For seven years I’ve read the CC posts in which so many kids feel that they belong at an extremely selective school. I distrust the “kids these days” explanations since that argument goes back as far as ancient Greece. I first chalked it up to the self-selection of those attracted to a site such as CC. But I have seen this sentiment nationally as well, and at schools with which I am familiar. The “very good” student, with a crop of ready-made ECs and some good grades (in other words a nationally unremarkable student), simply feels that they belong at an elite school. – Then this fall, at the end of a losing soccer season, my child was handed a shiny trophy. And that’s when I realized that “everyone gets a trophy” is a real thing. And it really disheartened me. I didn’t disparage the trophy, which make my kid happy, but I did start to plan ways I can try to teach what real achievement is. And I hope that if my kids do well in school they will find a fit at our flagship or at a local LAC, and not be so full of themselves to presume that the world owes them a red carpet. It may be an uphill battle.
My kid lettered in varsity swim. Yeah, right. The team was barely enough kids to contend and so everyone was varsity. She wasn’t even true swim team material and knew it. She laughed, the medal still hangs on her wall, only because she forgot it’s there, no longer lives at home.
It’s ok. We can teach them to enjoy whatever “wins” and still maintain perspective. Best to you.
I think it may have more to do with the fact that a lot of these kids are the best their high school, and in some cases their community, has ever seen. What they don’t realize is their community is one of tens of thousands across the nation.
This is one of those times when I wish we could post image links. But just imagine Oprah saying, “You get a medal and you get a medal. Everyone gets a medal!” 
Re swim, I have two kids a son and a daughter. My son is captain of the swim team, and he’d make the swim team at any school. In contrast, my daughter has physical issues, but still might make the varsity swim because it’s not difficult to make the varsity swim team and she worked really hard. For her, I’d be thrilled if she received a participation medal.
For many schools with no-cut varsity sports (e.g. swim, XC, track), all seniors get a letter regardless of ability.
In a way, it’s a bit unfair to these kids because the combination of
- The US being a big country
- A bunch of elite colleges
- Yet those elites having relatively small undergrad bodies
- Holistic admissions
- Intense college marketing
- Admission to the tippy-tops being waaaaay tougher than in the past or even recent past.
Means that their chances at the very tippy-top are much smaller than they realize even though they seem big and most don’t even know where they stand yet they are inculcated to desire a dream school (and that is hard to fight).
Just two of Oxbridge in the UK take in roughly as much of the UK population as 30 Ivies/equivalents do of the US population (add in LSE and Imperial and there are even more spots at top schools). Yet in the UK, you at least have an idea of your chances because the British system weighs academic achievement and potential very heavily. And UCL/KCL/Warwick/Durham/Edinburgh/St. A’s are still seen as top schools; they’re in the top 10.
They would be roughly equivalent to UMich/UNC/NYU/UCSD/UT-Austin/W&M, but very top kids in the US may end up disappointed to end up those schools because they aren’t top 10 (because there are a bunch of privates with relatively small undergrad bodies at the top).
In China, it’s even more insanely difficult to get to their tippy-top, but at least kids have an idea where they stand as it all comes down to one test.
Furthermore, it is much more difficult to get in to American tippy-tops than a generation ago or even a decade ago. I don’t think it’s several times more difficult to get in to the very top unis/grandes ecoles in the UK, France, Japan, China compared to a generation ago as all top kids in those countries were already trying to get in then.
If I had to design a system to induce as much heartbreak as possible in top HS students, I don’t think I can do better than the American system.
She was either a freshman or soph, was a lifeguard, but by no means a competitive swimmer. Ha, not in swim skill, strength, or even in spirit. But yes, she was dedicated, didn’t miss practice, gave no one any gruff…was a good loser.
I do consider team efforts more than winning. She did get that lesson. And that being on the team gave them a full roster. She didn’t continue, the next year, others replaced her.
Yes - it’s not the kids who are placing the trophy orders! So do we blame the parents, the coaches, the aggressive marketing by the trophy shops, or the kindly desire that nobody be allowed to feel like a “loser”?
It certainly would help to see fewer media stories about Ivy Frenzy, wouldn’t it? There are so many fantastic colleges. I always love to see the articles about “hidden gems.”
If encouragement of participation could encourage more American kids to get into STEM, to not be afraid of math, to eager to learn a foreign language, then by all means, give every kids a participation award!
Again re. swimming - At hs “varsity” swim meet, it is not uncommon to see kids who belly-hopped into the pool during competition, whose particular stroke could only be described as “free”-style, and who finished 50-yard sprint close to a minute…but they all have fun and they all cheer for each other. I kind of like this sort of non-competitiveness, there r enuf competition in kids’ lives these days. I venture to guess one of the original ideals of varsity sports is not for winning the gold but for improving fitness, of which hs swimming teams in general do more to improve that aspect than let’s say hs football or basketball.
I agree that trophy culture plays a big role, but I think it’s more complex. It might have something to do with the background murmur of xenophobia that seems omnipresent in American culture. I often wonder if people would be less angry in their entitlement if they didn’t think “foreigners” (whether actual international students in terms of elite colleges, or OOS students in terms of in-state public flagships) were “getting their spot.”
