<p>Missypie…am I misunderstanding your position on this thread? You seem to be playing the “devil’s advocate” like maybe it’s okay for some of these comments to be made, because they are real reactions…</p>
<p>I liken this to someone announcing that they got engaged to _______, and getting a snarky comment. Yes, the ONLY acceptable way to answer is to find something neutrally positive to say. “I don’t see you two together” or “why would you want to do that” is NEVER acceptable! No matter if the person is anti-marriage (anti-military) or not.</p>
<p>Or when people give their opinion about the baby name someone picked out. The ONLY acceptable response when you are looking said baby in the face is “how unique…and perfect for her!” or something appropriately positive and neutral.</p>
<p>Bad manners are bad manners. No excuses!</p>
<p>ETA: sorry if I am mis-reading you missypie…don’t mean to accuse.</p>
<p>I think there’s a distinction between an appropriate reaction after the decision has already been made (Your son is going to VooDoo College? How interesting!) and an appropriate reaction when the decision is still being considered (VooDoo College? My cousin went there, and I’d be happy to fill Junior in on some pros and cons if he’s interested.)</p>
<p>Good point, Hunt, but you’ll notice your response didn’t take the tone of “OMG…you don’t want to go THERE! My cousin HATED it!” (implying that by transitive property it must be a dumb move for everyone!) You are asking if they care to know the other side of the coin, but in a neutral way. Good manners prevail!</p>
<p>I agree so long as we are only talking about casual aquaintances. If our response to everything everyone ever says to us is “something neutrally positive”, the world would be a very dull and impersonal place. Some of you don’t even want honest reactions from your relatives. (I actually don’t either; I don’t think a lot of the opinions of my relatives.) I do hope that each of you has someone in your lives whose honest opinion you value…being surrounded by “yes men” is not healthy.</p>
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<p>In most cases the response should be positive. But if the future mother of the bride has *already confided *to you that the boyfriend is a conviced felon, or that her daughter is 18 and the boyfriend is 42 with grown children, then a reply of “that’s terrific” would be ridiculous. </p>
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<p>Trust me, I am exceedingly polite. I didn’t even say a word when my sister and I were pregnant at the same time and our “boy’s names” were identical (first AND middle). I didn’t say a word when my niece followed her BF to a school I knew she would hate. (She did hate it and transferred as soon as she could.)</p>
<p>^^okay, well, I’m not sure the convicted felon thing isn’t just a little off the subject. Did that happen in any of these college scenarios? I don’t think that really followed my logic on the analogies. </p>
<p>Anyway, I have tried to teach my kids the difference between giving advice and sticking your nose in where it doesn’t belong. The key? WERE YOU ASKED FOR YOUR OPINION?</p>
<p>(and btw, yes, that applies to close friends and relatives too, because as you said, their opinion is not always valued JUST BECAUSE they feel they are close to you…if their opinion is valued, you will be SURE to ask, and the smile and nod thing won’t apply)</p>
<p>You’re the one who brought up a marriage analogy. I just took it further. The idea is that if someone has already expressed their discomfort with a situation, are you supposed to act as if you don’t know that when they announce the decision?</p>
<p>Let’s take it back to the military academy situation. Let’s say we aren’t close friends, but we’re working the concession stand at the ballgame together and you spend the three hour shift telling me all about how you’re worried sick about your son going into a military academy and you’re worried that he’s not healthy enough and worried about hazing. So several months later, when your son gets the academy appointment, am I really supposed to pretend that conversation didn’t happen? Am I not allowed to ask if you are at peace with the situation?</p>
<p>I think the only real answer to what to say, and when, and to whom, is “it depends.” If you know something the person doesn’t know, then that might increase the justification for saying something. How close your relationship is, and what kind of confidences you share is another one. But as we’ve noted through this whole thread, sometimes close relatives and friends can be the worst offenders. But that’s often why we “smile and nod” rather than going off on them–a lot of them mean well, and occasionally they might say something we ought to hear.</p>
<p>Yes, Missy, but can you point out one scenario already listed on this thread where someone ranted to the offender for three hours before they got the negative comment? (that is why I think you have taken the analogy to new heights that don’t apply.)</p>
<p>I have enjoyed sparring…but now (smile and nod) I gotta leave this discussion where it lies.</p>
<p>Hunt, I totally agree. But I also think that certain comments are to be expected and that we should let them roll off of us…for example, if a native Texan kid is going to college in Buffalo, his parents should expect to get 10,000 “does he know how cold it is up there?” comments and just live with it. By asking the “cold” question, no one is implying that the student made an uninformed decision…it’s just something to say. Whenever someone wants to do anything out of the norm, people can be caught off guard and I think their natural responses should be taken with a huge grain of salt.</p>
