is being cagey with his info, but wants you to be less cagey with yours. I’d tell him you are willing to talk in person or via a conference call with whomever he wants to have present. But that you don’t want to play any more cat and mouse email games with 3rd parties. Tell him you are a hobbiest, volunteering your time, that you’d like to help, but am not interested in dealing with 3rd parties or any more incomplete information. And that after talking, you may be willing to approach the people you know for him. He can take it or leave it.

8

Maybe “the lady who is helping him” is a girlfriend or neighbor or librarian and not a professional genealogist.

9

How do you know he is real and not a catfisher or a scammer?

10

The Wall Street Journal recently had an article about family “secrets” coming out through DNA testing and how family relationships could potentially be affected. It was a complicated case where both spouses had offspring from extramarital affairs at some point but never said anything to anyone (at least to kids or other relatives). Pretty convoluted.

The lesson was that everyone looks at these revelations differently. One sibling was all for honesty and embracing new found family members and the other sibling looked on the information as a potential betrayal of the good family life that already existed. Their lives were turned up side down either good or bad depending on your view.

The sisters who took the initial tests found out they were actually half sisters. Maybe that shouldn’t really matter when you’ve grown up together but it does do a number on your psyche.

The new found brother (half brother to one) was willing to see anyone who wanted to meet but would not contact anyone unless specifically asked to. He was open but absolutely would not pursue any contact unless asked first.
He had always had questions so it closed gaps for him but he wasn’t willing to upend anyone’s life over it.

One of the siblings found her real biological father (which was a surprise to both of them). Again, the father was open to meeting his new found daughter but all contact responsibility belonged to her and while he welcomed her he certainly wasn’t pushing into the family.

Depending on your family this effects a lot of people–cousins, aunts, uncles etc. Who really belongs to who? Do you even care? Should you care?
(and on a lawyer note–do we now need footnotes to wills that exclude all potential heirs that show up from future DNA testing?)

11

I had something similar happen, without the DNA testing. After years of looking for DH’s great grandfather’s mother’s side, I discovered them in a Census. For reasons, I’m sure I landed on the right info.

I put out feeler questions and a woman led me to another (who was related, way back, to an in-law.) The 2nd woman put me in touch with “the guy” putting the whole family together. And man, was he a nervous sort. I filled him in on all the relatives on our side, going back, direct and indirect. Names, birth years, spouses, becuse that’s public record anyway. (He was related to the great great grandmother’s collateral line. No way I could tell you how any degrees of separation.) He led to info I never hoped to find without a trip to that area, since verified. Service records confirmed, GG GF’s parents’ names, etc, scans of documents, etc.

But he kept running hot and cold, would write he was sick, then not mention sick, had all sorts of bitter complaints about people who wouldn’t share-- and then went cold. No communications. He put me in touch with closer relatives, who themselves went cold after a while.

Was I worried how he used the info I sent? No. He had shared enough that I got my piece. But I came to realize some people just want to do things their way. (This happened with MIL’s lines, too.) They get the info they want, for now, and go off on their own tracks. Or don’t know what they’ll do next.

I wouldn’t send OP’s guy info about her own son. I’d send him enough of what you have for him to pick it up, if he wants. (His own connection to a birth father.) And leave the door open, but let it be, for now.

There isn’t much to scam. Somehow, you believe he’s connected based on DNA.

Clarification: I sent him info on long ago deceased relatives, not any current generations.

12

It’s not a scam. I did a fair amount of research–found his mom’s birth record;his mom’s marriage to his stepfather. his photo in the high school yearbook. He matches 5 people in my family’s DNA. I didn’t give him any info until I was convinced he was legit.

I’ll just have to wait and see who contacts me. I just don’t like the way this went from “I’m too sick to pursue this” to someone else will contact me.

13

Er, you said he’s a senior citizen. Some old people have significant memory and cognitive issues. My dad is 93 years old, and I can call him one day and he is totally lucid and oriented, and then the next day he might be completely confused and say things to me that make no sense whatsoever. I’m just grateful that he clearly knows who I am when I call. But there is no assurance whatsoever that he will remember something I told him during the last phone call.

I’m also very fortunate that my dad made it to his 90s before these issues cropped up. For some people these problems start a lot earlier.

14

This resonates with me for many reasons. I have filled my empty nest with genealogy, but mine was driven by the fact that I was adopted and wanted to see if the DNA kits would give me any clue about my paternal parentage. I was fortunate to find a person like you on Ancestry.com. At that time, she was listed as a second cousin, so one of my highest; later Ancestry revamped its system, and she is now listed as a third cousin. Anyway, she was interested in my situation and helped me pinpoint my paternal family. I did not contact them at that time, but waited until my half-brother showed up as a match. Once I wrote him it was another six months before one of my sisters contacted me. Thus began what is now a close and loving relationship with my two sisters. One brother met me, but that was that. The other brother absolutely refuses to acknowledge me, to meet me or anything else. All of us live in a community made up of several different towns and cities, but we are all 15-20 minutes away from each other. The brother who refuses to acknowledge me is the only who lives in my town! We are both fairly visible professionals and have many acquaintances in common. I say all this because who knows what is going on behind the scenes with this gentleman; his family may be like mine and have some who embrace what he is doing and some who are hostile to the whole idea of an intruder into the family. Also, I read Facebook sites like DNA Detective and adoption sites where lots of well-meaning people with time on their hands act as Search Angels and help other people interpret their DNA and matches. The lady who is helping him might be one of those (you probably know this if you are into genealogy), but I say this for those who don’t get how addicting genealogy can be and how some people just love solving the puzzle no matter whose it is.
Now that I know both sides of my family and could easily give up the daily review of the sites, I don’t because I love figuring out some of the connections. I get ignored many times when I write someone–I imagine they just don’t have the time or interest to care about a third cousin connection or they think I am nosy or greedy. Who knows.
Anyway, good for you for trying to help the man. I hope he finds some answers before he dies. It has been so rewarding for me. And I am really thankful to the cousin who was interested enough in the puzzle to help me put it all together in the first place.

15

@lookingforward In so many social situations, we are trained to discount our feelings. You have a right to your feelings and if you are getting a bad vibe, then it is good to check the cause of the feeling AND HONOR them. If you are annoyed because something feels off then back away. The gentleman contacting you will not live nor die by the old data, so I’d think you can just step away. It is OK to do that.

16

I would stop communicating with this person. What seems to have started out as a genuine interest in your possible extended family has turned into something else at this point. If he doesn’t see that you were only trying to help him I don’t see a point in putting any further time into it or involving any other family members.

17

If he is likely quite old, who knows who is writing his emails. I agree… you’ve shared plenty. I’d step back now.

18 
    I suspect in a few years the apoplexy surrounding google and Facebook data sharing will pale into insignificance compared to what this data is going to look like when used against us.
19

OTOH, we may find we’re so interconnected that it’s harder to spread the hate.

I hesitate to do any DNA testing because of privacy issues but my curiosity is very great. Still debating.
I have a very old aunt whom I’d love to have do the test. Maybe my last chance on that side of the family.

I wasn’t thrilled about FB either and the privacy issues–I don’t post at all these days (never did much anyways) but I was very happy to reconnect with old friends who I had no idea where they had disappeared to over the years. I think it was worth it. (May I not live to regret it.)

“Curiosity killed the cat; satisfaction brought him back.”

20

I have one whole side of my own family I don’t know, my paternal grandparents’ siblings and cousins. I once traced a big limb of them to some movers and shakers and would be curious to see if we get connected, if only on paper. At my age, not so many privacy concerns.