<p>New University Promos </p>
<pre><code> It was clear that one day the Ivy League would grow desperate. The
</code></pre>
<p>the average tuition (per year) for each institution is outta site and they
just aren’t getting enough applicants. I understand that in a rash,
unprecedented move, some colleges are taking out advertising in the middle
of ‘Sesame Street’ episodes, to differentiate themselves from their
competitors.
BROWN: Hey kids! Is half of your head shaved? Do you have a nose
ring? Are you terribly progressive and do you have a lot of empathy? Are
you sick and tired of silly things like grades and majors? COME TO
BROWN!!!
COLUMBIA: Hey kids! Do you like Harlem? Do you like commuters? Are
you planning on transferring to another Ivy school after your freshman
year? COME TO COLUMBIA!!!
HARVARD: Hey kids! Do you hate teachers? I mean really hate them? Do
you never want to have another teacher again? And what about a social
life? Do you hate that too? COME TO HARVARD!!!
PRINCETON: Hey kids! Do you have any idea what an eating club is? Are
you pompous? Can you learn to be? Are you the smartest person you know?
How many clubs were you in in high school? Have you always dreamed of
living in the great state of New Jersey? COME TO PRINCETON!!!
PENN: Hey kids! Did you like high school a lot ? How about four more
years of the same? Are you dying to visit scenic West Philadelphia? Does
the concept of rigorous academics scare you? COME TO PENN!!!
CORNELL: Hey kids! Do you hate intimacy? Are you interested in
jumping off high places? Have you ever wanted to converse with future
hotel managers? Do you like bureaucracy? Do you like archaic forms and the
chance to stand in lines with the best and brightest? COME TO CORNELL –
The Big Red Tape!!!
DARTMOUTH: Hey kids! Do you hate civilization? Looking to get away
from stuff like culture and people? Do you like to drink? Do you like to
drink some more? Do you like to continue to drink? And what’s your feeling
on drinking? COME TO DARTMOUTH!!!
M.I.T.: Hey kids! Are you a freakish nerd? Do you want to be? Do you
hate doing anything that doesn’t involve math? That’s right, math! Math
math math math and more math! COME TO M.I.T.!!! PLEASE !!!
BOSTON COLLEGE: If you haven’t figured out how to invent the wheel
(but have discovered fire and fire-sticks), don’t know your ass from your
elbows (but do know genetic plant structures and genetic recombination
enough to produce 24 variants of ‘da weed’ with a garden weasel and a
piece of Egyptian chewing gum preserved for 2000 years, enjoy the
advantages of indecision (hence being in Boston, but not really), and
enjoyed Student Council so much that you NEED TO LIVE IT AGAIN, COME TO
BC!!!
SYRACUSE: Hey kids, do you like it when your Chancellor takes all
your money and gives it to a private firm to design a new logo and mascot
because yours isn’t selling well? Are athletics the only thing that
matters to you? Do you believe in money first, students last? Is your idea
of a good time learning about the History of the salt trade and the Erie
canal? THEN COME TO SYRACUSE!!!</p>
<p>How many Princeton students does it take to change a light bulb?
Two—one to mix the martinis and one to call the electrician.</p>
<p>How many Brown students does it take to change a light bulb?
Eleven—one to change the light bulb and ten to share the experience.</p>
<p>How many Dartmouth students does it take to change a light bulb?
None—Hanover doesn’t have electricity.</p>
<p>How many Cornell students does it take to change a light bulb?
Two–one to change the light bulb and one to crack under the pressure.</p>
<p>How many Penn students does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but he gets six credits for it.</p>
<p>How many Columbia students does it take to change a light bulb?
Seventy-six–one to change the light bulb, fifty to protest the light bulb’s right to not change, and twenty-five to hold a counter-protest.</p>
<p>How many Yale students does it take to change a light bulb?
None–New Haven looks better in the dark.</p>
<p>How many Harvard students does it take to change a light bulb?
One–he holds the bulb and the world revolves around him</p>
<p>How many MIT students does it take to change a light bulb?
Five --one to design a nuclear-powered one that never needs changing, one to figure out how to power the rest of Boston using that nuked light bulb, two to install it, and one to write the computer program that controls the wall switch.</p>
<p>How many Middlebury students does it take to change a light bulb?
Five–one to change the light bulb and four to find the perfect J. Crew outfit to wear for the occasion.</p>
<p>How many Stanford students does it take to change a light bulb?
One, dude.</p>
<p>How many Oberlin students does it take to change a light bulb?