I coached a USFIRST robotics team for a few years, and they celebrate the failures nearly as much as the winners. It’s not really the “participant medal” model, more like sending the message “you are learning this stuff, you will get better”. Those are the kids the program benefits MOST – those that didn’t think they could be engineers or programmers and never had exposure to it. It works and it is awesome.
As for elite college rejection reactions, show me a kid who is not PO’d when they don’t achieve a goal they are striving for and I will show you a kid that is unlikely to reach the top of any field.
That’s why I find it difficult to understand the vitriol shown to the kids here who have gotten their butts kicked.
My kids got plenty of participation trophies but also understood their own abilities. I think it is up to the parents to help kids learn to see the bigger picture, be honest with themselves, and set expectations that make sense.
@Postmodern Thanks for saying that. Makes a lot of sense. I am always confused by the vitriol against high school kids on this forum. Honestly, my kids work about 100 times harder in school than anyone in my generation did. The expectations are insane. I can totally understand how, after working so hard, high school kids are going to be upset if they don’t reach a goal.
And the issue of cost differentials makes it even worse. You don’t need to think about that at all in the UK, because tuition fees are the same everywhere, whereas here it’s a big part of the decision making. It’s heartbreaking for 17 year olds to realize they can’t apply to Georgetown because it’s twice the price of Berkeley (though not as heartbreaking as applying and getting in and then deciding it’s not affordable).
How old is your kid that got a participation trophy in soccer? Here, that stops at around 3rd grade! I have also seen players on a team reluctant to take the second place medal at a tournament, because they did not play as well as they could have and thought second place was not good enough. The kid that gets the varsity letter but is not a star knows it. They see the other kids win or get lots of playing time. I don’t think that lesson is lost on them nor the meaning of the trophy/letter.
A varsity letter means the kid stuck it out and showed up to practices and games. It is recognition of that effort. For the runner that is not ever going to win, improving their time may lead to a personal best. That deserves recognition. A kid may end up sitting on the bench half the season, but makes the most of his/her few minutes of playing time. Nothing wrong with being on the team and not the star. The third string quarterback that never threw a pass in the game, still gets the super bowl ring.
There is also something wrong about only celebrating the winners. Is the team that loses on PKs in the state championship game after a scoreless tie through 120 minutes of a tough game not worthy of recognition? The fourth place kid by 0.2 seconds in a state swim meet? Or, as said above, the robotics team that learned a lot but did not win. Participation is important and teachers many lessons.
The issue of kids and parents thinking that their child deserves a place in a super elite college and if they get rejected the system must be rigged is not because kids are recognized for participation. It is because they don’t understand the level of competition out there and how, even though their kid may be special at the local level, so are thousands of others.
@Twoin18, yes, costs, in-state vs. OOS, etc.
But so much of it is marketing and social conditioning, IMO.
I mean, I don’t hear of too many Scots who are heartbroken to have to attend Edinburgh rather than Oxbridge for whatever reason.
And Berkeley is, after all, merely one of the most renown research universities in the entire world.
Surely a sense of entitlement also comes with wealth. It is a stone cold fact that ability to pay 250k tuition or the ability to name a building tilts the playing field in your favour when considering elite school admissions. As @PurpleTitan states above, the US system is the most unfair system I am personally familiar with.
We spent a happy day once downsizing toys. But the best part was throwing the participation trophies into the trash with a flourish. It had taken some time for one of my kids to be able to do it. But we relished it together.
I push it mainly on the parents and also on society. Parents are actually convinced their kids would warrant a spot at these universities. Many have never even met or worked with someone who went there. They assume because their kid gets A’s at a local school and is in the top % (pick a number 5-10%) that there is a spot for them. They cannot envision that these kids are the best in the world in a specific course of study. And they don’t understand that the competition is national at minimum and international as well.
I think many parents of strong students ( some gifted) kids don’t have an idea of the types of resources that are out there. They have no idea what they are competing against. When your child is at a very high level in something ( pick anything) you start to recognize the differences between those participating and those who win. Have a kid whose a Junior Olympian? Well you probably know who his/ her competitors are and what it takes to win and move even further. Same thing with these top schools. There are too few spots. That is true. Thinking your kid is going to get one of them is like thinking you are going to win the lottery. Some do, but mainly it never happens. Even legacy kids with lots going on and top grades and scores are in a chance lottery. Given perfect scores and amazing life stories and amazing socialization and still the kid only stands a chance. Not a done deal. I have told my kids this from the beginning. You are not the school you attend. And you may/may not go to an Ivy league school. Yet, society is still telling them that’s the way to go. So we shouldn’t be surprised that kids feel flattened when they are rejected. And many have convinced themselves that doing all of the right things=getting into a a specific college. Seems like a recipe for disaster.
I’m with @Sue22 on this. A lot of kids are stellar in their own ponds. But it’s a big sea that the top schools fish in, and few realize how, in that sea, they are not so exceptional. And honestly, I have known kids whose admissions results have been really surprising given the level of their accomplishments.
Kids also can be very intentional about the personal profile they create, including their test scores (with tutoring, etc) so they think they’ve “checked those boxes” and are qualified.
There really aren’t that many spots available, especially after hooked applicants have been dealt with.
As for trophies, at a certain age, most kids can distinguish between a prize and a memento.