Hi! My name is Laurie Saloman. I’m a freelance writer doing a piece for Next Avenue (www.nextavenue.org) and have been given permission from College Confidential to post here. I’m writing about what happens when parents play “financial favorites” with adult children, whether that means shelling out more for college for one child, slipping extra money to a child in his 20s or 30s while not helping out his siblings, or leaving unequal amounts in the will. Are there ever good reasons to give unevenly? And what does it do to the family dynamic? If you’ve ever been in this situation yourself and are willing to be interviewed for this article, please respond on this thread. And although I’d prefer to use your name in the piece, you can remain anonymous if you must. Thanks!!!"
Just confirming that this poster HAS been approved for this
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As the parent of a disabled adult child, I would say there are obvious times when parents make the decision to spend disproportionately. And, yes, our will is written differently also. Where our other kids have money go into trust and is theirs as a lump sum at a certain age, his money remains in trust and is only dispersed in monthly allotments via a family member paying his bills. It was a deliberate decision to protect him from being taken advantage of or spending all the $$ and being left unable to live independently.
Of course that is common sense and not sensationalism.
ETA: Our will is also written to leave more $$ to our younger children than our adult children since they need to be raised to adulthood and face educational expenses the older kids have already navigated.
Possibly. But I would want to understand the spin this article is going to take. If the article’s intent is to be woe is me from adult children’s perspectives who believe their parents were unjust, I want no part of it. Parenting is tough and sometimes you just make the best decision based on the info you have at the time.
It’s going to offer a balanced perspective of why sometimes financial inequality is warranted and how sometimes it may not be–and the problems it can cause, regardless of reason. I’ll be offering suggestions on how parents can structure their giving so it causes the least strife in the family.
But what if it doesn’t cause problems? Does financial inequality automatically mean family conflict? It doesn’t for ours. Our kids know everything and they understand why. They have all agreed to help their brother after we no longer can. Our oldest is named guardian of our younger kids.
We have given according to need so far. It has worked OK. Our older kid got lots of merit awards and our younger kid got none. Older kid is healthy with good full time job, but younger one has chronic health issues and has not yet been able to get or hold full time job because of health issues beyond her control.
The situation is so individualized–not sure what is gained by articles on the topic.
My parents helped my sister the most, definitely a burden on them but my brother and I became self-sufficient early and did not really need much beyond college tuition. She had gotten married early, divorced at 23 with 2 kids and no place to live, and the help they provided allowed her to get an accounting degree and live a fulfilling life.
We are not in the least resentful and really care for each other. My wife, whose family is to-the-penny financially equal, has a bitter relationship with her sister. And no, we will not go public with any of this. I wish you luck in identifying someone who will.
An older and very wise coworker once said, in a conversation about unequal college spending for siblings: “Fair does not mean equal”. He’d done it already and I was just coming to terms with this prospect. This advice helped me a lot.
I agree with HIMom that it is different for every family and wish you good luck in writing a balanced article on this fraught topic.
I also wish you good luck (and also decline to participate). I will say that my parents’ spending was unequal, but none of us (I have 4 brothers) ever resented it. Of course, our parents weren’t loaded, and we were never raised to expect them to give us anything. My in laws, on the other hand, have always made sure all expenditures were equal between their two kids. H and I have never needed any financial help, but SIL has needed a lot of help over the years. Frankly, she makes poor choices, as does her H, and the 'rents bail them out; that is their choice, though, and it’s their money to spend as they wish. In laws plan to even it out in the will, although we have told them it’s not necessary. I think the bottom line for me is this: If it’s not my money that I earned, I have no right to say how it’s spent.
My parents spending was very unequal. I got full funding – merit & FAid for undergrad and law degree. Two of my sisters got full merit funding for their master’s degrees in special ed but my brothers all took on significant loans for their professional degrees (2 law degrees and one MD). None of us harbor any resentment for the unequal spending, as far as I know. My dad insisted on paying off all the loans the brothers incurred for their degrees. All of us have good careers and are married to spouses with good careers. We all hope our folks spend all their money on themselves and aren’t counting on any inheritance. I don’t feel it is any of my business how they choose to spend their money.
I was the youngest of 3 by more than a decade, my parents financial situation was very different when I was college age. I’m sure they would have provided more for college if they could have but that just wasn’t in the cards.
I have three children all two years apart, we have modest college savings and have strongly encourage them to seek merit aid. Any savings left will move over to a younger sibling that doesn’t get as much merit, be used for grad school or if there’s anything left rolled over to their future children’s college funds.
My husband has one sibling they were both told they had X amount for college. DH went to a in state school and was given the leftover money to use to move to his first job out of college, pay deposits, buy furniture… SIL had to take out loans to finish her private school college education. We always know when SIL asks her parents for money because we mysteriously get a check because all things always have to be equal - not complaining because those unexpected checks are our kids college savings!
FIL has offered to help with college if needed, not an offer we are keen to take up. I’m really curious as to how this is going to play out. SIL has three kids two years apart too. Her oldest is the same grade level as my youngest and not likely to get merit. We are currently at a similar income level and neither of us would qualify for need based aid. I’m wondering if ‘equal giving’ will continue with the grandkids.