We didn’t either. But the OP and son evidently have a good relationship. My daughter did talk to us about hers but that was because her significant other was coming home with her (she lives in our area also) and spending a holiday with us for dinner etc. We got to know her and she was lovely but not someone we could see long term with. We didn’t say anything but we supported my daughter when they broke up after a year. Both wanted different things out of their future. All we could do was support our child. At school they together a lot and I couldn’t care where my daughter (and son in college) sleep. As long as their happy and healthy and have a place to go back to. College is about spreading your wings and trying new things. Failing can lead to success. My only concern actually is his studies. If she is encouraging and in school also and they both have goals and motivate each other, then that’s not have bad. I needed that out of my girlfriend now wife.
But if she is not that and planning on dropping out and motivating your son to abandon his dreams and goals then to me that is a problem.
You raised a good kid. . Sometimes we got to trust Them. Again, explain to him what your budget is. See what he can do with that
Maybe check out some pricing online so your realistic.
BTW - this is all in the parenting rule book somewhere ??.
I vote for whatever is cheaper than the $10,000 dorm!
DH moved in with me 3 months after meeting (he was barley 20)- 26 years later we get along so well that we have spent the last 15 years spending 24 hours a day together, since he works from home.
Be happy he is honest with you. My sister lied to my parents for years about her boyfriend living with her. They did get married… eventually.
D18 roommate’s boyfriend is there all the time he goes to a different school. Another roommate’s boyfriend is across the hall, she spends the night with him every night. Yes, your son is right, this is how they live. I can also see from his POV- that he won’t be wasting your money and that they already are living like this, so it just makes sense, not to mention; it’s super convenient.
Be careful playing the money card- that can really backfire. He’s going to be a Senior in college and is accelerated in his studies. Sounds like you are ready to pay a hefty price tag just to act like you’re not condoning something that you know is happening anyway and said is fine to do in a year. I’d tell him to find a 2 bedroom and a roommate- and then don’t ask who it is.
They won’t be the first couple to break up that lives together, others figure it out, he can too.
As a mom of daughters, I am thrilled to hear of a guy who doesn’t want to spend all his time playing video games
All of these posts have been very helpful, but the main gist I get from my thread is that many feel it’s ok for a 19 & 20 year old to move in together in college. I did a College Confidential search for more who have written on this subject, and there were quite a number. Glad I’m not the only one Several were from the students wondering what others thought of the idea and how to tell their parents.
My take away, after all of this, is that my husband and I have our right to feeling that it’s not a good idea, and as long as we are footing all of the bills we should have our decision respected. I do have a great relationship with my son, hence his honesty with me about the fact that they want to do this. I do think that a 20 year old guy, or at least my 20 year old guy, just doesn’t have the maturity to think this through. The implications of his decision could be rough…having to work to pay rent and utilities, signing a lease that would make him 50% liable for fallout of a breakup. For goodness sake, they’ve only been together for three months. I know what young love feels like, but I also know what young breakup and heartache is like and having to sort out living arrangements while doing his senior year as a mechanical engineering student sounds like a potential minefield. All of this for the sake of love and convenience??
Hopefully our relationship will stand this balance of wills. I hope he knows that we have only his best interests at heart, but we’re going to have to put our foot down on this one. There is plenty of time, after college is over, to test the “living together” waters if the relationship stands the test of time.
You are super-duper reasonable! Most parents think the same.
Ever see the funny sign?
** Teenagers, Tired of being harassed by your stupid parents?
Act Now!
Move Out…
Get a Job…
Pay your own bills.
Do it while you still know everything. **
I would probably say something like:
“I am happy to support YOU while you are going to college. I don’t want to support anyone else. I want you to have your own space to study/sleep/whatever that is yours. I want you to have that in case you break up or you want some space or you want to do something different or have friends over. If you end up staying together, more power to you! If you want to live together after you graduate, wonderful! But right now my job is to help you get through college and this is what I am prepared to pay for.”
I dated my now-husband all through college and I lived in a dorm the whole time. He moved across campus to be nearer to me, but always had his own place.
I always told my girls to have their own place until they wanted to make a long term commitment. So many people stay with SOs longer than they want because they have no where to go. I wanted my daughters to have options. I paid for my girls’ 4 yrs room and board while they were in college. I don’t know if they spent all of their time with their BFs, but it made me feel better they had a place to go back to when/if the relationship broke up.
D1 moved in with her husband before they got engaged. D2 is in law school now. She has a roommate and her BF has an apartment nearby. They spend most time together because she has a dog, but she has a place to go to if her relationship should go south. She just recently told me they are thinking about making the relationship more permanent (engagement) so they may move in together next year before she graduates. She asked me if I would be fine with it.
Could they find others to also share in an apartment? THe one part I agree is the 3 month dating part. Does he maybe want to live with her because he is struggling to find others to live with? Or maybe she is, and is pressuring him . How soon do they need to find a place, because in a few months it could be moot. My D has been dating her BF for 18 months and they are talking about living together next year. This is a pretty committed relationship and I have mixed feelings. They have talked about what would happen if they broke up. My concern is only the same as another parent, what if they stay together longer because of this. (My D will be a Senior next year). So if my D had come to me after dating for 3 months, yes I would also have concerns living together too, even though I know that they have spent time at both their places. Have you talked to your son whom he would live with if she was not in the picture. ? Could you afford a Studio apartment so he does “have a place”
@jeneric, I don’t believe there are accomodations for seniors in his school’s dorms. He is a member of a fraternity and I believe there is a possibility of a room in the house on a lottery basis, although that’s not his first choice (I feel it could be distracting too). No matter what he’s going to have to find a studio or roommate for a larger apartment.
