Judge essay - SAT II Writing

<p>Can someone, who knows what they are talking about, glance over my essay and grade me? Also, please point out where I need work on. Thank you so much. :)</p>

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<p>The men with purpose and confidence are those that function most efficiently in society. In essence, they do as they wish. These men are not indecisive, nor skeptical about their understanding of the world; thus, they are not afraid to act on a given task. Two characters in literature that demonstrate this concept are Dagny Taggart and John Galt in Ayn Rand’s Atlas Shrugged.</p>

<p>Dagny Taggart is a woman that has always been fascinated by the railroad line that had once been run by her grandfather, Nathaniel Taggart. Throughout her pubescent years, she decided to work diligently to obtain a position for this railroad line. Although she had been shrugged off by society for this decision, she attempting at trying to fulfill her goal.</p>

<p>John Galt achevied every aspect of what he wanted to achieve out of life by creating a world of those whom he felt had competence. He wanted to create a world of virtuous men and women and he did. He created Atlantis.</p>

<p>Those with a vision and purpose in life do as they wish because they know their decisions are morally correct for them.</p>

<p>umm .. i'm waiting!</p>

<p>You didn't post the prompt! Assuming you answered the prompt correctly, this would earn about a 7 out of 12.</p>

<p>First of all, a wh00t for your choice of Ayn Rand's Atlas Shrugged (I apologize for the non-underlined title, but I don't know how to underline words in this message format). </p>

<p>Second, "she attempting at trying" is incorrect. Also, you may want to clarify what the significance of "Atlantis" is (in case the grader hasn't read Atlas Shrugged), and "for them" is redundant, as you said "their decisions." You might want to give some additional explanation for the last sentence too (i.e., what constitutes "virtuous," etc.). </p>

<p>Anyway, good job for a 20 min essay. ^.^</p>

<p>Here are some errors or sentences I thought sounded a bit off.<br>
People are "who", not "that" ie:
The men with purpose and confidence are those "who" function most efficiently in society.
Dagny Taggart is a woman "who" has always been fascinated by the railroad line that had once been run by her grandfather, Nathaniel Taggart. </p>

<p>"Throughout her pubescent years, she decided to work diligently to obtain a position for this railroad line." This sounds as if she spent her entire pubescent years merely deciding. I think "She worked diligently" better conveys your message. </p>

<p>The attempting to trying some else caught. </p>

<p>"John Galt achevied every aspect of what he wanted to achieve out of life" This opener with the two achieves is a little offputting. </p>

<p>You open with men yet your first example is a women. I would suggest changing the men part. </p>

<p>As far the essay as a whole, using Atlas Shrugged will definitely get you brownie points. However, it needs to be more developed. Because it is graded holistically, fluency is important. Instead of starting your paragraph with just John Galt, try..."Similarly, John Galt". This connects Galt to your previous paragraph about Dagny. Your essay does not flow from one paragraph to another nor is there sufficient evidence to backup your thesis. How did they know their decisions were morally correct? How does creating Atlantis show that Galt functioned the most efficiently? Three sentences will not be sufficient. You told me what he did but you did not show me how his actions demonstrated your thesis. You have really strong ideas but you have not "connected the dots" between them. I would give this a 7 or 8. It might actually be lower if I knew the prompt.<br>
I hope I have not offended you with my honesty. I am trying to give helpful feedback. If I was too harsh, I apologize. Good luck.</p>

<p>the prompt was .. the strong do as they wish</p>

<p>Are you using the Kaplan book like I am? This would probably get an 8 or 10 based on how Kaplan scores. I would right in big letters go FURTHER on this essay! (I know it's only 20 minutes, but you'd be surprised what some of these geniuses can produce in a mere 20 minutes... ANyways good luck with SAT II WRITING. If you have a good AP English teacher, it should be a breeze. We write 30 minute essays in AP ENGLISH like twice very week.</p>