<p>For most of the examples on this thread, we have no idea of the relationship between the parties. A few posts have divulged that the comments came from teachers or relatives, who may have felt very close to the person or the situation. For most, however, the comment could have been made by an almost stranger, or by someone they’ve known and confided in for 10 years. That’s why I take exception to saying the ONLY comment anyone can ever give is politely neutral, because the relationship may merit more than that.</p>
<p>I also think that grandparents should be given a bye in many situations. If their beloved grandchild, who may always be a sweet little baby in their eyes, wants to go into a line of work that is inherently dangerous, I think they should be permitted to express their concerns. If their sweet little granddaughter wants to go to a very urban school (this is my own D), I think they should be permitted to say they think she should go to a school with a rural campus. Not that anyone follows their advice, just sayin’ that grandparents are entitled to be worried about their little punkins.</p>
<p>And I bet you took the comments kindly if the person was over 70 and took offense if the person was your age.</p>
<p>My inlaws didn’t go to college; my FIL didn’t even finish HS. I can virtually roll my eyes on this thread over some of the comments they have made, but it isn’t really fair for me to truly be offended that they aren’t up on college stuff.</p>
<p>I don’t know, it’s a Monday and all, but I kind of thought missypie’s comments were made in jest. It was funny.</p>
<p>We all have opinions about things, even when unwanted. Most of us know when to keep our mouths closed in responding to other people’s “news”, especially when we don’t feel the same.</p>
<p>One of my dear friends is dating a weasel. I can go down the road of telling her he is a weasel and not good enough for her, or smile and nod and hope that she figures it out soon. If I tell her, and they end up getting married or more serious, my friendship is in jeopardy. If I don’t tell her what I think, she might think less of me. </p>
<p>Anyone seen the Geico commercial with Abe and Mary Lincoln reenactors? “Does this make my butt look big?” We all know there is no safe answer.</p>
<p>nicksmtmom, I don’t know what you think you are trying to prove. It has been a long conversation, and Missypie is now thinking about more nuanced situations. Both things have value.</p>
<p>Yes, on May 5th (date of that post), that HAS to be your response, because decisions have been made. On November 15th, when applications are still being completed, if, as Hunt says, you have some information that the applicant may not have AND you are a personal friend, it may be okay to share.</p>
<p>Again, tact is always required. As in, “I saw that X School made the top of the ‘Dorms Like Dungeons’ list, but Trevor from the class of '09 loves it there. Did you think anything was wrong with the dorms when you visited?”</p>
<p>missypie, I have to admit I was offended and felt condescended to by you when I shared my story about my son considering Marine Officer’s Candidate school and my sister and sister-in-laws reaction. You seemed to imply we hadn’t looked at all sides of the equation. I don’t normally share my political views, but I felt you made some assumptions and judgements about them. For the record, I and my son are anti the Iraq War, but he feels very fortunate in the life he has and is looking for a way to give back. The Peace Corp is not his thing, nor is Teach for America and other similiar programs. Please don’t assume anything about us, especially that we areen’t thoughtful enough to see all sides to a situation. I know nothing about you and I don’t assume you are anything but well meaning, but your “advice” was a little hurtful in it’s assumptions.</p>
<p>I don’t think nicksmtmom is trying to “prove” anything, she seemed to point out some inconsistencies.</p>
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I don’t think nicksmtmom is trying to “prove” anything, she seemed to point out some inconsistencies./quote]</p>
<p>Precisely. As if no one’s thoughts on a subject can evolve without it being suspicious? Or as if they have to post every single thought they may have on a topic up front with no revelation of nuance allowed, or have a veiled accusation thrown at them?</p>
<p>But obviously we have different opinions. I cannot imagine being hurt by missypie’s post that you cite. I see absolutely no implication that you and yours had not looked at all sides of the equation. She was simply saying that in SOME circumstances a person might want to actually have a conversation with the nay-sayer rather than just smiling and nodding.</p>
<p>LOL, and as we all learned on Friends, even pausing to think can get you in trouble!</p>
<p>In real life, the only time I stick my nose in when not expressly invited is on Asperger’s/Austim issues. When a parent of a younger child is describing their kids’ behavior and it sounds EXACTLY like that of my son with Asperger’s, I will share that (gently, of course). If a parent with a child with Asperger’s is looking at colleges, I will volunteer everything I know, good and bad, because there is so little info available out there. </p>
<p>Otherwise, I am the one who congratulates her friend when she is engaged to the guy I don’t like, then is a shoulder to cry on when she files for divorce. Contary to my posts, I do err on the side of keeping quiet.</p>