Junior son drinking too much

Parent Cafe
21

“cannot stop because there is abundant alcohol in his dorm. Drinks daily!”

He is brave to admit he has a problem!

My major concern is that he associates (blames) his abuse of alcohol on his ready access to alcohol. The reality is as an adult he will always have access and the temptation that goes with it. These temptations will only become more available in time. Removing him from his current living situation is only a temporary solution.

He needs to address his apparent inability to say no to something he knows is self destructive. His self awareness seems well developed but apparently he is unable to overcome his impulses. He needs to get to the core of what is driving this knowingly self destructive behavior.

He should seek some professional help in my opinion, but please keep in mind I am only a parent expressing a view with limited info or expertise.

Doing well in classes means nothing to me as I have seen first hand numerous functioning alcoholics do well until things come tumbling down. Not saying this is the case here as once again I have no idea. I would rather however over respond than under respond to what I see as a call for help.

I sincerely hope it works out for the better!

22

Kudos to your S for recognizing the problem and talking to you about it. The fact is that nobody here has a crystal ball to know the extent, underlying reason etc. for his excess drinking. But with the limited information given, here are some steps I would take as a parent.
– I would try to visit him at college if feasible. Talk face to face and try to get a better grasp of the issues. Wrok together to come up with some positive actions that he can take.
– See if he would be willing to talk to a counselor on campus.
– Suggest he get involved in things outside of the dorm (ex. go to gym, library, join clubs etc.)
– Consider if it might be possible to move him out of the dorm into an off-campus apartment at some point.

23

@eb23282: I am sorry about your daughter’s situation. I should have realized that you were sensitive regarding this topic. I did not , and do not, mean to be hurtful, just helpful.

My advice in your daughter’s case would be different. OP’s son has not indicated any intent to harm himself as shared by OP in this thread.

24

These are mostly all caring responses. I’d suggest we not debate. And because, as adults, we can know many people with drinking issues- and how not all can just will them away- I see that as the reason some recommended counseling or AA. It’s not a slam. It’s one idea we’ve seen can help.

25

“Doing well in classes”. My father, a thoracic surgeon, was an alcoholic from high school on. Classroom performance is not a good measure.

The son’s reaching out and the recentness of the pattern are hopeful. I would not minimize the seriousness of the problem, though.

26

Counseling or AA won’t be as effective so long as OP"s son remains in his current dorm which has an abundance of alcohol & daily drinking.

I think that it is a reasonable first step to remove the student from that environment into substance free housing.

27

I agree it is a reasonable first step – the student may or may not have an addiction problem, it could be a behavior problem but either way an environment change is a good idea

28

See if his college has any info , e.g. https://healthwellness.tcnj.edu/wp-content/uploads/sites/94/2016/09/Handbook-Complete.ETOH_.TCNJ_.pdf

See what resources his college has and encourage him to use them.

29

If he drinks daily and says he can’t stop that’s a clear sign of being dependent on alcohol. I would encourage him to seek substance abuse counseling and remove all the alcohol from his dorm. Restricting access to finances can help curb his ability to purchase more. I’m in a large fraternity where drinking is very very common and even then, people don’t sit around and drink daily like that by themselves. Even if he does well in classes its not an excuse to abuse alcohol as there can be serious affects through that.

30

Just because he is holding his grades up doesn’t mean that there isn’t potentially a problem. I agree the key is “He is devastated, wants to stop but says he can’t.” That raises the caution flag for me.

31

When I was in college a friend of mine confessed that her excessive drinking scared her–frequent drinking, binge drinking to the point of vomiting, drunk hookups, feeling out of control–knowingly doing things that were risky, but not stopping herself, etc. She was ashamed and embarrassed, and wondered if she was on the road to alcoholism. She was an honor student. I was worried–this behavior was really out of character for her.
In her case it wasn’t alcoholism but the culture/party atmosphere, peer pressure at her college. She was able to change her behavior and cut way down on the drinking. She became a physician, rarely drinks alcohol, and hasn’t had a problem since that one undergrad year.
I hope your son can get the help he needs to change his behavior. Not intending to minimize a serious issue, but just sharing a case of a student with a similar problem who was able to turn it around. At least your son has recognized the problem and told you about it. If it were my son I would try to visit him, and, as others have said, suggest counseling/transfer out of that dorm, etc.

32

If he’s in a dorm then reach out to the RA or housing authority.

Have him go to counseling at school and report to you. He is not the first and won’t be the last.

The one thing that I think alot of people are missing is that he is a junior. This is not a new freshman going through his first semester at college and drinking too much since kids think that’s what your supposed to do. He also is reaching out. You are very lucky. If he is close distance wise and if it makes sense you might want to go for a weekend. You might see signs that more is going on.

I think changing what he is doing, working out etc to change his habits is a good idea but won’t make him stop drinking. If you do go up maybe get a hotel and have him stay with you. If addicted you will see signs since he won’t have access to alcohol with you.

We have friends with kids that are addicted and in and out of rehab. I personally wouldn’t take it lightly. If I am wrong that would be great.

