Did you inadvertently turn your kid into a jerk?
Are schools contributing to snowflake syndrome by staging 3rd grade graduation ceremonies and gold medals for participation?
Staging 3rd grade graduation ceremonies isn’t saying that any one given student is “more special and more entitled.”
I think it’s important for people to know that they are individuals and inherently unique. Kids who don’t feel at least special in some way are probably going to end up feeling less loved or at like their parents don’t care about them as much as other parents care about their children. However, that shouldn’t be taken to the extreme. I think the issue is not people feeling important or that they deserve respect, but that they feel entitled.
Maybe I’m just biased, but in my experience I can have a pretty good relationship with someone even if they think highly of themselves. However, whenever someone thinks of himself or herself as entitled or thinks that he or she deserves special treatment, I immediately get turned off. I think that’s why a lot of people feel like the college system is “unfair” or they think that teachers are unjust. People often feel like they’re entitled to getting into Harvard or that they deserve As in every class without doing any work. A gifted student deserves to be told that he/she does well and that people are proud of his or her work. However, when parents argue with teachers because they feel that their special snowflake’s essay was just too good to be given a B+ they ingrain this notion that the person is entitled to good grades, even if the work truly wasn’t worthy of a better grade.
I think rewarding good behavior is worthwhile. I think kids should get prizes for reading when they’re young and that even if someone doesn’t do amazingly in a sport, they deserve to be recognized. A ten year-old doesn’t need to be told that he sucks at baseball and has no future in it, even if it’s the truth. I think that helping create positive experiences for kids at a young age can help cement positive habits when they grow older. Showing a 4th grader that reading a book results in some kind of reward may help the kid find that he/she really likes a specific genre of books. Not everything needs to be turned into a competition when kids are developing. Just don’t push too far the other way, or we’ll end up with a generation of spoiled brats (which already seems to be the case, sadly).
It’s not necessary to tell a child that they are the “best” at something to make them feel loved. A simple “I love you” or “you did great” or “you’re very smart” will promote healthy self-esteem.
I tell my girls they are beautiful and wonderful. They usually say back to me, “You have to say that because you are my mom.”
I think our kids know how they are ranked relative to their peers. They know when they get a B then there are other people who got As. No matter how many medals they get for various competitions, they know who is the best on their team. My girls were great dancers, but at some point they figured out that they weren’t NYC ballet material. At the same time, there is nothing wrong for them to know they are the apple in their parent’s’ eye.
Er, if you give everyone an award for participation then doesn’t that actually counteract “snowflake syndrome”? After all, if your kid looks around and sees that everyone gets the same rewards then aren’t they less likely to think that they’re special and unique? It seems like the article is talking about putting individual kids on a pedestal and telling them that they are better than all other kids, but your examples about 3rd grad graduations and gold medals for everyone go too far in the other way – they are more likely to erase achievements and sense of pride since the star soccer player and the person sitting on the bench are treated as being the same.
As far as the article goes, I’m not that impressed. Check out this paragraph:
Narcissism on the rise among Western youths and they make their point by referencing an unrelated study on sexism, racism, and religious bias? Is the implication here that “men are better than women” and “my race is better than your race” are newly-emerging beliefs in society?
I do think that the article makes a good point that parents shouldn’t put their kids on a society, but it doesn’t even try to make its central point. It even admits that it can’t establish cause and effect between “parental overvaluation” and “narcissism”; the latter has been a perennial complaint about teenagers for literally centuries now.
Given how many kids don’t participate, I don’t think participation trophies or medals for young kids are a bad thing. My daughter, in particular, had many home-body or couch potato friends and I think for young kids the acts of getting off the couch and putting your self out there are worthy of a tiny trinket.
My daughter’s rec team coaches make sure every kid who doesn’t place in a race gets a participation ribbon. They said their goal is for the kids to have a lifelong love of a sport, which is different than the “everyone’s a winner” type attitude you sometimes see. The kids all seem to like it and I know several who are motivated to work harder so they can earn a place ribbon too.
I do agree that kids know when they did well and when they didn’t. I wonder if there comes a point when those with parents who praise constantly no longer trust their parents’ opinions.