Three–one to change it and two to figure out how to get high off the old one.</p>
<p>How many Georgetown students does it take to change a light bulb?
Four–one to change it, one to call Congress about their progress, and two to throw the old bulb at American U. students.</p>
<p>How many Auburn students does it take to change a light bulb?
A whole frat–but only one of them is sober enough to get the bulb out of the socket.</p>
<p>How many Williams students does it take to change a light bulb?
The whole student body–when you’re snowed in, there’s nothing else to do.</p>
<p>How many Tufts students does it take to change a light bulb?
Two–one to change the bulb and the other to say loudly how he did it as well as an Ivy League student.</p>
<p>How many Sarah Lawrence students does it take to change a light bulb?
Five–one to change the bulb and four to do an interpretive dance about it.</p>
<p>How many Duke students does it take to change a lightbulb?
A whole frat – but only one of them is sober enough to get the bulb out of the socket.</p>
<p>How many Swarthmore students does it take to change a light bulb?
Eight–It’s not that one isn’t smart enough to do it, it’s just that they’re all violently twitching from too much stress.</p>
<p>How many Mount Holyoke students does it take to change a light bulb?
One–she calls a Smithie to do it.</p>
<p>How many Boston University students does it take to change a light bulb?
Four–one to change the bulb and two to check his math homework.</p>
<p>How many Amherst students does it take to change a light bulb?
Thirteen–one to change the bulb and an a capella group to immortalize the event in song.</p>
<p>How many Wesleyan students does it take to change a light bulb?
Wesleyan’s boycotting GE . . . you know, military-industrial complex and all that.</p>
<p>How many Connecticut College students does it take to change a light bulb?
Two–one to change the bulb and one to complain about how if they were at a better school the light bulb wouldn’t go out.</p>
<p>How many Bucknell students does it take to change a light bulb?
One–but he’ll only change it if he can put in a white-light bulb.</p>
<p>How many Bowdoin students does it take to change a light bulb?
Three–one to ski down to the general store and buy the bulb, one to take the chairlift back to school, and one to screw it in.</p>
<p>How many Barnard students does it take to change a light bulb?
One–but she’ll only do it if it’s an alternative light bulb.</p>
<p>How many Boston College students does it take to change a light bulb?
Seven–one to change the light bulb and six to throw a party because he didn’t screw it in upside down this time.</p>
<p>How many Reed students does it take to change a light bulb?
One–and she doesn’t even need a ladder because she has platform Birkenstocks.</p>
<p>How many USC students does it take to change a light bulb?
Two–one to complain about having to do it and the other to pay the maid to do it.</p>
<p>How many UCSD students does it take to change a light bulb?
Eight–one to change it and seven to haul the surfboards, rollerblades and bicycles out of the way to get to it.</p>
<p>How many Loyola Marymount University students does it take to change a light bulb?
One–as long as she prays hard enough.</p>
<p>How many Occidental College students does it take to change a light bulb?
None–the 90210 tech crew are very touchy about their set</p>
<p>M.I.T.: “I had a nervous breakdown this weekend.”
“Have some fries.”</p>
<p>Caltech: “I had three nervous breakdowns this weekend.”
“Have some fries.”</p>
<p>Yale: “I got mugged on the way to class today.”
“Have some fries.”</p>
<p>Brown: “I got a nose ring this weekend, Professor Smith.”
“Cool! Me too! Have some fries.”</p>
<p>Swarthmore: “I got a B.”
“Anywhere else it would have been an A. Have some fries.”</p>
<p>Princeton: “My father took away my Porsche this weekend.”
“Poor dear. Have some Escargot.”</p>
<p>Harvard: “Did you do anything this weekend?”
“Nope. Have some fries.”</p>
<p>Williams: “Don’t I know you?”
“Of course you do, silly. Have some fries.”</p>
<p>Cornell: “I killed my lab partner this weekend.”
“Bummer. Have some fries.”</p>
<p>Columbia: “I wish I could be eating these fries at a better school.”
“Me too. Let’s go get shot.”</p>
<p>Penn: “I wish I could be eating these fries at a better school.”
“Me too. Let’s transfer to Columbia.”</p>
<p>Stanford: “Dude, I have so much work this weekend.”
“Like, chill out, dude. Have some, like, fries.”</p>
<p>Dartmouth: “Oh man, I got so trashed this weekend.”
“Have some beer.”</p>
<p>Tufts: “I wish I were Ivy League.”
“Here, drink the fry grease.”</p>