You are very lucky he is reaching out.

33

I don’t know your school but many large public campuses have at least one full time expert who’s sole purpose is to address alcohol and college students. You might be able to find them if you google the web site. Look at the Dean of Students, Student Affairs, or the Counseling Center. Do a google search of the organization BACCHUS ( Boosting Alcohol Consciousness Concerning the Health of University Students) and see if your sons campus is has a chapter or is involved. Unless your son is in a small college with limited resources, I am sure there are great resources out there. Good luck to your son, and I agree, I think by recognizing he has a problem and wants to quick he is on the path to addressing this.

34

I think your son has taken a huge first step by acknowledging he may have alcohol dependency; that is not an easy realization. Kudos to him. Is it possible for him to enter into outpatient rehab. during spring break? Many dependency programs also have outpatient components for less severe cases. AA is a must; also, a sober living dorm., or, as he’s a junior, finishing his year off-campus, away from the temptations of his dorm.

This is not easy, but with your support and that of friends and family, he will come through the other side; he’s still young and he recognizes he may be on the road to a problem. Thats a huge realization.

35

I know 2 kids who have stopped out for a year to get sober. If after talking to a counselor at school, he is still struggling, I would tell him this is an option. He can come home, get help, work, and come up with a strategy for his final year. It may be too much to address it where he is and he may need you to suggest this and make it an okay option.

He has confided in you and is dealing with a serious health issue. Good for you for having parented so that he knows you are a resource!

36

Any update @kisakyamaliya ?

37

In addition to taking care of his own personal issue, this sounds like an issue to bring up with residence life. Your son can address it with them or you can. Is drinking legally allowed in his dorm? He may be a junior but I have to believe there are students one year younger or even juniors who are not 21.

38

Admitting that he has a problem is the first step. Research the schools alcohol policy, which will vary by the school. It is possible that the RA’s are not doing their job when allowing minors to drink or just ignoring the rules. If that is the case then the dean of Res Life needs to have it brought to their attention and suggest that the Dean make some unexpected evening late night tours of the dorm. This can be done anonymously by you without naming your child. Schools do not want the reputation of free flowing alcohol. He does need to seek counseling and start spending more time away from the dorm. Follow through with the counseling this summer.

39

It’s great that he has recognized the issue and reached out to you. I would do whatever I could to encourage that openness, which probably means treading lightly some of the time so that he doesn’t hesitate to talk to you more. Encourage him to get help, from a doctor or counselor. Is he willing to try AA? He may not feel comfortable with that if he has not decided on permanent abstinence. He may want support with just cutting back on his drinking at least as a first step. If he doesn’t want to go to a group like AA, he might want to try online support, such as Moderation Management, which has online forums for people learning to moderate their drinking but also has a lot of people who abstain entirely, or Annie Grace’s Alcohol Experiment, which has a free trial section. A lot of people seem to find trying that gives them a lot to think about and a place to start. I think it’s important to let him know there are a lot of alternatives if he is ready to change…it doesn’t have to be automatically going to inpatient rehab or joining AA. Both of those things can be very helpful but they don’t appeal to everyone and I know a number of people who put of doing anything about their drinking because they didn’t feel those options were right for them.

40

Just because you exhibit problem drinking doesn’t mean someone is an alcoholic. He or she may be a problem drinker. Which behavior modification can help.

Forget the 20 question tests.

Many people fail those. But they can help identify a problem drinker. An alcoholic is a different condition. And it is not what you think.

And do not judge the inside condition based on outside appearances.

Or DUIs or lack of those. A job or no job. A’s in school or dropping out.

The founders of AA. Bill Wilson ( a decorated 1st Lt in WW1 and highly educated and Bob Smith a Dartmouth grad and physician) both saw problems early. In their college years, in fact.

The question at any age is simple. These questions help you determine whether you need the process outlined in the 12 step programs.

When you drink. Do you regularly drink more than intended? And it doesn’t have to be every time or even every day. If so you are demonstrating the phenomenon of craving. An allergy of sorts, that is particular to this class.

And when separated from alcohol, totally sober, and want to stop — you can’t.

This is different than craving and is referred to as the “obsession of the mind”. This obsession is an overriding desire despite reason and consequence.

If you start thinking about it and hold on until the next drink, it’s a problem. Especially when combined with the allergic response that occurs once you have the first drink described previously. You want the next one more than the one you have.

If “yes” to both indicators there may be a problem that avoidance and will power alone can’t not solve.

It may for a while.

But eventually, the idea of “I will only have one” or the underlying need for synthetic relief becomes too much. And the cycle begins again. The four horsemen of fear, guilt, remorse and shame. And the only thing that makes sense to make that go away is — insanely — another drink.

So ask your son to consider these questions.

If not quite sure, AA might do more harm than good.

SMART recovery programs and talk therapy can help with problem drinkers.

And diversions, like the gym etc are good ideas too. But there are 24 hours in a day and the gym and library aren’t going to be enough.

And it’s better to learn to be happy in a sober life than hiding from life and fighting to stay sober. It just doesn’t work.