My daughter is one who hates to hear “Good game” if it wasn’t a good game. She’d really rather they say “that was a good goal” or “your defense looked better tonight” than just hear a rote ‘good game.’ One of her current teammates is always saying things like 'oh, I was awesome tonight!" and her parents tell her that all the time too. I don’t know, it kind of takes the thrill out of it when it was a really good game or she was awesome.
I try to pick out a few of the good things, but I do tell my daughter things like ‘you’ve had a better game’ or ‘you missed that pass’ (she tends to blame all the missed passes on the other girls). When I praise something, she knows it is earned praise.
I don’t think all the participation trophies gave D an over-inflated impression of her own “special gifts.” The only effect I could see was that she realized early on that trophies, themselves, aren’t inherently valuable.
The ribbons D got at dive meets had colors so everyone knew that blue meant first place and white was participation. But really, the emphasis was on jumping into the ester while twisting and turning (without hitting the board). Perle applauded the dices, not the scores.
I don’t think participation medals or ribbons are the issue. The problem its when the parent keeps placing their child on top, forces exceptions to be made for their child (“he should be the captain/judge/head boy…”), and yes, goes to argue extra grade points for their snowflake. That does send a message to the child that they deserve exceptions to the rule just because.
I agree with mikmatt513. Holding a high opinion of one’s self, even if that opinion is unjustified, may be the cause of arrogance but not necessarily problematic narcissism. The sense of entitlement that leads to narcissism is more of a failure to acknowledge the needs and feelings of others or believe they ever require an adjustment of your behavior. It’s the kid who is taught that he doesn’t ever have to pick up after himself or do chores, AND even if mom is very sick in bed, that doesn’t change a thing for him. It’s not the kid who thinks he’s the best soccer player on his team, but rather the kid who sees no reason to refrain from pointing out to his teammates all the ways they screwed up because that’s what he thinks, it’s the honest truth, and why shouldn’t he say it.
As for the everyone-gets-a-trophy nonsense, I think it actually produces some bad behavior. Often coaches and teachers think they need to pretend to the kids that everyone is equal in talent, intelligence and work ethic. Clearly, that’s not reality. Thus if a coach or teacher skirts the issue that Jordan is really superior in math or soccer and behaves as though he doesn’t notice any distinctions, then Jordan (who worked his butt off to succeed) may be tempted to take on some unbecoming behavior. He may try to highlight his own achievement as a form of self-reassurance, and then that can go too far into obnoxiousness. One coach literally bent over backward NOT to acknowledge my D’s ability. She could have won the race with a school record, and he’d say absolutely nothing about it at the team meeting out of a concern about making the other kids feel bad that they weren’t as fast, or the fear of causing D to become prideful or think she was more important than the team. The result was that since D never got her due, she had to fight not to resent the deserved praise he gave to others and we had to be careful not to over-praise her in an attempt to compensate for the slight. That resentment about not being acknowledged can turn into a bitter feeling of entitlement.
there is a difference between teaching kids good self esteem and to give compliments, vs teaching them to feel entitled. The latter is the problem.
I don’t know about where you live but but here participation trophies or ribbons ( only…as opposed to when some kids get awards for achievement and others a participation ribbon) are only given in the very early years when no kid is “working his butt off” to succeed. He’s succeeding in those years because of pure genetic luck. There’s no training or practice for these kids.
My son used to dread those athletic awards ceremonies. Why? Because he, like every other kid, got a trophy and he knew he wasn’t very good at sports. Kids know when they’re being patronized or lied to.
Competitions where there are actual winners and non-winners are really good experiences for kids, imo.
Nothing wrong with letting your child know that he/she means the world to you. Not so with acting as if the whole world thinks the world of your child.
Ribbons and medals are fine when the kids are five. They hate meaningless tokens when they are ten.
@scholarme: I’m a big fan of “clock” sports like cross country, track and field, and swimming. The most talented kids can distinguish themselves, but everyone on the team can work hard and measure his or her improvement over the course of a season or several seasons. My kids have been able to race against truly national-class athletes and admire their abilities while still getting the confidence boost that comes with improving their own times.
I don’t think the ribbons and trophies cause narcissism. Besides, so many kids don’t even participate in sports. Surely it’s not the case that only athletic kids are narcissists? (We’ve seen a few among the theater crowd… )