But NYU’s 6 year grad rate is 87%, Fordham’s is 79%. So the statistical likelihood that attending Fordham would somehow increase the chances that she finished-- eh, the numbers don’t show that.
Among kids that I DO know, the family typically believes after the fact that attending XYZ school would have made the difference. Perhaps. But in most cases, these are kids who either weren’t ready for college at age 18 (not a crime- you aren’t ready, don’t go. Do some maturing first), had intense scaffolding in HS which the family was in denial about (so kid would have crashed and burned anywhere) or the kid’s stated goals “Party as much as I can and marry a girl from a rich family” or “Join the coolest sorority on campus and build my online followers so I get a cosmetics/fashion deal when I graduate” are just incompatible with the goals of higher ed at an actual institution.
Hugs to your niece- I hope she figures things out.
And OP- sometimes it’s a sign of deep self-knowledge when a kid isn’t ready for the intense college planning. She’ll get there…
@eccpbh , Our situation was a bit different from yours but had several of the same themes. Sending you a virtual hug, which will not last as,long as you need it. But I wanted to pass on a few things that helped along the way.
Get a good neuropsych evaluation. If you end up with a dx (which it sounds like you will), there will be no magic bullet. But your D will know her challenges aren’t because she’s stupid or lazy. Strategies recommended by a doctor may be perceived and followed differently than those coming from you, a teacher, a GC – who just think she needs to try harder. Meds may help. But this may allow her to be kind with herself. (Btdt!)
Agree to talk about the college process only once a week. You may even schedule a time. At some point, it may be to get your CC # to pay app fees. Or to ask you to check affordability of xyz school. Or to schedule a visit. The point here, though, is to make sure this doesn’t become the currency of your relationship. You can be present for the parts of her life that are important to her in the present, and she doesn’t have to worry about you introducing this stressful topic. These are your last few years as “roommates” and a chance to really lay the foundation for an adult relationship. Neither of you needs to blow it up over this. (Tip from our school CC.)
Practice your script for the holidays. Our CC staff does this with the students before Thanksgiving. They are ready to talk about how xyz is NOT a safety, how cost will factor in, what kids of things they’re excited about and looking for. It’s so smart! It allows the kids and their parents to start managing expectations early on. The reality is that few people are up to speed on this process now, so it can also be an opportunity to engage family members on something topical. Easier this way than on the defensive!
I think you should all of those in parallel with each other:
push more through your local school system to get her properly evaluated. And by that, I mean more than “fill out this 10 question form.”
ask your daughter’s medical provider/pediatrician/etc. for a recommendation of where to take her to get a neuropsych evaluation for ADHD.
do your own research for where you could take her to get an evaluation for ADHD or whatever else might be going on.
check with your medical insurance company to confirm beforehand which of those providers are in network or out of net work. And confirm if a prior authorization is needed before hand, too (i.e., submitted by the PCP/pediatrician).
Re: your sister’s feedback to your request to not bring up college app topics at Christmas, some food for thought to consider:
You won’t be able to control whether or not she or somebody else brings the topic up.
what you CAN control is how you respond/react to it. This is an opportunity to model to your daughter how to handle a stressful interaction about a stressful topic.
For example, if your sister corners you at the big Xmas get-together and puts you & daughter on the spot in front of everybody about college, you could say something like, “Oh, we have plenty of time still for that. Right now, daughter is focusing on ‘insert things she likes to do or topics/subjects she’s interested in’. For example, did you know that she got a role in the school play to play the role of ___? She’s really enjoying it.” Basically, you deflect the question and the attention to something else. And it helps if you say this in a sort of light-hearted tone… don’t say it sounding defensive.
If somebody at Xmas flat out asks how your daughter’s grades are, you could answer with, “Fine. Why do you ask?” The average person would likely then say, “Oh just curious.” And then you answer back with, “Oh ok. Hey, have you seen ‘insert movie name here’? I’ve heard it’s pretty good. We were thinking of seeing it over the holidays.”
if a relative at Xmas offers up unsolicited suggestions for how they think you & your spouse should handle your daughter re: college applications, just say something generic like, “That’s an interesting idea. Thanks! I’ll mention it to Daughter’s counselor at school” (even if you don’t mention a thing to the school counselor).
another come-back to pushy relatives about college could be: “Oh, come on, Aunt Marge, it’s Christmas. We’re taking the day off from all of that.”
The challenge with getting an IEP or, more likely, a 504 at this point is that the accomodations may simply be more time for assignments or tests. That may help some kids but did not work for my ADHD inattentive kid. Also, not sure how quickly the school will respond. As for medication, your kid has to be willing to use it and try various types with different side effects.
ADD typically manifests in both school and at home. Is she distracted when doing chores or other things she doesn’t want to do at home? Is she messy and disorganized? What about with the theater stuff - is she able to stay on top of that? While it could be ADD, it also may not be. There are online screening tests you can look at and fill out very honestly to get some idea before you spend a lot of money.
I don’t know if this was covered in earlier posts, but what about getting her a tutor that can either help specifically with a course or can simply help with helping her get the work done. The play is probably over by now, so she should have time to focus on school work. Having someone other than you overseeing the school work may help. Of course the downside is cost, although there may be some cheaper options like a student.
The overall goal is to get her to be a happy, healthy, employed adult with either college or not. Perhaps she will need a gap year or some time to figure all this out before college.
Yes, a full formal neuropsych evaluation would be ideal, but wait lists are very long in many parts of the country and prices are high.
So a less ideal option can be to do questionnaire testing again. The most common brand of questionnaire is the Vanderbilt, the slightly less common one is the Conner. Personally, I think the Conner is better, so use that one if possible (but if only Vanderbilt is available, that’s better than nothing.) When these questionnaires are filled out, it’s important that they be given to the teachers in real academic subjects in which your kid is having trouble, not in something “fun” like choir. And when you as a parent fill out your portion, it’s important to face up to the truth. Some parents are minimizers and think “it’s not so bad” so they will say a certain symptom only happens “occasionally”, but in reality it’s happening a lot more often than that! So don’t hold back!
As for meds, be aware that Wellbutrin is a type of antidepressant that has been shown to help a little with ADHD (not so much as stimulants, but better than nothing.) It also does not cause any weight gain. So sometimes this med is prescribed if a person was considering an antidepressant anyway, while waiting for testing.
My most important med tip is that parents and NOT kids should be the ones giving the med each day. Kids don’t remember, and are not to be trusted with a med bottle. I suggest this until at least high school graduation.
Conner did not diagnose my kid correctly (extent of issues).
Re parents giving meds, we bought one of those daily pill dispensers and it’s filled at the beginning of the week. Kid takes their correct meds daily from that.it lives on the breakfast table.