I don’t see anything wrong with him living with his gf and don’t see why you are so opposed. I can see some desire for a contingency plan if he and his gf breakup in the middle of the year.
@sdl0625, I don’t think that difficulty finding another roommate is influencing his decision. Possibly it is for her (she goes to a nearby college) It’s mainly the fact that he and GF have been together pretty much all the time since they began dating, and he says it’s “convenient”, “makes sense”, and my favorite “everyone in college does this”. We pay $10,000 a year for just the dorm expense now, so I think that would be close to enough for a studio and certainly less for a share. I truly want him to be a bit independent and have his own space for many reasons. We will need to have an adult conversation when he comes home for spring break in early March. Tempers got a bit heated on the subject over facetime.
@roethlisburger, he has just met this girl. They have known one another for a mere 3 months. I think most people would understand where my husband and I are coming from. If it’s a long-term, committed relationship, then by all means I support them living together. I just don’t condone “adulting” when we are paying all of the bills. If you want to be an adult, then being able to support yourself it a huge part of it. Sorry, but that’s just the reality of the situation. In two years he will have his Masters and hopefully a well-paying job . Then he can make any and all decisions for himself.
So the girlfriend’s parents: what do they say? Does she pay for her own lease, or do her parents pay?
I agree with the “adulting” concept and bills. My D’s BF spends a Lot of time at my D’s house that she shares with 2 girls. I ask her about it all often; because I am NOT paying for another kid. That’s why I wondered what the GF’s parents think.
I know how you are feeling. I agree with you. You and your husband have every right to dictate conditions of your support. I agree that moving in with someone in a relationship like this after just meeting the person 3 months ago at age 20 is not a wise move. I wouldn’t support it either.
I’m also realistic, however, about what I can monitor and enforce. I can insist on a separate dwelling but trying to force an adult living a distance away to live in that dwelling a certain amount of time is too much trouble for me to patrol. It’s enough for me that my student has his living place, which I have paid for, and where he actually lives is his business and also his responsibility to financially support.
There are many variations on this theme. Friends of mine were incensed when they discovered that their student’s SO was living in the place that these parents were paying for. Not just physically spending all the time there but the person had no other place to live at the school. So these parents were paying for another person in addition to their own student and also paying for a lot of the food and living expenses too.
I found out that my one student who was living in some dilapidated house off campus had regular “hoboes” living there, not paying rent, expenses or food but just living off those who were paying for the place. Like me. I wasn’t thrilled that I was subsidizing others but , since I was giving my student the equivalent of room and board under university charts, it was just less stressful to let him use the money as he pleased. I didn’t like it but the trouble to try to change the situation was more than I wanted to address. There was nothing about that house i liked anyways, other than my kid who was living in it and I wasn’t even so sure about that at times.
@bgbg4us, I’ve been told that GFs parents are aware of the living situation as it now stands, but I don’t think they’ve run their future idea past them (I could be wrong though). Her parents are co-signers on her current lease and from what I understand, pay her rent, utilities and give her allowance for food. They also pay for college. GF has a roommate who, due to mental issues, has stopped living in their shared apt. and is currently trying to find another to take over her portion of the lease. I think the “availability” of the full apartment is what’s made it so easy to become a full time live-in situation. My DS also has 3 foreign roommates in his dorm apartment who have not tried to become friendly, so of course why would he want to hang out there? It’s just been a perfect storm that set them up this way so soon. I’m sure GFs parents are aware that DS has a perfect, paid dorm space of his own to live in.
@cptofthehouse, I see where you’re coming from as far as going nuts while monitoring the situation. I am kind of doing that now and it does drive me crazy. When DS came home for winter break (they had only been together for just over a month, but basically spent every night together) I had a discussion with him about why I thought it was important for him to spend some time individually and with friends. That’s when I asked him to promise me that he’d keep his gaming computer (which he adores!) in his dorm room, saying that it would be the perfect excuse for a night or two away from GF. He did as promised, keeping his computer in his dorm, but didn’t change anything with the time spent together, so I guess gaming is definitely not pulling him in that direction - which truly surprised me!
I know that whatever we discuss he’s going to keep doing what he wants to do, but I think that standing my ground on not paying his living expenses will at least let him know how far I’m willing to go to institute what I feel is right.
He’s my only child and we’ve always been very close. I really don’t want this nonsense to get in the way of our great relationship.
Maybe the girlfriend wants to have a paying roommate, and thus wants the OP’s son to pay his share since he’s there all the time? OP didn’t say what her set up is now, only that she has a dog. Maybe her roommates are tired of having the OP’s son there all the time without paying, or maybe her parents are thinking someone who is there half the time should pay half the rent?
If OP’s son has to move off campus anyway, and can get his own place, maybe the girlfriend would spend more time there since it isn’t a dorm and there aren’t roommates hanging around.
I am confused by the comments about his gaming computer in his dorm. I have a son the same age and in engineering. He has a gaming console in his room (doesn’t really have time anymore), a gaming MSI computer (great for engineering also), his IPad and his phone to game on. As much as he wants to. BUT compare that to a “live” women and potentially having sex… There is no contest here ?.
@Knowsstuff , LOL- I can understand your confusion. You have to know how much my son LOVES his gaming computer. He built it himself and really loves playing. He mentioned that his GF offered to buy him a desk to move it into her apartment, and I knew if she did that he would not have one reason to return to his dorm, except maybe for laundry. When I asked him to keep it in his dorm it was my attempt at giving him a reason to spend a night, every now and then, in the dorm we pay for. Also maybe time to be with guy friends. Yes, you are correct that there is no comparison to having a live woman at hand!
Several were from the students wondering what others thought of the idea and how to tell their parents.